can't sleep
So i tried to lay down for like thirty minutes or something like that. i realized it wasnt coming anytime soon...so i decided to get up and write down all the shit going on in my head.
i fucking hate the fact that i cant even sleep when i need it. every night i dread it because it never comes...i used to be able to just lay down and konk out. sleep used to equal bliss. and i guess it would if i could sleep. you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach? you know that really bad feeling? ive been having that feeling in my stomach for a long time. the only time it really goes away is when im with friends. i wish i was more out going...so i could make friends easier. or maybe if i was a better person i would. i see so many flaws now in my personality...its like everything i hate about myself is magnified...and truth be told...there isnt much i like about myself right now.i absolutely hate the person i have become...so many things have been pointed out to me in the last few months that i need to fix. i wonder a lot of the time now...was i ever really wanted there? or did i just make myself believe i was? did i ruin her life too? or just my own? i dont really believe i changed anyones life for the better. i dont think i helped. and really...as lame as it sounds. thats all i wanted. that used to be what i strived for...to help people...to change peoples lives. to love as much as i possibly could. i dont believe in anything anymore. i dont see the good in people anymore...i dont see the good in myself. all i see are people out there trying to get ahead. whatever way they can. i guess i need to remember what i said a few entries ago about realizing it could be worse. well i hope it doesnt get worse. because i dont know if i could handle that. every time i sit down and write i say...this is the last time. the last time i sit here and go on and on about how sad i am. but god damnit its the only thing that helps. so if your sick of it just dont read it. take me off your list if you have to. im used to people giving up on my anyways.
im used to being left.
i fucking hate the fact that i cant even sleep when i need it. every night i dread it because it never comes...i used to be able to just lay down and konk out. sleep used to equal bliss. and i guess it would if i could sleep. you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach? you know that really bad feeling? ive been having that feeling in my stomach for a long time. the only time it really goes away is when im with friends. i wish i was more out going...so i could make friends easier. or maybe if i was a better person i would. i see so many flaws now in my personality...its like everything i hate about myself is magnified...and truth be told...there isnt much i like about myself right now.i absolutely hate the person i have become...so many things have been pointed out to me in the last few months that i need to fix. i wonder a lot of the time now...was i ever really wanted there? or did i just make myself believe i was? did i ruin her life too? or just my own? i dont really believe i changed anyones life for the better. i dont think i helped. and really...as lame as it sounds. thats all i wanted. that used to be what i strived for...to help people...to change peoples lives. to love as much as i possibly could. i dont believe in anything anymore. i dont see the good in people anymore...i dont see the good in myself. all i see are people out there trying to get ahead. whatever way they can. i guess i need to remember what i said a few entries ago about realizing it could be worse. well i hope it doesnt get worse. because i dont know if i could handle that. every time i sit down and write i say...this is the last time. the last time i sit here and go on and on about how sad i am. but god damnit its the only thing that helps. so if your sick of it just dont read it. take me off your list if you have to. im used to people giving up on my anyways.
im used to being left.