Grammys
The Grammys are tonight, so instead of doing my schoolwork, I decided that Phantastik and I should have an online conversation about the "music awards." Here it is, with a few editing decisions made. We tried to keep it as close to how it would've been had it been on JENNY EATS SOMETHING. Enjoy.
JUSTIN CASE (JC): Let's get it started. Coincidentally, that's up for Record of the Year.
CAPTAIN PHANTASTIK (CP): Yeah! It is up for Record of the Year.
JC: Wasn't it originally "Let's Get Retarded?"
CP: That it was. Apparently they changed it because they thought the mentally handicapped would be offended by it.
JC: Everyone knows 'tards don't listen to music.
CP: I was thinkin' about saying they wouldn't get offended, but that's actually the one thing that's taboo with me.
JC: Retards or Black Eyed Peas?
CP: Black Eyed Peas, obviously. I try not to make fun of bands named after food.
JC: Who do you think'll win Record of the Year, or who do you want to win? I'm hoping it's "Yeah!" just to see Lil Jon get a Grammy.
CP: I think Usher, Lil Jon, and Ludacris with "Yeah!" will win. Mostly due to the fact it was played the most out of all of them and that's one of the major points of how to win.
JC: We'll move onto Album now. Two of the 5 were actually on your top 10 list.
CP: They were.
JC: And didn't Alicia Keys' album come out like 3 years ago?
CP: Yeah, it came out a while ago. Kanye has 10 nominations. So he could tie with current holders of most Grammys per album, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and Santana's "Supernatural," or even beat them. Since they are tied with 9. But I think Usher is going to win.
JC: I just hope to Gandhi that Green Day doesn't win. After "Dookie," that's all they've made.
CP: They are helpin’ the black hair dye and eyeliner industry though.
JC: And the abortion industry.
CP: I've never heard more true words. I do like their current single though. Not enough to remember its name apparently. Anyway, Alicia and Kanye are both up for Song of the Year. Who do you think is going to take that Grammy?
JC: Well, I've always been confused as to the difference between Record and Song.
CP: Yeah, there is no difference.
JC: I've only heard two of the songs, and the only one I kind of liked was "The Reason."
CP: I think John Mayer is going to win with "Daughters" because he helps me with my white boy pain.
JC: Haha, I just looked down at the Best New Artist noms and thought it said the Beach Boys. Upon investigation, it was Los Lonely Boys. It's funny how only like 2 of the artists are actually new. Maroon 5's CD actually has been out for 3 years.
CP: It's also funny how people consider Gretchen Wilson an "artist." I think Kanye is going to get it. Unless the Grammys are still racist.
JC: They are. Gretchen Wilson takes it. It's a good thing she's not nominated for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance.
CP: I want Norah Jones to win it. And then I want her to hit Bjork in the head with a brick.
JC: I like Gwen Stefani's voice a lot, but correct me if I'm wrong, doesn't her solo stuff sound like robots on fire?
CP: It must be her breasts implants backfiring.
JC: Did she get 'em?
CP: It appears to be that way. They aren't huge but she's bigger.
JC: Speaking of breast implants, think Elvis Costello's gonna take Best Male?
CP: I really want Prince to win it. Seal is marrying Heidi Klum.
JC: I'd like to see Prince take it as well, but I think the Grammy voters have a hard-on for Groban.
CP: Just because he looks like clean-shaven Jesus doesn't mean he's good. If Josh Groban beats both Elvis Costello and Prince, that's proof there needs to be new judges for the Grammys.
JC: Who judges them anyway?
CP: Old white people.
JC: My favorite food.
CP: Evanescence is up for Best Pop Performance by a Duo with "My Immortal" again this year.
JC: I never liked them. Didn't they die of AIDS or something?
CP: Only if we could be so lucky. Speaking of dying, I think "Genius Loves Company" by Ray Charles will win Best Pop Vocal Album.
JC: I'm gonna go with "Smile" even though the songs on it are like 30 years old.
CP: Well, Charlie Manson had sleepovers with Brian Wilson.
JC: Oooh, lookie here. Al-Qaeda operative Ryan Adams up for a Grammy.
CP: With "Wonderwall?" Is it an Oasis cover?
JC: It's another terrorist plot.
CP: I don't care about this award this year because it blows. So I'm just gonna say that U2 will win Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal.
