Jessica's thought process...again.
(I'm still trying to work through breaking up with Mike and thought looking at articles might help. I tried to make this whole thing one of those special lines so nobody has to read the post if they don't want to, but I can't get it to work. I'm sorry, guys. This is an article I found online written by a guy named Mike, why does every guy have to be named MIKE?! All my thoughts are in the parentheses.)
8 Things that will heal a broken heart.
Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning and healing for both people. If the break up was mutual both people will experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break up was not mutual the person who ended things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. How do you get through those first few weeks? Here we list eight essential things everybody must do in the early days of a break up to let the healing begin.
1. Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be.
(This is one of my huge problems with Mike. I don't want him to be alone, so I call him and cave and then we're back in a destructive relationship. Just today he called me saying he needed a friend, but I think I'm the last person he should be talking to so I didn't answer, though I've been thinking maybe I could call him tomorrow and then check in with him once a week and see how he does, so he doesn't feel alone...But what if I'm too weak again? I hate this so much! I hate leaving him alone.)
2. Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts or they may come back to bite you later.
(I'm doing this part, especially through the lj. I don't want to bother people with these long posts though and I don't want to annoy anybody.)
3.Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. You don’t want your tears to be used as a guilt trip. Their purpose is to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.
(You don't even want to know how much I do this.)
4. Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.
(But this is harder than he thinks! When I go out with someone I suck them into my lives and me into theirs. There aren't just momentos, there are movies, memories, food, thoughts, stories, heck, even my job. And I think its worse on him. He's got the house that I always hung out at, the pictures, cars, books, family members, everything.)
5. Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with so why would you want to rekindle things?
(How many times did I do that? I can't even count the times. I haven't even told my Mom yet because I'm afraid I'll cave and try to fix things again. )
5. Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.
(Alright, he's a little right about this one. I just think of all the times we fought and my heart remembers that the fighting was worse than what we're going through now. It was completely destructive and turned us into people we should have never been. It became a common action in the way we related and communicated with each other, which is wrong. But I still feel mean remembering every bad part about the relationship.)
6. Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory. Remind yourself that somebody who truly cared for you would not have done such thoughtless things and tell yourself (over and over) that you are better off without that kind of ego crushing behavior in your life.
(Alright, that's REALLY mean. And the problem is, with Mike, I don't think he ever meant the things that he did that hurt me. They just happened. But the cruel part of it all was that he had to see the problems, and he refused to stop the situation and instead left it up to me. I felt so trapped, I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't stand what was happening to me.)
7. Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.
(I don't know if I can do that. I'm so scared for him. I'm fine on my own, and that's what I need to be, but I just worry so much about him.)
8 Things that will heal a broken heart.
Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning and healing for both people. If the break up was mutual both people will experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break up was not mutual the person who ended things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. How do you get through those first few weeks? Here we list eight essential things everybody must do in the early days of a break up to let the healing begin.
1. Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be.
(This is one of my huge problems with Mike. I don't want him to be alone, so I call him and cave and then we're back in a destructive relationship. Just today he called me saying he needed a friend, but I think I'm the last person he should be talking to so I didn't answer, though I've been thinking maybe I could call him tomorrow and then check in with him once a week and see how he does, so he doesn't feel alone...But what if I'm too weak again? I hate this so much! I hate leaving him alone.)
2. Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts or they may come back to bite you later.
(I'm doing this part, especially through the lj. I don't want to bother people with these long posts though and I don't want to annoy anybody.)
3.Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. You don’t want your tears to be used as a guilt trip. Their purpose is to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.
(You don't even want to know how much I do this.)
4. Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.
(But this is harder than he thinks! When I go out with someone I suck them into my lives and me into theirs. There aren't just momentos, there are movies, memories, food, thoughts, stories, heck, even my job. And I think its worse on him. He's got the house that I always hung out at, the pictures, cars, books, family members, everything.)
5. Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with so why would you want to rekindle things?
(How many times did I do that? I can't even count the times. I haven't even told my Mom yet because I'm afraid I'll cave and try to fix things again. )
5. Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.
(Alright, he's a little right about this one. I just think of all the times we fought and my heart remembers that the fighting was worse than what we're going through now. It was completely destructive and turned us into people we should have never been. It became a common action in the way we related and communicated with each other, which is wrong. But I still feel mean remembering every bad part about the relationship.)
6. Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory. Remind yourself that somebody who truly cared for you would not have done such thoughtless things and tell yourself (over and over) that you are better off without that kind of ego crushing behavior in your life.
(Alright, that's REALLY mean. And the problem is, with Mike, I don't think he ever meant the things that he did that hurt me. They just happened. But the cruel part of it all was that he had to see the problems, and he refused to stop the situation and instead left it up to me. I felt so trapped, I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't stand what was happening to me.)
7. Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.
(I don't know if I can do that. I'm so scared for him. I'm fine on my own, and that's what I need to be, but I just worry so much about him.)