remix for littlealex
Title: You're Still Not Dying
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: Arashi (Aiba/Nino)
Warnings: Genderswitch, menstruation, first person pov
Notes: This is totally fucked. I'm sorry.
Link to Original Story: You're Not Dying
Link to Original Writer: littlealex @ sleeptotwelve
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
-- William Congreve, The Mourning Bride (1697)
I'm sure my brother's girlfriend did this to me. That's the only explanation I can come up with. It must have been her because Nino only does magic with cards. And he doesn't like girls. Well, not in a sexual way at least. I made a joke about missing her period because she was being more of a bitch than usual. She said I didn't know anything about being a woman.
Is that really a good enough reason to give a guy breasts and a vagina?
When I got home from dinner at my parents' place last night I had all my boy bits intact. I showered, watched some TV, and went to bed early; nothing unusual there. I don't know how she did it-some kind of crazy Kansai voodoo? The next thing I knew, I was being woken up by Nino kicking the table in the middle of the night on the way back to bed from the bathroom. I'd been having a really cool dream about a shot-glass boat with a topless hula girl on the side and a lake of rich malty beer too. That's when he noticed my boobs.
All Nino said was, "Aiba, is this some kind of joke?" with an experimental squeeze of his hand. Then he just shrugged, rolled over and started to snore again.
As if I could get back to sleep again after that. How do girls keep from touching themselves all the time? It's so easy and you have nothing to hide. But Nino threatened to make me sleep on the couch so I had to stop. Stuff like this doesn't happen every day; he could have been a little more excited about it.
It's morning now, he tells me to call my manager and explain the situation as just before he walks out the door to work, like I've caught the flu or something. No big deal.
"You're not a girl, just because you have girl parts," he says, kissing me good-bye.
"Wait, so this doesn't make us straight now?" And then Nino punches me in the arm. Really hard. He doesn't pull his punches, even for girls; Nino believes in equal opportunity.
It took a while but once I convinced my manager, he tells me not to leave the house under "any circumstances whatsoever; not even if it's an emergency-and no, not even in the event of nuclear warfare". Well, that's boring so I call Sho-chan. He's smart, so hopefully he can help me figure out what to do. I remember him saying he was planning to spend his morning at home, doing some research for Zero, but he can never deny me when I offer to take him out for drinks.
Now that Nino's gone, I get to take a good look at myself. I inspect my profile: the softness of my stomach (or is it "belly" now?) and the curve of my ass makes a smooth line with the tops of my thighs, accented by a mound of soft hair and nothing else. It feels different, moving without something between my legs; it's pretty liberating. Have you ever gotten your junk caught in a zipper?
I lift my arms to see how the roundness on my chest moves; I cover my boobs with my hands (barely a handful), brushing my fingers along the soft undersides, plucking the nipples that have stiffened under my palms. It kind of tickles. I squeeze my boobs and push them together, making that valley that Sho-chan likes so much - and that's when he walks into the bathroom.
"Aiba-chan? I know this is a secure building but you should really lock your front door-"
He takes one look at my face, then my body, then my face again and goes pale - which is saying a lot because Sho-chan doesn't have the chance to go out in the sun much these days. He looks like he's about to faint, or maybe throw up - or both. I don't know what he's so upset about: I haven't even gotten around to exploring this vagina yet. But I think I'll save that until Nino comes home.
"You couldn't have warned me when you called?" Sho's voice does that pubescent squeaky thing, like when he goes up to high places.
"Where's the fun in that? I can't see your reaction through the phone."
Sho-chan doesn't handle these supernatural, maybe-humans-were-never-meant-to-know-this kinds of things very well so I call Matsujun. He's got some seventh sense about what it's like to be a woman and he knows what heels to pair with a mini skirt. He's the level-headed one. He makes a list and gets things done.
When Matsujun arrives, he hands Sho-chan a prescription bottle - probably some Valium from his personal collection - and examines me from top to bottom. Not literally, but pretty close. He smoothes the skin under my eyes (and berates me for the eye bags), makes me stick out my tongue ("Ugh, for the love of god, go brush your teeth."), checks behind my ears and under my arms: all my birthmarks and battle scars are in the right places. I am as tall as I was yesterday, just a little rounder in the hips. I feel out of proportion, but that would probably be the breasts and the fact that I've got a vagina where I used to have a penis (Matsujun says we have to be clinical about this).