JC: I like "Somebody Told Me," but I don't think it's gonna win. Green Days takes it, further progressing the demise of man.
CP: Our old friends Modest Mouse are up for Best Rock Song.
JC: I wouldn't call them old friends.
CP: Yeah. U2 or Velvet Revolver should take it.
JC: And then Scott Weiland will sell it for smack.
CP: I also think he'll sell the Grammy when he and Slash and the other guys from GnR + The Edge look-a-like win Best Rock Album.
JC: Rock Album? I say Green Day. How many old white men did they sleep with to get all these nods?
CP: I don't really have a rebuttal for that.
JC: Jesus Christ, Janet is up for a Grammy. I'm surprised they didn't bar her.
CP: At first I thought it said "I Want You Back." Alicia Keys should win it.
JC: "Whatever," says Jill Scott. And for the men?
CP: Prince will take it with "Call My Name."
JC: "Call My Name" and "A Million Days" sound so alike that I have trouble liking them.
CP: I like "Call My Name" because a few years ago that song wouldn't have made any sense.
JC: Yeah, as long as R. Kelly doesn't get it. Holy crap! This next category looks like it could've been in 1973, 1993, or 2003.
CP: Yeah, fo' real. As long as Floetry doesn't win, I don't care. I'd prefer it if EW&F won though.
JC: How 'bout Best R&B song? Prince again?
CP: Usher has the odds on winning it since he has 3 songs there, Alicia has 2. But since Prince is in it, I'll go with him again with false hope.
JC: What?!?
CP: Yeah.
JC: What?!?
CP: Okay.
JC: Al Green is still alive? He's nominated for Best R&B Album.
CP: I also think Prince should take away that one. I don't know how Usher wasn't even nominated for this.
JC: And all of my dreams have been crushed... It is possible to record a song with your mouth wired shut and still be nominated for Best Rap Solo Performance.
CP: Indeed.
JC: I guess it's all good when you just speed up some old song in the background.
CP: I think Jay-Z or Lloyd Banks should take it because of how much they were played. But since the Grammys don't understand hip-hop and are racist pricks, Eminem will win it, despite he's over-hyped and sucks at life.
JC: How about group-wise?
CP: I would love for the Roots to win it. It's an insult to hip-hop to even put Terror Squad near the Roots.
JC: I've never even heard of Terror Squad, but I guess that's 'cause I'm not street.
CP: What about best Rap Song?
JC: Whoa, two noms for BEP. I think the Jizza will take it. Does he go by that?
CP: No.
JC: Well, he will once he wins this Grammy.
CP: Best Rap Album blows nuts, but Kanye will win it.
JC: Although I'd love to see the Beasties take it.
CP: It lacks Mos Def's, Talib Kweli's, and the Roots' albums.
JC: Maybe they'll be nominated like 3 years from now, like Alicia Keys.
CP: FINALLY, we're at the country category.
JC: Loretta Lynn made love to Jack White. She'll take Best Female.
CP: Martina McBride or Shania Twain should win because of hotness. I want Bobby Brown to win Best Male Country Vocal Performance.
JC: Well, if they do give these for hotness, Lyle Lovett's got it in the bag.
CP: I don't know any of these country artists.
JC: "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long." That's damn disgusting.
CP: Yeah. Somehow it'll get blamed on hip-hop. Country music is just slowly becoming the "Jerry Springer Show."
JC: In that case, let's move on. Compilation Soundtrack. "Garden State" sold a lot of copies.
CP: I didn't see the movie, but I've seen the commercial, so sure. I'm surprised the "Team America" soundtrack isn't on there.
JC: Score Soundtrack should go to "Eternal Sunshine." I like Jon Brion. But I wouldn't be surprised if the Grammy voters get in line for the LOTR-ass-kissing train and give it to that piece of s.
CP: Danny Elfman used to do a lot of Tim Burton's stuff, so if he did "Big Fish," I'll go with that. Best Song Written for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media will go to "Accidentally in Love" because of the guy from the Counting Crows' fake dreads. That's going to be his new musical. It's going to be Elton John songs sped up.
JC: And for Best Salsa/ Merengue Album I must go with Gilberto Santa Rosa, whose gentlemanly vocal stylings rock my inner salsa soul. Although Marc Anthony is nominated.
