(no subject)
Today is a rough day. I looked at a wedding photo on Janelle's facebook life events thing. It used to commemorate our wedding day on May 26, 2011, but not it says "she tried to fill a void with another person." The other mentions of me in her timeline are gone now.
It's tough because that was the happiest day of my life. And this whole disintegration of my relationship with Janelle has broken my brain. I can recognize it. Chemical pathways are different now. I'm different. And I don't know if I am fixable.
The pain of this loss sits with me every day. I try to ignore it, but it's like putting a hand towel over an elephant. It's right there. Always. And at any point where my concentration wanders it goes right back to that. The sadness, the emptiness, the loneliness, the longing for Janelle. I miss her in almost every way possible. I miss her smell. I miss hearing her speak to the cats. I miss hearing her be sing-songy with little bits of conversation.
I gotta stop again. I'm falling apart at my desk at work and that's just no good.
It's tough because that was the happiest day of my life. And this whole disintegration of my relationship with Janelle has broken my brain. I can recognize it. Chemical pathways are different now. I'm different. And I don't know if I am fixable.
The pain of this loss sits with me every day. I try to ignore it, but it's like putting a hand towel over an elephant. It's right there. Always. And at any point where my concentration wanders it goes right back to that. The sadness, the emptiness, the loneliness, the longing for Janelle. I miss her in almost every way possible. I miss her smell. I miss hearing her speak to the cats. I miss hearing her be sing-songy with little bits of conversation.
I gotta stop again. I'm falling apart at my desk at work and that's just no good.