Aug 22, 2006 18:05
I've come to realization that I'm through waiting around for Ben. This isn't fair to me anymore... not that it ever was fair to me in the first place, but whatever. You know, I'm trying to be his friend, but I have a feeling that even a friendship with him is going to end up being a one-way street. And that's not how a friendship, or a relationship should be. You know, there was a point in time that I was ready to pack up everything, leave my family, friends and job, to move to Boston to be closer to him. All he had to do was tell me he wanted me. Instead he drops a bomb like "I think maybe I might be gay... or bi". And that's when we started having serious problems. ::shrugs:: Not much I can do anymore. I mean, if he is... then hopefully he'll save himself the heartache and he'll just come out of the closet. I still care so much about him, don't get me wrong there, and he'll always hold a special place in my heart, but this is just becoming ridiculous now. I'm tired of always being angry, or sad. I'm tired of not being able to sleep... and even think without being confused.
Despite all of this shit Damian and I have said to each other recently... he was invited up to my house last night to hang out with Jamie, the girls and myself. He's definatly different outside of work. And today, though, he was a lot different. He wasn't nearly as... annoying? lol. He just hung out with us, and then I sat next to him on the picnic table, because I was afraid I'd fall in the fire. lol. And he put his arm around me... and I didn't exactly push him away. It was really nice to have somebody WANT to cuddle with me for a change. lol. Instead of me trying, and them blowing me off. And yea... he had balls enough to kiss me last night. And well... you know what? I kinda didn't mind that either. Does this make me a bad person? I mean... after last night... I don't feel NEARLY as confused... except what I'm going to do about work if Damian and I do end up an item. eek... :( that makes me sad.
But... you know what?... I'm happy. Like... I'm actually really happy. I don't feel like crying all the time anymore... and I'm smiling a lot more again. :) This is good, right?
loves