CP: Marc Anthony. I'm going to go shower because I feel dirty at the mention of his name.
The Grammys are on at some time tonight on some channel.
JUSTIN CASE (JC): Let's get it started. Coincidentally, that's up for Record of the Year.
CAPTAIN PHANTASTIK (CP): Yeah! It is up for Record of the Year.
JC: Wasn't it originally "Let's Get Retarded?"
CP: That it was. Apparently they changed it because they thought the mentally handicapped would be offended by it.
JC: Everyone knows 'tards don't listen to music.
CP: I was thinkin' about saying they wouldn't get offended, but that's actually the one thing that's taboo with me.
JC: Retards or Black Eyed Peas?
CP: Black Eyed Peas, obviously. I try not to make fun of bands named after food.
JC: Who do you think'll win Record of the Year, or who do you want to win? I'm hoping it's "Yeah!" just to see Lil Jon get a Grammy.
CP: I think Usher, Lil Jon, and Ludacris with "Yeah!" will win. Mostly due to the fact it was played the most out of all of them and that's one of the major points of how to win.
JC: We'll move onto Album now. Two of the 5 were actually on your top 10 list.
CP: They were.
JC: And didn't Alicia Keys' album come out like 3 years ago?
CP: Yeah, it came out a while ago. Kanye has 10 nominations. So he could tie with current holders of most Grammys per album, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and Santana's "Supernatural," or even beat them. Since they are tied with 9. But I think Usher is going to win.
JC: I just hope to Gandhi that Green Day doesn't win. After "Dookie," that's all they've made.
CP: They are helpin’ the black hair dye and eyeliner industry though.
JC: And the abortion industry.
CP: I've never heard more true words. I do like their current single though. Not enough to remember its name apparently. Anyway, Alicia and Kanye are both up for Song of the Year. Who do you think is going to take that Grammy?
JC: Well, I've always been confused as to the difference between Record and Song.
CP: Yeah, there is no difference.
JC: I've only heard two of the songs, and the only one I kind of liked was "The Reason."
CP: I think John Mayer is going to win with "Daughters" because he helps me with my white boy pain.
JC: Haha, I just looked down at the Best New Artist noms and thought it said the Beach Boys. Upon investigation, it was Los Lonely Boys. It's funny how only like 2 of the artists are actually new. Maroon 5's CD actually has been out for 3 years.
CP: It's also funny how people consider Gretchen Wilson an "artist." I think Kanye is going to get it. Unless the Grammys are still racist.
JC: They are. Gretchen Wilson takes it. It's a good thing she's not nominated for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance.
CP: I want Norah Jones to win it. And then I want her to hit Bjork in the head with a brick.
JC: I like Gwen Stefani's voice a lot, but correct me if I'm wrong, doesn't her solo stuff sound like robots on fire?
CP: It must be her breasts implants backfiring.
JC: Did she get 'em?
CP: It appears to be that way. They aren't huge but she's bigger.
JC: Speaking of breast implants, think Elvis Costello's gonna take Best Male?
CP: I really want Prince to win it. Seal is marrying Heidi Klum.
JC: I'd like to see Prince take it as well, but I think the Grammy voters have a hard-on for Groban.
CP: Just because he looks like clean-shaven Jesus doesn't mean he's good. If Josh Groban beats both Elvis Costello and Prince, that's proof there needs to be new judges for the Grammys.
JC: Who judges them anyway?
CP: Old white people.
JC: My favorite food.
CP: Evanescence is up for Best Pop Performance by a Duo with "My Immortal" again this year.
JC: I never liked them. Didn't they die of AIDS or something?
CP: Only if we could be so lucky. Speaking of dying, I think "Genius Loves Company" by Ray Charles will win Best Pop Vocal Album.
JC: I'm gonna go with "Smile" even though the songs on it are like 30 years old.
CP: Well, Charlie Manson had sleepovers with Brian Wilson.
JC: Oooh, lookie here. Al-Qaeda operative Ryan Adams up for a Grammy.
CP: With "Wonderwall?" Is it an Oasis cover?
JC: It's another terrorist plot.
CP: I don't care about this award this year because it blows. So I'm just gonna say that U2 will win Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal.
JC: I like "Somebody Told Me," but I don't think it's gonna win. Green Days takes it, further progressing the demise of man.
