closing an open wound
tonight marked the end of a very important, long and challenging chapter in my life; volleyball.
Tonight was my first and last varsity banquet, although i have mixed feelings about the season, i am glad that i did not give up. Volleyball has always challenged me and pushed me to my limits, i gave up on myself once and that was enough to never let it happen again. (yes im still hung up on quitting in 8th grade...thats why im writing this enrty to let it all go for one last time.) I know i was never quite good at volleyball but i always felt like a deserved a better chance then i got, oh well i can only learn how to succeed from here on out. some of you might say that getting cut is a small insignifant thing in my life. in the large shceme of things yes- but it has made a tremendous impact on the person i have and are becoming.
i look back at the past year and a hlaf and am actually glad that i was cut. i am not always going to have everything handed to me on a silver platter. there are always going to be people i dont like, or disagree with, this has just tuaght me how to succeed in those types of enviorments. i dont like negative coaches, but not every boss or professor i am going to have is going to be happy and chipper all the time, once again volleyball (and my mom) has taught me how i need to respond in those types of situations.
so i feel shorted by coaches speech/sentence for me tonight, but i cant do anything about it. i feel i wasnt given a fair chance and that i was not provided with the tools i needed to reach my personal best, i feel i was underestimated and underminded. i feel my hard work didnt matter to him and most of all i feel let down. however he is just one person and i am chosing not to let him make or break me.
I can confidently say i am proud of the person inside, who pushed me through the hard times and pushed me even more during tough mental and physical struggles. i look back and realize how much easier it would have been to just give up...but thats what life is all about right? enduring hardships and coming through a stonger person in the end?
Although the season was filled with what i believe unfair chances, and missed oppurtunites. the friendships i made from the team i will forever hold close and dear to my heart. marie, nicole, meredith, julie, emily and laura. you guys taught me so much about myself, and i learned so much about true friendship from you guys too. you were always there for me when i was having a down day, and just wasnt feeling well. you taught me the real meaning of 'digging deep'- which didnt mean kissing ass to the couches but pushing myself becuase that was why i was here in the first place. when i go away to college next year a piece of my heart will always stay at mercy with you guys.
I know this entry may seem like a very selfish journal becuase all i talk about is myself but the reality is that volleyball has taught me i need to be selfish sometimes. i have to put everything i have into myself first, before i can give back to others
the most important lesson i have learned from being but and making the team this year is that some people make bad decisions and you can do nothing about it. the imporatn thing is to move forward and not to dwell on the past. right now i am closing a wound that ran so deep in my skin. the wound of exhaustion, excuses, frustration, disappointment and plain old anger. i was mad at coach when he cut me and i was happy when i made the team this year. looking back i dont know if he made the right decision either year but that is not something i will ever be able to figrue out. I look back and the season and wonder if i made the right decision by playing, but i know deep down i did. i made the right decision becuase i didnt play for my mom, or the coaches, i played for myself. Volleyball was once a highlight of my day, i think becuase it challenged me.
as the season settled in I overcame the challenge of making varsity and began to forget about the hard work i had put into beofre the season. i look back now and realize although i never completly gave up there were other things i could have done to better myself. but with this entry i am putting that all behind. i am putting all hopes and dreams (the little ones that were) of playing college volleyball and putting new dreams in front of me. i have come to face the reality i was never ment to be an amazing volleyball player or swimmer even, God put me here for another reason, I am going to make a difference in peoples lives one day and over coming high school volleyball was just a small stepping stone in reaching the gates of my future.
to everyone who was there to support me though my volleyball journey thank you. esp my friends who encouraged me to keep trying, and to the ones who even only came to one single game- it made a difference. i dont know who is actually going to read this entry and/or all of it but thanks for being a part of my life.
as they say..."when one door closes another opens" jenn
ps. sorry for the intense entry put please read!