Greetings and Salutations 2013!
Wow, it's been real. I have been giveing care to seniors and people with disabilities in the Illinous Vally now for 3 years. Feels like longer. I have lost 3 clients to death, and am watching 3 in various stages of decline. It is really hard, I have only 3 days where I have work, but I need all 4 of the other days to keep my sanity. It doesn't help that I am still struggling to find someone who will just be THERE for me when I need a shoulder or an encouraging word. That is not true, I have many female friends who are full of support and friendship, but there is a difference in how we can open up and relax with a friend who is also our lover. I try to be as genuine and clear as I can, but what I put out is not what I get back. I always had this vission of myself with a partner, back to back, facing the world and stronger in the battle that we wage to live. Instead I am always fighting alone, nursing my own wounds and fixing my own camp. And then I find someone who I think maybe I can lean on, and they find me fascinating, but when I turn around there is no one at my back. Perhaps I have become too competent in being independant. I had someone tell me I had to let people get closer, how? I open myself up and am ghahahahaahaa!
I love my dog. he is the light and joy of my life. I had another little doxy for a year and that was a good? well, an experience. Lex was a rescue from a puppy mill. He was emaciated when I got him, no house manners, very needy, and exceedingly cute. he basically stole all my affections from Selkie and Selkie put up with it. He was a good big brother and only expressed is anxt in subtle sulking. But when I decided I wanted to be free of the little dog's constant neediness and I got rid of him, Selkie got much happier. He is king dog again as he should be. He is a very special dog and no other dog should ever come between us.
Yes I changed the subject, it hurts. And the mere expression of the hurt hurts because is shows my soul, and at 44 any glimps of my pain of fears, any actual genuin expressions of my real humaness, have sent men running. But you can't have real without REAL, you know? I mean everyone wants that "real" woman or "real" man, or says they do, but when it comes right down to it, please don't show me your weakness. So lets get to be friends. If I can trust you with my weakness, trust you with my most joyous day as well as my most gremlin filled, then maybe we can be lovers, partners, compatriots in the war that is this life. I want to fight my war with love and compassion and an open heart.I care for the dying, I want someone to help me feel alive. Someone who sees how short and precious life is and wants to enjoy it.
I love my dog. he is the light and joy of my life. I had another little doxy for a year and that was a good? well, an experience. Lex was a rescue from a puppy mill. He was emaciated when I got him, no house manners, very needy, and exceedingly cute. he basically stole all my affections from Selkie and Selkie put up with it. He was a good big brother and only expressed is anxt in subtle sulking. But when I decided I wanted to be free of the little dog's constant neediness and I got rid of him, Selkie got much happier. He is king dog again as he should be. He is a very special dog and no other dog should ever come between us.
Yes I changed the subject, it hurts. And the mere expression of the hurt hurts because is shows my soul, and at 44 any glimps of my pain of fears, any actual genuin expressions of my real humaness, have sent men running. But you can't have real without REAL, you know? I mean everyone wants that "real" woman or "real" man, or says they do, but when it comes right down to it, please don't show me your weakness. So lets get to be friends. If I can trust you with my weakness, trust you with my most joyous day as well as my most gremlin filled, then maybe we can be lovers, partners, compatriots in the war that is this life. I want to fight my war with love and compassion and an open heart.I care for the dying, I want someone to help me feel alive. Someone who sees how short and precious life is and wants to enjoy it.