(no subject)
As I was telling a friend, I think I had a touch of per-natal depression.
How do I know? Well, leading up to the pregnancy, Bible study ended, and tutoring kept getting cancelled. I had unknowingly stopped doing coursework and I was starting to feel "sick". In other words, i was behind on life.
When I thought I was pregnant, my husband kept dismissing thinking "it's all in my head". And let's be honest, it was for the past year. But this time "felt different".
Afterwards, babysitting starting getting cancelled due to the kid being sick. But at least I got to see my friend, one last time to tell her I really was pregnant! She had helped me figure out beforehand I was, and it was so nice to share the next excitedly with someone else.
On the other hand, my husband wanted to keep it a secret. I was the one who pushed to tell all the grandparents at once. I know why he wants to keep it a secret. To him, it doesn't feel real still. And for him, to be real, it needs to be more "black and white".
The only "good thing" that came out was when he said he was open to a home birth. Before he couldn't wrap his head around the idea. And now he's the one saying, if i want one, go for it!
The other thing leading up to this depressive state was that I was reading an article about women "regretting their decision to have children". It's an on going battle, and now women are being more vocal about their feelings and society is listening. Of course everyone is surprised, except those who know about it. Let's be clear, I love being a mom, but the same thoughts as to the life I left behind, really feels like it was left behind.
For the past 30 years I was working hard to become a teacher, a teacher who worked with students with special needs. I devoted my life to it, at one point telling God that if I couldn't have kids, these kids would be my kids.
Then I came to a point to my life where a friend was telling me, "are you sure want to get married? You don't seem like trying?" I was trying, but between classes, work, and church, how can one "find someone?" So with the same devotion of work, I set to find someone, and probably to my friend's and my belief, we were surprised it worked.
By this time, I had already decided that I was going to say "goodbye" to the life I knew and devote myself to my "new life". Seriously, I moved to a new province folks!
Everything was good. I was doing all my learning. But as they say, "when kids come...", I was fighting for some sort of normalcy, including having only English. I guess what they say about brain cells and all that biology stuff that I don't completely understand is true. Your brain is rewiring itself and it comes to a point where enough is enough.
Looking back, I know if I stayed where I was, I would be more prone to depression because of the pressure I put on myself to "do well". And writing this out, I realize that I put all my energy into work, and then it changed to marriage, and now into motherhood. Can you see how burn out is a reality for me? And for other women? All my friends who I know have the same intensity (if not more), than I. Yet, they are working, some even full-time.
And that's when I realized, especially as my other jobs started fading. How much I do want social and emotional support. But when the little one you're caring for is an introvert, like yourself and finds all her support from you. How can you say no? How can you tell your child, "mommy is doing xyz" when all you want to do is to cuddle with them and wish you didn't have to to xyz. For what it is worth, my xyz has just been chores around the house.
So yeah, this conflict that I have within my head, is never fully going to be on a page. How I wish for the "normalcy" of a career I love and for the family I love just as fiercely. How I wish I was closer to my parents, but I know that the conflicts that would arise would be too much for me I wouldn't know what to do. How I wish I wasn't an introvert who craved time completely alone yet, I want to provide for my introverted child (who I have just decided is also strong-willed...just like her mom!). How I wish that when I am upset about something that I can verbalize it directly so there's no diplomatic double-speak and my husband gets confused....especially when I think I'm being super clear (apparently texts are clearer for us to communicate. no surprise since we started 'dating' for 3 months just writing emails). How I wish I could fully go back to work for all those "kids" and yet at the same time provide the same educational fortitude for my own child. It's impossible for me. I know for some it is possible for some. But for it to be possible, ask them "what are you giving up?" It's not their largest value that they are giving up, but it is something.
Also, with all this, I do believe 'regret' used in the context of motherhood, is of mom's who know what is best for themselves. I was reading in the comments of kids who said their mom did regret having kids, but they were loved. A mom's feelings of what they "wish" they had done, if communicated to their kids doesn't have to negatively impact them. The regret can be for the past life and the what-ifs, but it can't be bad. It's a career change. We can regret career changes.
