Loss of a(n imagined) life
So, after wimping out about writing this yesterday, and after some new information today, I decided to bite the bullet and blog about what I really wanted to yesterday. Last week was a kind of hell for me, because up until Monday I had harbored thoughts that I might be pregnant. The Hubs and I have been trying to start a family, and I thought I had been experiencing some symptoms.I had nausea, really intense nausea, bad enough that one day I had to leave work early. I had some other things too, like breast tenderness and fullness, cramping, and some serious fatigue. I figured I was only maybe 3-4 weeks along, and had been planning to get a pregnancy test to see if my suspicions were correct. Then on Monday, I started bleeding. At first, it wasn't much, more like a normal period. But by Tuesday, I was flooding, and having lots of tissue in with the blood. Now, my periods have never been anything resembling "normal", but I've never experienced anything like this.
I immediately began to wonder if I was in the midst of a miscarriage. As Wednesday came on, I started having horrible cramps, bad enough to leave me doubled over in agony while feeling like I was bleeding out between my legs. I gave more thought to the idea that this could be a miscarriage. And that thought started to have me in tears. Thoughts like, What's wrong with me, why is this happening, does this mean I'll never be able to carry a child, were circling madly in a continuous loop in my brain. I also grieved. I was so sure that I knew what was happening that I grieved for my lost child, and grieved that I might not be able to carry a child to term. I was a non-stop roller coaster of emotion, torn between self-recrimination and beating myself up, for feeling like I wasn't good enough. By Thursday, the Hubs decreed that I was going to the doctor, and I called my gyno and got an appointment for Friday morning.
Friday morning comes, I'm still bleeding heavily, and they do an ultrasound. The ultrasound didn't show any sign of pregnancy, but they decided to do a blood test anyways in case I wasn't very far along. I wouldn't know anything until Monday. My gyno talked to me, and reassured me through my tears that what I was feeling was normal. It was normal to grieve if it was a miscarriage, and it was normal to grieve if I wasn't. Never mind that I would feel silly if I went through all that grief, and tears, and was wrong. She did explain that a lot of my symptoms could have been from the onset of ovulation, and that the drugs she had put me on were doing their job and helping me be more regular. She said if it wasn't a miscarriage, it was probably my body ridding itself of buildup, and that would make it easier to conceive. She said, either way, grieving was still normal, because anytime you try to get pregnant it's an emotional deal. Hearing all of that made me feel a little bit better, but it still hurt. I gotta say, though, the Hubs was fantastic all throughout the whole ordeal, giving me hugs, a shoulder to cry on, love, and cracking wise to make me smile in spite of the tears. One particular example was, "If you're not, we'll just try again. And I don't know about you, but I really enjoy the trying. I think we might have to try again, and again, and again..." Yeah. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I love him.
So, why tell all this now? I'll be the first to admit that I'm an intensely private person, and I'm not really big on sharing my private life with people. But I got to thinking, there's tons of articles about miscarriage, and pregnancy. But I've seen next to nothing on what I've experienced. I grieved like it had been real. It felt real. And no one can tell me that what I felt wasn't real. I'd read articles about hysterical pregnancy, where a woman can create her own reality in which she's pregnant, to the point that her body mimics a real pregnancy, baby bump and all. I don't think I was that far gone, but given the symptoms I had (which were common pregnancy symptoms) I don't think it was unreasonable to think I might be. I still grieve, and still feel a sense of loss. Surely I'm not the only one out there who has experienced something like this. And that's why I wrote it.
I immediately began to wonder if I was in the midst of a miscarriage. As Wednesday came on, I started having horrible cramps, bad enough to leave me doubled over in agony while feeling like I was bleeding out between my legs. I gave more thought to the idea that this could be a miscarriage. And that thought started to have me in tears. Thoughts like, What's wrong with me, why is this happening, does this mean I'll never be able to carry a child, were circling madly in a continuous loop in my brain. I also grieved. I was so sure that I knew what was happening that I grieved for my lost child, and grieved that I might not be able to carry a child to term. I was a non-stop roller coaster of emotion, torn between self-recrimination and beating myself up, for feeling like I wasn't good enough. By Thursday, the Hubs decreed that I was going to the doctor, and I called my gyno and got an appointment for Friday morning.
Friday morning comes, I'm still bleeding heavily, and they do an ultrasound. The ultrasound didn't show any sign of pregnancy, but they decided to do a blood test anyways in case I wasn't very far along. I wouldn't know anything until Monday. My gyno talked to me, and reassured me through my tears that what I was feeling was normal. It was normal to grieve if it was a miscarriage, and it was normal to grieve if I wasn't. Never mind that I would feel silly if I went through all that grief, and tears, and was wrong. She did explain that a lot of my symptoms could have been from the onset of ovulation, and that the drugs she had put me on were doing their job and helping me be more regular. She said if it wasn't a miscarriage, it was probably my body ridding itself of buildup, and that would make it easier to conceive. She said, either way, grieving was still normal, because anytime you try to get pregnant it's an emotional deal. Hearing all of that made me feel a little bit better, but it still hurt. I gotta say, though, the Hubs was fantastic all throughout the whole ordeal, giving me hugs, a shoulder to cry on, love, and cracking wise to make me smile in spite of the tears. One particular example was, "If you're not, we'll just try again. And I don't know about you, but I really enjoy the trying. I think we might have to try again, and again, and again..." Yeah. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I love him.
So, why tell all this now? I'll be the first to admit that I'm an intensely private person, and I'm not really big on sharing my private life with people. But I got to thinking, there's tons of articles about miscarriage, and pregnancy. But I've seen next to nothing on what I've experienced. I grieved like it had been real. It felt real. And no one can tell me that what I felt wasn't real. I'd read articles about hysterical pregnancy, where a woman can create her own reality in which she's pregnant, to the point that her body mimics a real pregnancy, baby bump and all. I don't think I was that far gone, but given the symptoms I had (which were common pregnancy symptoms) I don't think it was unreasonable to think I might be. I still grieve, and still feel a sense of loss. Surely I'm not the only one out there who has experienced something like this. And that's why I wrote it.