every day
you know whats funny about getting your heart broken? it doesnt happen just once. when you love someone and they don't love you anymore...every time you think about it your heart breaks all over again...how do you get rid of that? please someone tell me because i've tried everything. i've tried sleeping...but you always wake up, ive tried just letting myself cry...but it just makes me feel worse...ive tried drinking but it just leaves you with a headache and the feeling is still there when you wake up. what else can i try? i try to forget but its always there...thoughts, memories, regrets...that feeling of stupidity...i say to myself how did i not see? or maybe i did see...but i ignored it because like everything i thought i could fix it. but i failed again...and that intense pain that comes from my chest fills me up again. im so tired of crying...but with each new day one more realization of what i lost comes to my head. and the pain just gets worse. during the day it gets better...but at night. i dont sleep. i just lay there and think. what if i did this? what if i did that? and then i realize...and this is the worst part...it wasnt anything i did or didnt do...it was just me that she didnt love. it was me, the things about me...not the things i did or didnt do...its who i am that she doesnt love. this journal helps because i have to get these feelings out somewhere. i dont really have anyone else to talk to. because face it...who wants to deal with this shit. i feel so tainted...like damaged goods...like who the hell would ever want me after this...and will i ever be able to give someone else a chance? i mean there are people that i do want to give a chance...people i like...but what if im to afraid to let someone fall in love with me...or ever fall in love again...because i dont trust anyone anymore...i feel like everyone wants to use me like everyone who i ever trusted really just befriended me because they needed something from me...god im begging someone to please come along and treat me the way i treat everyone else...with respect...don't i deserve that? don't i deserve the truth? god damnit everything is so fucked up...i find no joy in anything anymore...and if this is what the end result of love is...i dont want it anymore. i have nothing to give anyways. please somebody prove me wrong...im dying for someone to change my mind...because when love is good...its the best feeling in the world...but what if i spend the rest of my life waiting for it to all come crashing down? please...someone. prove me wrong.
marissa
marissa