I need to get out of Maine...
"So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this-even if it don't make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it." ~Fiona Apple "I know" - i love that song. ugh shes so amazing.
So yeah I've be constantly thinking about things....mainly college and work. i cant stand that i don’t know what i want. I desperately want to become a director, but i think that would make life that much harder for me. As much as i want to get college over with, i want to make sure what I’m going for is truly what i want, and i want it to give me a good life. And after all I’ve been through i think i deserve it. I just need to think what happiness is to me....besides love, which i hold above everything else. I hate that I put everything on hold for love, but its true. The way i see it, when i have it, nothing else matters. I don’t know if that’s good or not, I’m guessing its not, caz it hasn’t worked out for me too well in the past. I just need to find the right one. and no i cant say i fall in love easily, when i really like someone, i can just feel it, I’ve only been in love with two people, both of which hurt me beyond belief.
I HATE being confused....
As it turns out...my mom is going to jail for 30 days. Its so depressing to think she’s come this far 10 years being sober, then slip up this bad. I wish so badly that i had a respectable mother. But she’s all I’ve known. I'm trying to be as good as i can with her. Talking to her everyday, listening to her cry about what’s she’s going to go through. Can i just say i hate how everything happens all at once. But i hope this time she learns....like I said i gotta get away from this state, from everything....
I’m hanging out with Tia tonight, we're most def gonna smoke it up, and chill. I’m gonna miss her so much when she moves to Sanford. Its only 45 mins away luckily. So I’ve been thinking that i might just have to go crawling back to Hannaford....i hate that....but at least this time i wont be a bagger. Id defiantly try my hand at being a cashier. i just hate when people watch me count money i get so unbelievably nervous. its like back in 6th grade when you were timed to do multiplication, i would freak out, and then to make it worse the teacher would walk around looking over your shoulder. but it will be to do it, to get over this, caz its stupid. It will be nice though to be back there, ill get to see some of the people who i used to work with....but i don’t know....there were reasons i left, and every time i go back there i remember why i quit....but maybe things will be better...ugh..
I’ve been having the worst time sleeping the past week, all i do it toss and turn. I’m like so soar this morning caz of the bed i guess....maybe i need a new mattress, i wish i could get a full bed...i hate having a twin. But seems like i toss and turn and think....about the future, and of some people. Then there are the nights when my ideas flow, and i need to write, or listen to music...
but i think i might give Hannaford another chance, because if there is a chance i do move...i can always transfer, as long as there is one nearby...but we'll see...i just got my credit card bill in the mail, so yeah i gotta get my ass to getting a job ASAP! lol
Can i just say that i danced my butt off in my kitchen last night at like 1am to "You really got me" by the Kinks...haha im a dork I <3 Dancing
I feel so uneasy that i have so much feelings for someone right now.
....i need to know why I’m not good enough. Because i want to be…I guess I just don’t understand
"shit" ...basically..
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this-even if it don't make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it." ~Fiona Apple "I know" - i love that song. ugh shes so amazing.
So yeah I've be constantly thinking about things....mainly college and work. i cant stand that i don’t know what i want. I desperately want to become a director, but i think that would make life that much harder for me. As much as i want to get college over with, i want to make sure what I’m going for is truly what i want, and i want it to give me a good life. And after all I’ve been through i think i deserve it. I just need to think what happiness is to me....besides love, which i hold above everything else. I hate that I put everything on hold for love, but its true. The way i see it, when i have it, nothing else matters. I don’t know if that’s good or not, I’m guessing its not, caz it hasn’t worked out for me too well in the past. I just need to find the right one. and no i cant say i fall in love easily, when i really like someone, i can just feel it, I’ve only been in love with two people, both of which hurt me beyond belief.
I HATE being confused....
As it turns out...my mom is going to jail for 30 days. Its so depressing to think she’s come this far 10 years being sober, then slip up this bad. I wish so badly that i had a respectable mother. But she’s all I’ve known. I'm trying to be as good as i can with her. Talking to her everyday, listening to her cry about what’s she’s going to go through. Can i just say i hate how everything happens all at once. But i hope this time she learns....like I said i gotta get away from this state, from everything....
I’m hanging out with Tia tonight, we're most def gonna smoke it up, and chill. I’m gonna miss her so much when she moves to Sanford. Its only 45 mins away luckily. So I’ve been thinking that i might just have to go crawling back to Hannaford....i hate that....but at least this time i wont be a bagger. Id defiantly try my hand at being a cashier. i just hate when people watch me count money i get so unbelievably nervous. its like back in 6th grade when you were timed to do multiplication, i would freak out, and then to make it worse the teacher would walk around looking over your shoulder. but it will be to do it, to get over this, caz its stupid. It will be nice though to be back there, ill get to see some of the people who i used to work with....but i don’t know....there were reasons i left, and every time i go back there i remember why i quit....but maybe things will be better...ugh..
I’ve been having the worst time sleeping the past week, all i do it toss and turn. I’m like so soar this morning caz of the bed i guess....maybe i need a new mattress, i wish i could get a full bed...i hate having a twin. But seems like i toss and turn and think....about the future, and of some people. Then there are the nights when my ideas flow, and i need to write, or listen to music...
but i think i might give Hannaford another chance, because if there is a chance i do move...i can always transfer, as long as there is one nearby...but we'll see...i just got my credit card bill in the mail, so yeah i gotta get my ass to getting a job ASAP! lol
Can i just say that i danced my butt off in my kitchen last night at like 1am to "You really got me" by the Kinks...haha im a dork I <3 Dancing
I feel so uneasy that i have so much feelings for someone right now.
....i need to know why I’m not good enough. Because i want to be…I guess I just don’t understand
"shit" ...basically..