I take a few pictures on my cell phone and send them to Leader. He replies with a picture from his Kaibutsu-kun costume fitting.
02/12 09:31
Captain
Re: Check me out
holy shit, those look real!
They are. Hot or not? I reply, with another shot of my cleavage. He doesn't quite know what to make of The Change either.
02/12 09:50
Captain
Re: Re: Check me out
i thought this kind of thing only happened in manga or movies. hot. for a girl who was a boy yesterday.
"Stop sexting Leader, it's gross. Here, put these on." Jun confiscates my phone and holds out a shopping bag. "This should cover you for a while; don't worry about your wardrobe - hopefully this won't last long enough to worry about it."
I pull out a simple bra with lace trim around the cups and a tiny pink bow in the centre, and matching panties. At the bottom of the bag, there's a box with lots of flowers and what looks like a giant sperm in a rocket launcher printed on the front. "What are these for?"
"Don't be stupid. Now you have a vagina and breasts. You can't just go around without support. Someone's going to notice. And those," he points to the box in my hand, "are just in case."
"Where did you get this stuff, Matsujun?"
"I raided my sister’s old room at home. Now, shut up and let's see if this bra fits you."
See? Matsujun thinks of everything.
It takes a bit of adjusting (Matsujun's sister has smaller boobs-breasts-than I do) but Jun lengthens the straps enough so that my nipples don't pop out every time I have to lean down. When it comes time to try on the panties, Sho-chan suddenly remembers he has some last minute scene for Kabachi and Jun says he's seen enough for one day.
Sho and Jun leave and I send another scandalous photo to Leader (cc: Nino) before deciding what to eat for lunch.
02/12 11:46
Captain
Re: One for the road
02/12 11:47
Nino
STOP THAT.
god you're even more of a slut as a woman. and don't send those to oh-chan.
----
What do you do when you're given a surprise day off but are under house arrest? Google your vagina. I haven't been with a girl for years. Though I think doing a vagina and having a vagina are two different things.
I know where the erogenous zones are (the nipples, the clit, the ears, the throat, the back of the knees) and how to touch them (gently, steadily, with fingers and tongue and maybe teeth if that's what she's into). I know the G-spot exists-in, up and towards the front?-but I've never been able to find it. None of my girlfriends were ever much help.
I type "vagina" into the search box and get approximately 19,500,000 hits. It's a good thing I don't have to go to work today.
I'm reading about the Gräfenberg spot and doing Kegel exercises when Nino comes home. He's carrying a bag of takeout from the Indian restaurant on the corner.
"Nino! Did you know that the vagina is the only self-cleaning human organ besides the eyes?"
"Why do you know that?"
"I did a lot of research today."
"'Research'?" I hate when he does air quotes.
"Yes, research. On how vaginas work."
"Aiba, they aren't that complicated. It's not like driving a car." Nino sets our dinner down on the kitchen counter.
"How do you know? Have you ever achieved a G-spot orgasm?"
"Seeing as how I don't have a vagina, no. But I have given a few."
"You have?"
"You do know that I dated people before you, right?"
"Can you give me one?"
Nino pinches the bridge of his nose. I know that look. "All this genderfucking is giving me a headache."
I step up behind Nino and squeeze his shoulders, working the tension out of the back of his neck. "Please?"
"Didn't you hear what I just said?"
"How many chances am I going to get to have this kind of experience?"
"I'm not having sex with you when you're like that."
"I'm still me! I'm still Aiba-chan!" Oh no, I feel tears pricking my eyes; I don't know if it's from the stress of The Change or from the hormones that have flooded my system. I take a deep breath but my traitorous voice still wavers. "We haven't had sex since Saturday."
Nino opens his mouth to protest more - I know he's going to say something like that was when you were a boy and now you're, well, not - but it's more effort than it's worth. Or maybe he just can't stand to see a girl cry. "Fine."
----
One week later, I'm still a girl. I feel really gross: my boobs hurt and my gut feels like it's being wrung out like a wet towel. Is this a side-effect of too much sex? I feel crampy and fat and just want to eat ice cream all day. Wait-aren't weird food cravings a sign of pregnancy?
