Whats Going On
Ok some of you I have talked with and some I have not. You all are my friends and I know that ya'll care about me. It has been a very tough couple of months and now the decisions that have been made are those that had to be done.
I am going to get the bad out of the way first and finish with some good news.
My marriage has never been easy we always had to work very hard to keep it going. Alot of the time we were arguing and making choices that were not best and that hurt each of us. We tried very hard to get over these bad decisions but in the back of our minds they were always there. I think sometimes when you say you forgive someone or you think you do it never goes away. The pain is always real and in the forefront of your mind.
Let me explain to you why we moved to Texas. The major reasons were the schooling knowing that our children would have a great education. One of the other reasons was just getting away from a place where so much bad had happened. Getting to a place where no one knew us and we could start fresh and hopefully work on our marriage. It was not long before the fighting and arguing started and I was once again feeling such despair. I have been sleeping on the couch because I could not bring myself to sleep in the bed with him. Not because I didnt want to but because there was such distance between us. I didnt feel right.
Well a few weeks ago I said ok I can't do this anymore. I need to get over things try and change somethings that I had been doing. Like being on the computer non stop. I know that was a huge problem so I said ok I need to get off of it. Well one saturday morning I decided I was going to go into the room and cuddle up with him it had been a long time since doing that. Of course one thing led to another I wont get into that hehehe. So that day was ok and the next day for lack of better words all hell broke lose. Things were said that hurt to the core. But that night I sat here and talked to him and even though it wasnt perfect I though maybe we were going to get through this.
Well for some reason not sure what it was but something didn't feel right. Something just felt wrong. So I decided to take it upon myself and play Private Detective. It wasnt hard to do since what I needed was left right in the open. I was nosey and got into his cell phone where I found text messages from a girl. This girl was someone he had dated a couple times while we were seperated a little over two years ago. I don't think that I expected to find what I did. There was a text message from this girl in which she told him "since ya'll live in tx now just shoot her and make it look like an accident". I never ever ever expected that and even still I can't believe she said that. Well I came to find out that they had been talking for two years. Of and on but still talking. He swears they are friends but why talk to someone else instead of me. This is not the only person, he had also been talking to more people. In fact he talked to someone who I was at one time very very close to. That alone hurt so much.
So anyways fast forward a little bit. Here I am in Texas where I am happy but I am alone. I have my children dont get me wrong. I have no family here and now no friends. No one to come over and sit with me tell me it will be ok. I depend on my friends that I have met on the internet and some friends back in CA. Also I talk to my family back home as much as possible. They are not sure what to tell me other then they are here for me.
Now this is the thing. I have decided to ask for a divorce. Some of you may think that it's wrong and some of you may think its best. For me it was best. After so many years of hurt and frustration and the fighting I think we are both fed up.
With this comes huge changes. I have to find a job I am on the hunt right now as we speak. I have a job interview a week from today and I am hoping so much to be able to find a job where I will be able to support my kids as best I can. It is going to be very hard I have been out of the loop for so long. I am asking ya'll to please remeber me in your prayers and your thoughts cause I need it horribly. There are times I feel such despair and the feeling of being so completley stressed out is there and I just want to give up. Give up on looking for a job and just stay in the marriage where I know I can be with my kids all the time. But I have come to realize that my happiness is something that the children need also. If I am happy then they will be also. This is a daily process so please just remember me when ya stop to say your prayers.
Now some good news. Getting together a resume with the help of my friend Liz was easier then I thought. Thanks again hun. I now have my resume listed on a couple of job sites. I have my first interview a week from today. Hopefully will be hearing about another one within the week. I am hoping that all will work out for the good. Am I scared HELL YEA. Not scared of being alone more of being scared of failing. Or not being strong enough to be what I need to be for my kids. Thing is my kids are the love of my life. Me and Sam have rekindled a mother daughter relationship that I am so happy to have with her. Will it change probably. Only because she is going to be a teenager soon hehehe. I hope that I will have her this way for a long time though.
So this is all I have to say for now. It's alot to say and I know there will be more to come so bear with me as I embark on this journey. It will be a long one thats for sure. I will need all the support I can get and the prayers so that I can feel better for sure well maybe not feel better maybe just have the strength I need. Ok seriously I am done now. hehe talk to ya soon