CP: Our old friends Modest Mouse are up for Best Rock Song.
JC: I wouldn't call them old friends.
CP: Yeah. U2 or Velvet Revolver should take it.
JC: And then Scott Weiland will sell it for smack.
CP: I also think he'll sell the Grammy when he and Slash and the other guys from GnR + The Edge look-a-like win Best Rock Album.
JC: Rock Album? I say Green Day. How many old white men did they sleep with to get all these nods?
CP: I don't really have a rebuttal for that.
JC: Jesus Christ, Janet is up for a Grammy. I'm surprised they didn't bar her.
CP: At first I thought it said "I Want You Back." Alicia Keys should win it.
JC: "Whatever," says Jill Scott. And for the men?
CP: Prince will take it with "Call My Name."
JC: "Call My Name" and "A Million Days" sound so alike that I have trouble liking them.
CP: I like "Call My Name" because a few years ago that song wouldn't have made any sense.
JC: Yeah, as long as R. Kelly doesn't get it. Holy crap! This next category looks like it could've been in 1973, 1993, or 2003.
CP: Yeah, fo' real. As long as Floetry doesn't win, I don't care. I'd prefer it if EW&F won though.
JC: How 'bout Best R&B song? Prince again?
CP: Usher has the odds on winning it since he has 3 songs there, Alicia has 2. But since Prince is in it, I'll go with him again with false hope.
JC: What?!?
CP: Yeah.
JC: What?!?
CP: Okay.
JC: Al Green is still alive? He's nominated for Best R&B Album.
CP: I also think Prince should take away that one. I don't know how Usher wasn't even nominated for this.
JC: And all of my dreams have been crushed... It is possible to record a song with your mouth wired shut and still be nominated for Best Rap Solo Performance.
CP: Indeed.
JC: I guess it's all good when you just speed up some old song in the background.
CP: I think Jay-Z or Lloyd Banks should take it because of how much they were played. But since the Grammys don't understand hip-hop and are racist pricks, Eminem will win it, despite he's over-hyped and sucks at life.
JC: How about group-wise?
CP: I would love for the Roots to win it. It's an insult to hip-hop to even put Terror Squad near the Roots.
JC: I've never even heard of Terror Squad, but I guess that's 'cause I'm not street.
CP: What about best Rap Song?
JC: Whoa, two noms for BEP. I think the Jizza will take it. Does he go by that?
CP: No.
JC: Well, he will once he wins this Grammy.
CP: Best Rap Album blows nuts, but Kanye will win it.
JC: Although I'd love to see the Beasties take it.
CP: It lacks Mos Def's, Talib Kweli's, and the Roots' albums.
JC: Maybe they'll be nominated like 3 years from now, like Alicia Keys.
CP: FINALLY, we're at the country category.
JC: Loretta Lynn made love to Jack White. She'll take Best Female.
CP: Martina McBride or Shania Twain should win because of hotness. I want Bobby Brown to win Best Male Country Vocal Performance.
JC: Well, if they do give these for hotness, Lyle Lovett's got it in the bag.
CP: I don't know any of these country artists.
JC: "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long." That's damn disgusting.
CP: Yeah. Somehow it'll get blamed on hip-hop. Country music is just slowly becoming the "Jerry Springer Show."
JC: In that case, let's move on. Compilation Soundtrack. "Garden State" sold a lot of copies.
CP: I didn't see the movie, but I've seen the commercial, so sure. I'm surprised the "Team America" soundtrack isn't on there.
JC: Score Soundtrack should go to "Eternal Sunshine." I like Jon Brion. But I wouldn't be surprised if the Grammy voters get in line for the LOTR-ass-kissing train and give it to that piece of s.
CP: Danny Elfman used to do a lot of Tim Burton's stuff, so if he did "Big Fish," I'll go with that. Best Song Written for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media will go to "Accidentally in Love" because of the guy from the Counting Crows' fake dreads. That's going to be his new musical. It's going to be Elton John songs sped up.
JC: And for Best Salsa/ Merengue Album I must go with Gilberto Santa Rosa, whose gentlemanly vocal stylings rock my inner salsa soul. Although Marc Anthony is nominated.
CP: Marc Anthony. I'm going to go shower because I feel dirty at the mention of his name.
The Grammys are on at some time tonight on some channel.