Rilke
"First of all ... have patience ... I beg you to be patient to all the unsolved problems of your heart and to care for the questions themselves. Do not search for answers to be given; if given, they would be of no use, for you could not live another's answers. For the present, live in the questions, and little by little and almost unconsciously you will enter the answers and live them too."
--Rainer Maria Rilke
For example, 12 years ago I didn't believe my friend when she said that she could tell that my boyfriend wasn't ready to be married (and I didn't believe him saying that he wanted to wait until he was in his mid-30's to marry -- denial! he did). Once I was ready to be married (at 30, finally) all of a sudden I had this magical ability to tell which datable men were also ready to be married.
Since shortly after I was married, I've had the magical ability to recognize divorce squashed men. Does that mean that I'm ready to be divorced, ready to avoid being divorced, or finally not squashed myself?
Thirty was a good year for me. I had healed from a lot of my family of origin issues (I'll get back to how later). I had learned how to love myself. Dating became very easy because I didn't need someone to love me romantically. I was already surrounded by love (the kind I mistakenly used to think didn't matter as much as romantic love: from friends, mentors, and a loving if imperfect family). I wanted someone to share love with and to help me love our children. Loving myself made it easy to walk away from non-optimal relationships. My self-esteem wasn't wounded by not fitting into what someone else wanted; in turn, I didn't want to settle for less than everything I wanted in a partner, turning my imperfect fits loose to be more greatly appreciated elsewhere.
I need people. I love but do not need specific people. It hurts less when those specific loved people mistakenly hurt me or grow apart from me. One of my well-parented former roommates has a saying from her mother which I like: "Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe." I'm responsible for my own happiness, and I can love myself through a lot of difficulties -- with thanks to those specific ones who add their love when the going is tough.
--Rainer Maria Rilke
For example, 12 years ago I didn't believe my friend when she said that she could tell that my boyfriend wasn't ready to be married (and I didn't believe him saying that he wanted to wait until he was in his mid-30's to marry -- denial! he did). Once I was ready to be married (at 30, finally) all of a sudden I had this magical ability to tell which datable men were also ready to be married.
Since shortly after I was married, I've had the magical ability to recognize divorce squashed men. Does that mean that I'm ready to be divorced, ready to avoid being divorced, or finally not squashed myself?
Thirty was a good year for me. I had healed from a lot of my family of origin issues (I'll get back to how later). I had learned how to love myself. Dating became very easy because I didn't need someone to love me romantically. I was already surrounded by love (the kind I mistakenly used to think didn't matter as much as romantic love: from friends, mentors, and a loving if imperfect family). I wanted someone to share love with and to help me love our children. Loving myself made it easy to walk away from non-optimal relationships. My self-esteem wasn't wounded by not fitting into what someone else wanted; in turn, I didn't want to settle for less than everything I wanted in a partner, turning my imperfect fits loose to be more greatly appreciated elsewhere.
I need people. I love but do not need specific people. It hurts less when those specific loved people mistakenly hurt me or grow apart from me. One of my well-parented former roommates has a saying from her mother which I like: "Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe." I'm responsible for my own happiness, and I can love myself through a lot of difficulties -- with thanks to those specific ones who add their love when the going is tough.