End of the Road!
hehe i had a good day today :)! although walking up stairs really made me tired! stupid fucking stairs! ive been wasted for the past few days! been to the doctor yesterday to find out whats wrong with me :S i hate it when they take blood from me! its makes me nautious and faint :S meh erm what happened today? erm evans was really really funny lol hmmm rob texted me! he always does! there is a possibility i might skive off tomorrow afternoon :)...theres not really a lot to say really! omg! i have no idea what im doing! :(! maybe if i thought like im thinking now things wouldnt be soo complicated! erm i aint sure what i want atm! oh shit! what do i want! im gunna fuck up like i did the last time meh i dont want to get into something i can or find it hard to get myself out of! hmmm i really need to think about this! its just its fits in with random craziness of my life...erm yer so sometimes when i think about it its like im not as strong as i thought i was and i feel like im falling apart inside and yer i probs am but noone can keep it together like me...noone can front like me...its better than letting out how you really feel...wise men always told me i shouldnt bottle up stuff inside coz it will drive you nuts but when i try to get it out i just cant or i dont get a reaction...meh what do i do! its just one thing after another this year :( im surprised my blood pressure hasnt hit the roof or i havent had a heart attack yet :s mmmm the stress of my life...sometimes i wonder why god sent me here and then i remember he sent me here to fulfil a purpose but the hinderance between serving that purpose had become sooo great! its like the devil is trying to make me fail what im supposed to do...and sometimes i give in to the temptation and feel like its not worth it but god reminds me that hes always watchin out for me and its worth it to carry on....this angel has been badly hurt...i wasnt supposed to fall in love...i wasnt supposed to do anything but be there for his people but i did fall in love and now i dont know how to fix it...i ask god to take the pain away or lest he take me back into heaven but he would do neither...he wants me to learn the hard way...he gave us free will right...and i chose to fall in love...i didnt mean to fall in love with that person but i guess i have no control over my destiny...and now my destiny is really uncertain...i thought i could change things...i thought i could make things better but obviously i cant or else things wouldnt have gotten so out of control and i really cant fix it...the one gift he gave me, to put things into words and the ability to make music has no effect whatsoever but i still write anyway...ive lost myself in a man that doesnt even care...and all i can say is im sorry for your hurt! im sorry you got hurt by women who tbh didnt deserve you in the first place...i only wish i could make it right but i cant...you have to learn from your own mistakes and the choices you make in life willl determine what kind of person you are in the end....good and bad, right and wrong...all the qualities that make a man...and to be honest, i know this will sound pathetic, but i really feel sorry for myself, i know i shouldnt but i do...ya know why...ive tried soo soo hard soo soo much and ive still got the shitty end of the stick...if only i could have one chance...just give me one break...and all i ever wanted was to be happy and make ONE guy happy...its all ive ever wanted! nothing more...its all so crazy in the end....i know ive always been a screw up! ive always screwed things up a lot of the time i really dont meant to but i do...and i try to fix then and sometimes i do fix them...other times i cant... just this is one of those times i wish i could fix everything! or if god would give me the chance hed let me go back to when i first came over here and id do everything different...just so i could have the happiness i longed for...id never do anything stupid...id never do anything to hurt him...oh lord if your reading this and you probably are please let when i go to sleep tonight i wake up tomorrow and it was 6 years ago! id really appreciate it please! i would fix everything...i want to fix everything coz its my fault why i am the way i am now and i need to fix it! i need to fix it! just please make me go back please?