(no subject)
As you have probably heard, one of my best friends is getting married this year. She did me the honor of asking me to be her maid of honor…um…and I am…honored - someone please buy me a thesaurus. So far, my bridesmaids duties (hee, I said “duty”) have included making fun of heinous wedding gowns and helping the bride figure out a non-bitchy way to tell the tacky people we work with that, no, they cannot try on her engagement ring (I mean, really, who asks that?). These duties (hee, said it again) have been rather painless (hee, pain-free duties), as they involve things I enjoy doing - namely making fun of other people. This Sunday will mark my very first official duty (seriously, I laugh every time) - accompanying the bride to a bridal show at the convention center downtown. I have a standing invitation for dinner with my parents on Sundays, but when Karen asked me to attend the show with her, I immediately said yes because it was my sacred duty (now I’m just trying to include it as often as possible) and besides, it was a chance to look at pretty things and an open forum for making fun of people. When I emailed my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to make it on Sunday, she emailed me back and said “I guess you’re probably going to miss the big game - Panthers and Giants play at 1”. You would not believe the panic and anxiety that swept in. MISS? THE GIANTS? GAME??? NOOOOOOOOOO. I immediately instant messaged Karen and cursed her for being “happy” and “getting married” and “being my friend” and “making me her maid of honor”. And do you know what the best bride ever said? She said, “Don’t come. You love the Giants.” Now, while some of you might think otherwise, I really am not a selfish bitch. I want to be at this bridal show with her and while it was extremely generous of her to let me off the hook, I told her that I would fulfill my obligation (see, I can sidestep the “duty” - HEE SIDESTEP DOODIE!). And what did the Best. Bride. EVAR. say to that? She said “We’ll go when it opens at 12 so that you can catch most of the game.” THEN she offered to let me watch it at her house because it’s closer (and her TV is FAR bigger than mine). And THEN she told me that she would even TiVo the game for me so I could watch it from the beginning. Say it with me - Best. Bride. EVAR.
You would think that these charitable offerings by Best Bride EVAR ™ would appease the panic. Sadly, you would be mistaken. Last night, I had an anxiety dream about football. I dreamed that I was wandering around some random city looking for a place to watch the game. I went to a bar and they had a zillion TVs and all of them were showing college football (I realize it is over…it’s a dream, work with me). TV after TV with nothing but college football - and my tension rising. I think I actually woke up in a cold sweat.
When I told junipar about my dream, she said I was “so cute” and then wondered something I ponder all the time - “how do you not have a boyfriend?” Exactly. How does the girl who has anxiety dreams about football and wears fishnet stockings not have a steady fella? Life is a mystery.
I’m hoping that the anxiety dream was just a fluke and that this evening I will go back to dreaming my crazy Dressed-Like-A-Chicken or Vacation-With-A-Wizard or Matt-Is-A-Pimp dreams instead.
What I do know? Is that the Best Bride EVAR ™ deserves a kick-ass shower. (And wedding present). Or at the very least, Bohemian Rhapsody in its entirety as sung by Tom Cruisssssthe (with braces). Thank you, Karen, for understanding the paramount necessity that is Giants football (especially versus the Panthers in the Wildcard game!). You, as the kids say, rocketh my face(th).
You would think that these charitable offerings by Best Bride EVAR ™ would appease the panic. Sadly, you would be mistaken. Last night, I had an anxiety dream about football. I dreamed that I was wandering around some random city looking for a place to watch the game. I went to a bar and they had a zillion TVs and all of them were showing college football (I realize it is over…it’s a dream, work with me). TV after TV with nothing but college football - and my tension rising. I think I actually woke up in a cold sweat.
When I told junipar about my dream, she said I was “so cute” and then wondered something I ponder all the time - “how do you not have a boyfriend?” Exactly. How does the girl who has anxiety dreams about football and wears fishnet stockings not have a steady fella? Life is a mystery.
I’m hoping that the anxiety dream was just a fluke and that this evening I will go back to dreaming my crazy Dressed-Like-A-Chicken or Vacation-With-A-Wizard or Matt-Is-A-Pimp dreams instead.
What I do know? Is that the Best Bride EVAR ™ deserves a kick-ass shower. (And wedding present). Or at the very least, Bohemian Rhapsody in its entirety as sung by Tom Cruisssssthe (with braces). Thank you, Karen, for understanding the paramount necessity that is Giants football (especially versus the Panthers in the Wildcard game!). You, as the kids say, rocketh my face(th).