The difference is people see "motherhood" as "the job". Society has created it into this "perfect" job. The perfect job that entitles you to no money, complete dependence on a spouse (or partner) for everything, depletes you of emotions and social skills (unless you ask for the time off, which is dependent on your partner's schedule and time and their abilities and if they have the funds to fund it), and changes the cell of your bodies completely, and literally drains your body of all its nutrients (yes, I've been reading articles). Tell me someone who will do this job with this as part of their job description.
Also, I was thinking, who "thanks" the mom for a "good job". As a teacher, parents made a conscious choice to say "thank you" and encourage me and to give gifts for Christmas and end of the school year. That's 30 set of parents encouraging one teacher. Please note, I'm from a school where parents were committed to their school.
Parenting is a career. A career that society wants to encourage, but doesn't know how. Parenting is a daily choice with no holidays.
I can say, I'm loving being a parent, but I'll be honest, sometimes I wonder..."what would have happened if I never went onto e-harmony?" Would I have completed a Master's? What kids would I be helping through the broken education system? My friends and family, what would our relationships be like now? Would I still be at the same school? Living in the same place? And church? And, what happens if I met someone else? Could I still be living there and "doing it all"?
I do wonder. Sometimes I feel pangs of regret, especially if I'm doing it "wrong" or don't know what to do. Unlike teaching, I can't go to other co-workers and talk out the problems. Parents have a "you do what's right for you" slogan to defend what they are doing and to hopefully encourage others. Unfortunately this doesn't work for me and makes me wonder more.
I know this feeling is common. I read Facebook posts from Mom groups asking if their feelings of guilt is "okay". Mothers are seeking something.
For me, yelling and screaming helped me get to this point. helped me to communicate with my husband. Helped me get to this point of how to keep going. This is my new life. I love it. It's just that sometimes, I will wonder, "what if...". I will tell my daughter all this. She needs to know so she can make her decisions. And know that "what ifs..." are part of life.
How do I know? Well, leading up to the pregnancy, Bible study ended, and tutoring kept getting cancelled. I had unknowingly stopped doing coursework and I was starting to feel "sick". In other words, i was behind on life.
When I thought I was pregnant, my husband kept dismissing thinking "it's all in my head". And let's be honest, it was for the past year. But this time "felt different".
Afterwards, babysitting starting getting cancelled due to the kid being sick. But at least I got to see my friend, one last time to tell her I really was pregnant! She had helped me figure out beforehand I was, and it was so nice to share the next excitedly with someone else.
On the other hand, my husband wanted to keep it a secret. I was the one who pushed to tell all the grandparents at once. I know why he wants to keep it a secret. To him, it doesn't feel real still. And for him, to be real, it needs to be more "black and white".
The only "good thing" that came out was when he said he was open to a home birth. Before he couldn't wrap his head around the idea. And now he's the one saying, if i want one, go for it!
The other thing leading up to this depressive state was that I was reading an article about women "regretting their decision to have children". It's an on going battle, and now women are being more vocal about their feelings and society is listening. Of course everyone is surprised, except those who know about it. Let's be clear, I love being a mom, but the same thoughts as to the life I left behind, really feels like it was left behind.
For the past 30 years I was working hard to become a teacher, a teacher who worked with students with special needs. I devoted my life to it, at one point telling God that if I couldn't have kids, these kids would be my kids.
Then I came to a point to my life where a friend was telling me, "are you sure want to get married? You don't seem like trying?" I was trying, but between classes, work, and church, how can one "find someone?" So with the same devotion of work, I set to find someone, and probably to my friend's and my belief, we were surprised it worked.
By this time, I had already decided that I was going to say "goodbye" to the life I knew and devote myself to my "new life". Seriously, I moved to a new province folks!
Everything was good. I was doing all my learning. But as they say, "when kids come...", I was fighting for some sort of normalcy, including having only English. I guess what they say about brain cells and all that biology stuff that I don't completely understand is true. Your brain is rewiring itself and it comes to a point where enough is enough.
