I Fear Nothing But Intimacy...
When it comes to intimacy, I cower, hide, run away as fast as possible in the opposite direction. And I really do not understand why. What is it about me that is so opposed to human contact? I'm not talking physically here, I just mean one-on-one human contact. Sharing thoughts, secrets, dreams. I can't remember the last time I sat down with someone and told them exactly what I was thinking. I hint at it, dance around it, insinuate about it... but never actually express it.
What would happen if I let someone get close to me? To really get to know me? A part of me feels like I would simply fall apart if met with someone who really wants to know the truth, and will fight it out of me. I'd probably slobber all over them like a baby. Hell, the thought makes me a bit teary-eyed.
I spend my days desperatly searching for understanding in others, but how can they understand me when I won't open up to them? Maybe it is just the people. Maybe I don't feel safe enough with any of them to really share that secret sides of myself. I can not sit with one of the people I claim to love in my life and tell them things without fearing that they would judge me. Because they would judge me. So I guess I'm looking for that person who wont. The person who could laugh at my ridiculousness without faulting me for it. The person who wouldn't be deterred by my steadfast determination to fight opposition; because in trying to know me... they would be my opponents. Temporary enemies turned forever friends because they made me feel safe enough to get over my fear of intimacy. Feeling safe... that sure sounds nice for a change.
xx