My manager said it was okay to go back to work today. I'm kind of nervous - I think my father will kill me if I become an unwed mother. Or father. I've been passing as a boy for the last few days, but what about when I start showing? Wouldn't that be bad?
"Would you stop fidgeting? You're wrecking my concentration." Nino's furiously manipulates the buttons on his DS.
"I'm not," I pout.
"You are. See? Don't make me die again," Nino says, shoving me harder than necessary.
"Am not." Oh no, I feel the sting of tears again; my hormones are seriously out of tune. "I'm going to the bathroom."
I hear Nino heave a long-suffering sigh as I stalk across the room to the en suite. It's not like I asked to be this way. I don't feel like myself-it's kind of like I'm having an out of body experience.
I shut the door and gather up my skirt. Luckily we are doing a cosplay segment today; everything hurts so much I didn't want to wear tight pants today. Good thing I asked Matsujun to raid his sisters old room for a couple dresses. But these things are a pain in the ass when you have to go pee.
Oh my god. There's blood on my underwear. That's not right. Miscarriage?
"Nino! Nino, help me! Nino!" Why am I bleeding? Why doesn't it hurt? Do I have some kind of chronic bleeding disorder too? People aren't supposed to bleed randomly. Blood is supposed to stay in the body!
"What is it, Aiba," is Nino's bored response. How can he be so engrossed in his game when-
"I'm dying! Come in here! Now!" I am starting to get a little hysterical. Is that part of this disease too? Spontaneous hyperventilation? Maybe that will kill me before the bleeding does. I hike the dress up to my chest and check for other wounds. With that much blood, there must be more than one source.
Nino opens the door and leans against the door frame, nonchalant. "What's the matter?" I'm in the middle of a crisis, and Nino's checking out my bush.
"I'm bleeding! And it got on my underwear, and now my underwear is ruined!"
Nino sighs again and pinches the bridge of his nose. He rolls his eyes at me and I feel the sting of tears again. "Aiba, you're a girl now. You know what happens every month to a girl. Don't be so Carrie about it, you're not dying." Who is Carrie and what does she have to do with any of this? "It's called ‘menstruation', dumbass."
Oh. That takes a moment to sink in. But-
"What do I do?" My voice wavers uncontrollably. I don't have a sister, unlike everyone else. I don't know anything about feminine hygiene products or cycles. My mom skipped over all of that.
"Well, I'd suggest soaking your underwear in the sink so that they don't stain, finding one of the tampons Jun bought in his fit of organized hysteria, and shoving it up your vagina so you don't leak clotted blood all over the place."
"Nino, that's disgusting!" Uh, that just makes me cringe. I know that I'm standing half-naked with my bloody panties around my ankles, but he doesn't have to be so graphic. I'm not ready for that. "What tampons?"
"You know, the box with the tampon on the fro-You know what, don't worry about it. You soak your underwear; I'll go find a tampon."
I wipe my face with the back of my hand and turn on the cold water. A little bit runs off when I hold the panties under the tap, but they stain isn't coming off. Scrubbing usually helps get spaghetti sauce out - Matsujun taught me that.
But it's not working. "It's still red," I whine, scrubbing harder when Nino comes back with a box in his hand-wait, that does look familiar.
"Just let them soak," Nino says, smacking my hands and plugging the sink.
"How do you know that's going to work?" I barely hold in a sniffle.
"I had lots of nose-bleeds as a kid. My mom got tired of getting stains out of my t-shirts so she taught me how to do it." Nino grabs me by the upper arms and steers me to the toilet. "Sit."
I gather up my skirt and perch on the seat. Then he hands me a small, hard cotton pod-so this is a tampon-and an instruction sheet. "There." There's so much writing but at least there are pictures. Take off the wrapper, flare the bottom out, spread your legs, angle up and insert. Doesn't seem too hard. I just hope it doesn't get lost up there.
"Also, there was this," Nino holds out a Ziploc bag, "but I didn't know what they were. I thought I'd give them to you anyway."
"Finger sleeves!" Just like that time the producers from Shimura Doubutsuen wanted me to give a monkey a rectal exam. Too bad it didn't make the cut for broadcast - NTV said it was "inappropriate" and "unnecessary". But these make total sense: if you're going to stick your finger up a vagina while it's bleeding, you're going to want protection. "That's brilliant!"