Looking back, I know if I stayed where I was, I would be more prone to depression because of the pressure I put on myself to "do well". And writing this out, I realize that I put all my energy into work, and then it changed to marriage, and now into motherhood. Can you see how burn out is a reality for me? And for other women? All my friends who I know have the same intensity (if not more), than I. Yet, they are working, some even full-time.
And that's when I realized, especially as my other jobs started fading. How much I do want social and emotional support. But when the little one you're caring for is an introvert, like yourself and finds all her support from you. How can you say no? How can you tell your child, "mommy is doing xyz" when all you want to do is to cuddle with them and wish you didn't have to to xyz. For what it is worth, my xyz has just been chores around the house.
So yeah, this conflict that I have within my head, is never fully going to be on a page. How I wish for the "normalcy" of a career I love and for the family I love just as fiercely. How I wish I was closer to my parents, but I know that the conflicts that would arise would be too much for me I wouldn't know what to do. How I wish I wasn't an introvert who craved time completely alone yet, I want to provide for my introverted child (who I have just decided is also strong-willed...just like her mom!). How I wish that when I am upset about something that I can verbalize it directly so there's no diplomatic double-speak and my husband gets confused....especially when I think I'm being super clear (apparently texts are clearer for us to communicate. no surprise since we started 'dating' for 3 months just writing emails). How I wish I could fully go back to work for all those "kids" and yet at the same time provide the same educational fortitude for my own child. It's impossible for me. I know for some it is possible for some. But for it to be possible, ask them "what are you giving up?" It's not their largest value that they are giving up, but it is something.
Also, with all this, I do believe 'regret' used in the context of motherhood, is of mom's who know what is best for themselves. I was reading in the comments of kids who said their mom did regret having kids, but they were loved. A mom's feelings of what they "wish" they had done, if communicated to their kids doesn't have to negatively impact them. The regret can be for the past life and the what-ifs, but it can't be bad. It's a career change. We can regret career changes.
The difference is people see "motherhood" as "the job". Society has created it into this "perfect" job. The perfect job that entitles you to no money, complete dependence on a spouse (or partner) for everything, depletes you of emotions and social skills (unless you ask for the time off, which is dependent on your partner's schedule and time and their abilities and if they have the funds to fund it), and changes the cell of your bodies completely, and literally drains your body of all its nutrients (yes, I've been reading articles). Tell me someone who will do this job with this as part of their job description.
Also, I was thinking, who "thanks" the mom for a "good job". As a teacher, parents made a conscious choice to say "thank you" and encourage me and to give gifts for Christmas and end of the school year. That's 30 set of parents encouraging one teacher. Please note, I'm from a school where parents were committed to their school.
Parenting is a career. A career that society wants to encourage, but doesn't know how. Parenting is a daily choice with no holidays.
I can say, I'm loving being a parent, but I'll be honest, sometimes I wonder..."what would have happened if I never went onto e-harmony?" Would I have completed a Master's? What kids would I be helping through the broken education system? My friends and family, what would our relationships be like now? Would I still be at the same school? Living in the same place? And church? And, what happens if I met someone else? Could I still be living there and "doing it all"?
I do wonder. Sometimes I feel pangs of regret, especially if I'm doing it "wrong" or don't know what to do. Unlike teaching, I can't go to other co-workers and talk out the problems. Parents have a "you do what's right for you" slogan to defend what they are doing and to hopefully encourage others. Unfortunately this doesn't work for me and makes me wonder more.
I know this feeling is common. I read Facebook posts from Mom groups asking if their feelings of guilt is "okay". Mothers are seeking something.
For me, yelling and screaming helped me get to this point. helped me to communicate with my husband. Helped me get to this point of how to keep going. This is my new life. I love it. It's just that sometimes, I will wonder, "what if...". I will tell my daughter all this. She needs to know so she can make her decisions. And know that "what ifs..." are part of life.