if i told you this was killing me.....would you...would you stop?
I woke up this morning after talking to Amber on the phone for like 3 hours last night...i felt so sick cause i didnt get that much sleep but it was worth it...
The thought of me with anyone else is so new to me...so weird, and so freaken scary. Even thought i know its gonna be ok...it still makes me a little sad. I still wonder sometimes...if i'm ever gonna really be able to love someone like i loved her.You know what they say...your first love will always have a piece of your heart. But i've learned to get over it...and try to go on. I learned to give up hope that maybe something was gonna change...or that it was all just a big mistake. I don't really know when im going to be willing to give someone else everything...and thats not really fair to me or to anyone else. I just didnt think that i was gonna find someone that i really like this fast...someone that i might be willing to try with...i honestly thought i would be alone for a really long time. I guess the reason i thought that is because i got to the point where i thought i was worth nothing...that i didn't deserve anyone, that i always fucked everything up...and that me giving everything wasn't enough so why even bother? I know now that i am worth it..and that i do deserve to be happy. I learned with the help of a lot of people that i can't blame everything on myself...everything isn't my fault. I'm so scared i'm going to hurt her by pushing her away because im so fucking scared. I'm already emotionally attached enough where i know if i hurt her im gonna feel like such an asshole.
That being said...i'm doing so much better this morning was the first time i cried in a really long time...and as soon as like 2 drops fell i forced myself to stop...i just cannot do it anymore. I'm gonna be strong and im gonna put myself out there. I really had stopped trying so hard to find someone to make me happy...and as soon as i did, someone snuck up on me :). Life is funny like that. You know one time i told lacey that each relationship prepares us for the next...we learn from each one and we make changes...the funny thing is...when i fall in love again, i know i'm still gonna learn to somehow treat the next person im with the same way...i'm still gonna love with everything that i am...its just in my nature...its just the way i am. I guess the trick is finding someone that can fulfill you life in the same way. I don't regret any past decisions i made...going to Louisina was an experience that i guess i was meant to have...the only think i regret is not trying harder to fix things...but i can't really regret that either i guess...because that decision wasn't really mine to make. Was it a mistake? Maybe...but i guess it will probably always be my favorite mistake.
i'm gonna go lay down now.
~riss
Sometimes love is addiction
Sometimes it hurts like hell
And sometimes you just cannot get enough
You can't make me love you,
Any more than i do
But you can make me unreachable
The thought of me with anyone else is so new to me...so weird, and so freaken scary. Even thought i know its gonna be ok...it still makes me a little sad. I still wonder sometimes...if i'm ever gonna really be able to love someone like i loved her.You know what they say...your first love will always have a piece of your heart. But i've learned to get over it...and try to go on. I learned to give up hope that maybe something was gonna change...or that it was all just a big mistake. I don't really know when im going to be willing to give someone else everything...and thats not really fair to me or to anyone else. I just didnt think that i was gonna find someone that i really like this fast...someone that i might be willing to try with...i honestly thought i would be alone for a really long time. I guess the reason i thought that is because i got to the point where i thought i was worth nothing...that i didn't deserve anyone, that i always fucked everything up...and that me giving everything wasn't enough so why even bother? I know now that i am worth it..and that i do deserve to be happy. I learned with the help of a lot of people that i can't blame everything on myself...everything isn't my fault. I'm so scared i'm going to hurt her by pushing her away because im so fucking scared. I'm already emotionally attached enough where i know if i hurt her im gonna feel like such an asshole.
That being said...i'm doing so much better this morning was the first time i cried in a really long time...and as soon as like 2 drops fell i forced myself to stop...i just cannot do it anymore. I'm gonna be strong and im gonna put myself out there. I really had stopped trying so hard to find someone to make me happy...and as soon as i did, someone snuck up on me :). Life is funny like that. You know one time i told lacey that each relationship prepares us for the next...we learn from each one and we make changes...the funny thing is...when i fall in love again, i know i'm still gonna learn to somehow treat the next person im with the same way...i'm still gonna love with everything that i am...its just in my nature...its just the way i am. I guess the trick is finding someone that can fulfill you life in the same way. I don't regret any past decisions i made...going to Louisina was an experience that i guess i was meant to have...the only think i regret is not trying harder to fix things...but i can't really regret that either i guess...because that decision wasn't really mine to make. Was it a mistake? Maybe...but i guess it will probably always be my favorite mistake.
i'm gonna go lay down now.
~riss
Sometimes love is addiction
Sometimes it hurts like hell
And sometimes you just cannot get enough
You can't make me love you,
Any more than i do
But you can make me unreachable