Nino has that look on his face, like when those Perfume girls came on VS Arashi that one time. He doesn't even try to hide his apathy, "Awesome. Now, work it out."
It takes a few tries and a bit of contortion to get the tampon in, but I manage. I can't even feel it. I hope it doesn't fall out. Nino is still playing his game when I rejoin him on the couch. He lets me lean on him now that the crisis is averted. For now, at least. Who knows what's going to pop up next?
Nino's battling some fierce Slimes as Matsujun, Sho-chan and Leader come back from their run to the vending machine on the second floor (the one with the mini Oreos).
"What took you guys so long? Aiba's all dressed up with no where to go." Nino grumbles-the Slimes are tougher than they look. Leader sits on Nino's other side and perches his chin on Nino's shoulder to watch too.
"Sho stopped to get water," Jun says, pointing to the (mostly-empty) water bottle in Sho's hand.
"I was thirsty, okay!" Sho protests. "And now I have to pee."
"We had an adventure while you were gone!" I exclaim, loud enough for Sho-chan to hear in the bathroom. It's not every day that you have such a near-death experience.
I open my mouth to detail the use of the tampons and finger sleeves and how you should change it every four-to-six hours and the dangers of toxic shock syndrome-
"Why the fuck are there blood-stained panties in the sink? Aiba!"
"Nino told me to!"
"But that-why-how?"
"It's called ‘menstruation', Sho-chan," Nino repeats. "Do I have to go through this with you, too? When a woman reaches a certain age, she's ready to have a baby-"
"Stop! Okay, I get it!"
Nino snickers. He just loves to see Sho's trauma face.
"Nino!" I grab Nino's arm in excitement. This is great news!
"What now?"
"If I'm having my period, it means I'm not pregnant!"
----
I wake up the next day and everything's back to normal. The boobs are gone, the vagina's gone - my cock and balls are right back where they should be. I need to remember to buy some flowers or chocolates to apologize to my brother's girlfriend.
Thank god. I grab myself firmly through my pyjama pants, just to make sure. I have never been so happy to have morning wood in my entire life.
END
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: Arashi (Aiba/Nino)
Warnings: Genderswitch, menstruation, first person pov
Notes: This is totally fucked. I'm sorry.
Link to Original Story: You're Not Dying
Link to Original Writer: littlealex @ sleeptotwelve
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
-- William Congreve, The Mourning Bride (1697)
I'm sure my brother's girlfriend did this to me. That's the only explanation I can come up with. It must have been her because Nino only does magic with cards. And he doesn't like girls. Well, not in a sexual way at least. I made a joke about missing her period because she was being more of a bitch than usual. She said I didn't know anything about being a woman.
Is that really a good enough reason to give a guy breasts and a vagina?
When I got home from dinner at my parents' place last night I had all my boy bits intact. I showered, watched some TV, and went to bed early; nothing unusual there. I don't know how she did it-some kind of crazy Kansai voodoo? The next thing I knew, I was being woken up by Nino kicking the table in the middle of the night on the way back to bed from the bathroom. I'd been having a really cool dream about a shot-glass boat with a topless hula girl on the side and a lake of rich malty beer too. That's when he noticed my boobs.
All Nino said was, "Aiba, is this some kind of joke?" with an experimental squeeze of his hand. Then he just shrugged, rolled over and started to snore again.
As if I could get back to sleep again after that. How do girls keep from touching themselves all the time? It's so easy and you have nothing to hide. But Nino threatened to make me sleep on the couch so I had to stop. Stuff like this doesn't happen every day; he could have been a little more excited about it.
It's morning now, he tells me to call my manager and explain the situation as just before he walks out the door to work, like I've caught the flu or something. No big deal.
"You're not a girl, just because you have girl parts," he says, kissing me good-bye.
"Wait, so this doesn't make us straight now?" And then Nino punches me in the arm. Really hard. He doesn't pull his punches, even for girls; Nino believes in equal opportunity.
It took a while but once I convinced my manager, he tells me not to leave the house under "any circumstances whatsoever; not even if it's an emergency-and no, not even in the event of nuclear warfare". Well, that's boring so I call Sho-chan. He's smart, so hopefully he can help me figure out what to do. I remember him saying he was planning to spend his morning at home, doing some research for Zero, but he can never deny me when I offer to take him out for drinks.
