(no subject)
Well I Just got off the phone with Ak-hen yet again, i was in the shower and i heard the phone rang so i went to answer it and it was him, except he was crying. i couldn't believe it, my best friend ever was crying so i told him to hold on while i whack some clothes on and started talking things through with him. i'm not going to say what he told me but it was very,very depressing. I mean like it's really hard when yet another of your friends is about to fall off the edge, hes really the only one out of all my friends whom i have this special connection with, we have the same interests in music, the exact same taste in men and clothes, and i remember listening to catacomb kittens with him, right there and then we decided to make a pact, and that it was just us two. Our pact was if one of us dies, the other one would have to go too, and we still stick by it even to this day. Ak-hen was actually crying to me, i felt ok that he chose to talk to me instead and told me he doesn't want to put my through this again when so many people had already taken their lives, people we both know and other special persons who have died out of my control. i guess everything is out of my control anyway, the way people feel, the way i feel, the way my life is going, the broken and crushed dreams, basically everything.
This morning i wanted to talk to my boyfriend but instead i just absolutely lost it and upset the both of us, usually its in my control, this time was kinda different. i want to look Cody in the eyes and tell him exactly how i feel yet the problem is i can't and i dont noe how i feel. God noes i love Cody but apart of me wants to let him go, i have way too many problems that he can't help me with. my grandma tells me that a relationship is about confiding and telling eachother your deepest thoughts and dreams and well as hurts and joy.`its just that i mean so much to Cody and Ak-hen means so much to me and he really is about to fall off the edge, i don't want him to kill himself like he tells me he would, i just want the good times back when we'd just be ourselves to eachother you noe, burping, being idiots, laughing about the most stupid and immature things. but now that Ak-hen has told me how he feels, i'm going to be the one to support him and he already noes he can rely on me and tell me everything, hes shown me that, out of everyone else he chose to share his deepest secrets and sorrows with me so now i'm going to make sure hes back to how he was before he fell into this self-loathing hatred for himself and the world.
This morning i wanted to talk to my boyfriend but instead i just absolutely lost it and upset the both of us, usually its in my control, this time was kinda different. i want to look Cody in the eyes and tell him exactly how i feel yet the problem is i can't and i dont noe how i feel. God noes i love Cody but apart of me wants to let him go, i have way too many problems that he can't help me with. my grandma tells me that a relationship is about confiding and telling eachother your deepest thoughts and dreams and well as hurts and joy.`its just that i mean so much to Cody and Ak-hen means so much to me and he really is about to fall off the edge, i don't want him to kill himself like he tells me he would, i just want the good times back when we'd just be ourselves to eachother you noe, burping, being idiots, laughing about the most stupid and immature things. but now that Ak-hen has told me how he feels, i'm going to be the one to support him and he already noes he can rely on me and tell me everything, hes shown me that, out of everyone else he chose to share his deepest secrets and sorrows with me so now i'm going to make sure hes back to how he was before he fell into this self-loathing hatred for himself and the world.