Now that Nino's gone, I get to take a good look at myself. I inspect my profile: the softness of my stomach (or is it "belly" now?) and the curve of my ass makes a smooth line with the tops of my thighs, accented by a mound of soft hair and nothing else. It feels different, moving without something between my legs; it's pretty liberating. Have you ever gotten your junk caught in a zipper?
I lift my arms to see how the roundness on my chest moves; I cover my boobs with my hands (barely a handful), brushing my fingers along the soft undersides, plucking the nipples that have stiffened under my palms. It kind of tickles. I squeeze my boobs and push them together, making that valley that Sho-chan likes so much - and that's when he walks into the bathroom.
"Aiba-chan? I know this is a secure building but you should really lock your front door-"
He takes one look at my face, then my body, then my face again and goes pale - which is saying a lot because Sho-chan doesn't have the chance to go out in the sun much these days. He looks like he's about to faint, or maybe throw up - or both. I don't know what he's so upset about: I haven't even gotten around to exploring this vagina yet. But I think I'll save that until Nino comes home.
"You couldn't have warned me when you called?" Sho's voice does that pubescent squeaky thing, like when he goes up to high places.
"Where's the fun in that? I can't see your reaction through the phone."
Sho-chan doesn't handle these supernatural, maybe-humans-were-never-meant-to-know-this kinds of things very well so I call Matsujun. He's got some seventh sense about what it's like to be a woman and he knows what heels to pair with a mini skirt. He's the level-headed one. He makes a list and gets things done.
When Matsujun arrives, he hands Sho-chan a prescription bottle - probably some Valium from his personal collection - and examines me from top to bottom. Not literally, but pretty close. He smoothes the skin under my eyes (and berates me for the eye bags), makes me stick out my tongue ("Ugh, for the love of god, go brush your teeth."), checks behind my ears and under my arms: all my birthmarks and battle scars are in the right places. I am as tall as I was yesterday, just a little rounder in the hips. I feel out of proportion, but that would probably be the breasts and the fact that I've got a vagina where I used to have a penis (Matsujun says we have to be clinical about this).
I take a few pictures on my cell phone and send them to Leader. He replies with a picture from his Kaibutsu-kun costume fitting.
02/12 09:31
Captain
Re: Check me out
holy shit, those look real!
They are. Hot or not? I reply, with another shot of my cleavage. He doesn't quite know what to make of The Change either.
02/12 09:50
Captain
Re: Re: Check me out
i thought this kind of thing only happened in manga or movies. hot. for a girl who was a boy yesterday.
"Stop sexting Leader, it's gross. Here, put these on." Jun confiscates my phone and holds out a shopping bag. "This should cover you for a while; don't worry about your wardrobe - hopefully this won't last long enough to worry about it."
I pull out a simple bra with lace trim around the cups and a tiny pink bow in the centre, and matching panties. At the bottom of the bag, there's a box with lots of flowers and what looks like a giant sperm in a rocket launcher printed on the front. "What are these for?"
"Don't be stupid. Now you have a vagina and breasts. You can't just go around without support. Someone's going to notice. And those," he points to the box in my hand, "are just in case."
"Where did you get this stuff, Matsujun?"
"I raided my sister’s old room at home. Now, shut up and let's see if this bra fits you."
See? Matsujun thinks of everything.
It takes a bit of adjusting (Matsujun's sister has smaller boobs-breasts-than I do) but Jun lengthens the straps enough so that my nipples don't pop out every time I have to lean down. When it comes time to try on the panties, Sho-chan suddenly remembers he has some last minute scene for Kabachi and Jun says he's seen enough for one day.
Sho and Jun leave and I send another scandalous photo to Leader (cc: Nino) before deciding what to eat for lunch.
02/12 11:46
Captain
Re: One for the road
02/12 11:47
Nino
STOP THAT.
god you're even more of a slut as a woman. and don't send those to oh-chan.
----
What do you do when you're given a surprise day off but are under house arrest? Google your vagina. I haven't been with a girl for years. Though I think doing a vagina and having a vagina are two different things.
I know where the erogenous zones are (the nipples, the clit, the ears, the throat, the back of the knees) and how to touch them (gently, steadily, with fingers and tongue and maybe teeth if that's what she's into). I know the G-spot exists-in, up and towards the front?-but I've never been able to find it. None of my girlfriends were ever much help.
I type "vagina" into the search box and get approximately 19,500,000 hits. It's a good thing I don't have to go to work today.
I'm reading about the Gräfenberg spot and doing Kegel exercises when Nino comes home. He's carrying a bag of takeout from the Indian restaurant on the corner.
"Nino! Did you know that the vagina is the only self-cleaning human organ besides the eyes?"
"Why do you know that?"
"I did a lot of research today."
"'Research'?" I hate when he does air quotes.
"Yes, research. On how vaginas work."
"Aiba, they aren't that complicated. It's not like driving a car." Nino sets our dinner down on the kitchen counter.
"How do you know? Have you ever achieved a G-spot orgasm?"
"Seeing as how I don't have a vagina, no. But I have given a few."
"You have?"
"You do know that I dated people before you, right?"
"Can you give me one?"
Nino pinches the bridge of his nose. I know that look. "All this genderfucking is giving me a headache."
I step up behind Nino and squeeze his shoulders, working the tension out of the back of his neck. "Please?"
"Didn't you hear what I just said?"
"How many chances am I going to get to have this kind of experience?"
"I'm not having sex with you when you're like that."
"I'm still me! I'm still Aiba-chan!" Oh no, I feel tears pricking my eyes; I don't know if it's from the stress of The Change or from the hormones that have flooded my system. I take a deep breath but my traitorous voice still wavers. "We haven't had sex since Saturday."
Nino opens his mouth to protest more - I know he's going to say something like that was when you were a boy and now you're, well, not - but it's more effort than it's worth. Or maybe he just can't stand to see a girl cry. "Fine."
----
One week later, I'm still a girl. I feel really gross: my boobs hurt and my gut feels like it's being wrung out like a wet towel. Is this a side-effect of too much sex? I feel crampy and fat and just want to eat ice cream all day. Wait-aren't weird food cravings a sign of pregnancy?
My manager said it was okay to go back to work today. I'm kind of nervous - I think my father will kill me if I become an unwed mother. Or father. I've been passing as a boy for the last few days, but what about when I start showing? Wouldn't that be bad?
"Would you stop fidgeting? You're wrecking my concentration." Nino's furiously manipulates the buttons on his DS.
"I'm not," I pout.
"You are. See? Don't make me die again," Nino says, shoving me harder than necessary.
"Am not." Oh no, I feel the sting of tears again; my hormones are seriously out of tune. "I'm going to the bathroom."
I hear Nino heave a long-suffering sigh as I stalk across the room to the en suite. It's not like I asked to be this way. I don't feel like myself-it's kind of like I'm having an out of body experience.
I shut the door and gather up my skirt. Luckily we are doing a cosplay segment today; everything hurts so much I didn't want to wear tight pants today. Good thing I asked Matsujun to raid his sisters old room for a couple dresses. But these things are a pain in the ass when you have to go pee.
Oh my god. There's blood on my underwear. That's not right. Miscarriage?
"Nino! Nino, help me! Nino!" Why am I bleeding? Why doesn't it hurt? Do I have some kind of chronic bleeding disorder too? People aren't supposed to bleed randomly. Blood is supposed to stay in the body!
"What is it, Aiba," is Nino's bored response. How can he be so engrossed in his game when-
"I'm dying! Come in here! Now!" I am starting to get a little hysterical. Is that part of this disease too? Spontaneous hyperventilation? Maybe that will kill me before the bleeding does. I hike the dress up to my chest and check for other wounds. With that much blood, there must be more than one source.
Nino opens the door and leans against the door frame, nonchalant. "What's the matter?" I'm in the middle of a crisis, and Nino's checking out my bush.
"I'm bleeding! And it got on my underwear, and now my underwear is ruined!"
Nino sighs again and pinches the bridge of his nose. He rolls his eyes at me and I feel the sting of tears again. "Aiba, you're a girl now. You know what happens every month to a girl. Don't be so Carrie about it, you're not dying." Who is Carrie and what does she have to do with any of this? "It's called ‘menstruation', dumbass."
Oh. That takes a moment to sink in. But-
"What do I do?" My voice wavers uncontrollably. I don't have a sister, unlike everyone else. I don't know anything about feminine hygiene products or cycles. My mom skipped over all of that.
"Well, I'd suggest soaking your underwear in the sink so that they don't stain, finding one of the tampons Jun bought in his fit of organized hysteria, and shoving it up your vagina so you don't leak clotted blood all over the place."
"Nino, that's disgusting!" Uh, that just makes me cringe. I know that I'm standing half-naked with my bloody panties around my ankles, but he doesn't have to be so graphic. I'm not ready for that. "What tampons?"
"You know, the box with the tampon on the fro-You know what, don't worry about it. You soak your underwear; I'll go find a tampon."
I wipe my face with the back of my hand and turn on the cold water. A little bit runs off when I hold the panties under the tap, but they stain isn't coming off. Scrubbing usually helps get spaghetti sauce out - Matsujun taught me that.
But it's not working. "It's still red," I whine, scrubbing harder when Nino comes back with a box in his hand-wait, that does look familiar.
"Just let them soak," Nino says, smacking my hands and plugging the sink.
"How do you know that's going to work?" I barely hold in a sniffle.
"I had lots of nose-bleeds as a kid. My mom got tired of getting stains out of my t-shirts so she taught me how to do it." Nino grabs me by the upper arms and steers me to the toilet. "Sit."
I gather up my skirt and perch on the seat. Then he hands me a small, hard cotton pod-so this is a tampon-and an instruction sheet. "There." There's so much writing but at least there are pictures. Take off the wrapper, flare the bottom out, spread your legs, angle up and insert. Doesn't seem too hard. I just hope it doesn't get lost up there.
"Also, there was this," Nino holds out a Ziploc bag, "but I didn't know what they were. I thought I'd give them to you anyway."
"Finger sleeves!" Just like that time the producers from Shimura Doubutsuen wanted me to give a monkey a rectal exam. Too bad it didn't make the cut for broadcast - NTV said it was "inappropriate" and "unnecessary". But these make total sense: if you're going to stick your finger up a vagina while it's bleeding, you're going to want protection. "That's brilliant!"
Nino has that look on his face, like when those Perfume girls came on VS Arashi that one time. He doesn't even try to hide his apathy, "Awesome. Now, work it out."
It takes a few tries and a bit of contortion to get the tampon in, but I manage. I can't even feel it. I hope it doesn't fall out. Nino is still playing his game when I rejoin him on the couch. He lets me lean on him now that the crisis is averted. For now, at least. Who knows what's going to pop up next?
Nino's battling some fierce Slimes as Matsujun, Sho-chan and Leader come back from their run to the vending machine on the second floor (the one with the mini Oreos).
"What took you guys so long? Aiba's all dressed up with no where to go." Nino grumbles-the Slimes are tougher than they look. Leader sits on Nino's other side and perches his chin on Nino's shoulder to watch too.
"Sho stopped to get water," Jun says, pointing to the (mostly-empty) water bottle in Sho's hand.
"I was thirsty, okay!" Sho protests. "And now I have to pee."
"We had an adventure while you were gone!" I exclaim, loud enough for Sho-chan to hear in the bathroom. It's not every day that you have such a near-death experience.
I open my mouth to detail the use of the tampons and finger sleeves and how you should change it every four-to-six hours and the dangers of toxic shock syndrome-
"Why the fuck are there blood-stained panties in the sink? Aiba!"
"Nino told me to!"
"But that-why-how?"
"It's called ‘menstruation', Sho-chan," Nino repeats. "Do I have to go through this with you, too? When a woman reaches a certain age, she's ready to have a baby-"
"Stop! Okay, I get it!"
Nino snickers. He just loves to see Sho's trauma face.
"Nino!" I grab Nino's arm in excitement. This is great news!
"What now?"
"If I'm having my period, it means I'm not pregnant!"
----
I wake up the next day and everything's back to normal. The boobs are gone, the vagina's gone - my cock and balls are right back where they should be. I need to remember to buy some flowers or chocolates to apologize to my brother's girlfriend.
Thank god. I grab myself firmly through my pyjama pants, just to make sure. I have never been so happy to have morning wood in my entire life.
END