version 3

Feb 04, 2012 10:45

In writerverse we're doing my favorite challenge from fictionland.  That's saying a lot for someone that tends to write longer (more wordy) fics because this challenge is to cut, cut, cut.

You can find the original here: Holding On to Love (To Save My Life)
It's 544 words and I thought it turned out pretty good.

Version 2 was pared down to 250 words and that actually wasn't too hard.  Probably because I knew what the challenge was and I realized as I was writing the original story that I was leaving in phrases and sentences I knew I could easily cut later (cheater, cheater is me).  But, honestly, the first draft of the original was over 800 words so I cut a lot and I really liked how it turned out.  Version 2 cut even more and I liked that, too.  I was able to keep my favorite phrases and I think I actually altered a couple and made them sound even better.

Version 3, though.  This was much harder since I had already taken out most of the extra stuff padding the story.  I ended up losing just about everything except the dialogue and got it down to 124 words!

Holdin' On to Love (To Save My Life) [version 3]
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Jack/Sam
124 words
rating: PG-13
WARNINGS: lots of blood, near death of main character

Some missions don't go as well as you hope but SG-1 has a knack for getting out of trouble by the skin of their teeth. Written for challenge #13a @ writerverse. Title from a Shania Twain song.

don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.

So much blood-caking her skin, soaking her pants.

"Hang on, sir," she shouted, tears streaming down her face.

The ground shook, dirt and debris raining down. Sam felt the blood under her hands again.

"Hang on," she murmured.

The colonel hissed. "How goes the war?" His voice barely a whisper.

"You've been shot, sir."

"Ya think?"

"We'll be getting you out of here soon."

His lips twisted up. "'Kay."

Sam grinned. "Just hang on, sir."

"Hanging on. Roger," he slurred, his hand coming up to wipe away her tears. His touch was weak but she took what comfort he offered.

She wasn't sure how long they stayed that way. Finally Sam saw the medics cresting the hill. He was going to make it.

If you're curious here are the three versions from my fictionland entry:
The original: Existing
It was 505 words.

I'll post the other two here because I never published them on my LJ, they were only available to the fictionland community.
Version 2 was 253 words:

It had been three years since he'd talked to her. It wasn't that he was bitter... Oh, who was he kidding? He was bitter as hell.

He watched a battered Hammond descend through the cloud cover and dock ungraciously. The scientists were surprised it even made it through reentry. The door slid open and the medics swarmed across the hard packed dirt. With the Asgard transporters off-line this was the first chance to remove the injured. Waves of crew were helped into waiting buses to be taken to another location for debriefing.

After what seemed like ages the tarmac emptied leaving just two people standing at opposite sides. Jack slid his shades on and stepped into the blinding sun. Twenty feet away Carter tried to hide her exhaustion and apprehension. Jack didn't think she was doing a very good job.

She limped across the space and saluted crisply. "Sir."

"Carter." He looked past her at what was left of her ship. "Glad to see you got her home in one piece. More or less." The subtext to that statement was about as subtle as a slap to the face.

"It's good to be home, sir."

"I'm sure you'll be wanting to get home to... your family so I won't keep you." The words were sour in his mouth.

This had been their existence for three years now-since she chose that cop over what might have been. Jack can't fault her for moving on with her life but he can't quite forgive her either.

Version 3 had 108 words and it was so freaking hard to write.  But I still loved this challenge.

Jack watched a battered Hammond dock ungraciously. The door slid open, medics swarming across to help the injured. Eventually the tarmac emptied. Jack stepped into the blinding sun; twenty feet away, Carter tried to hide her apprehension.

She saluted crisply. "Sir."

"Carter. Glad to see you got her home in one piece. More or less."

"It's good to be home, sir."

"I'm sure you'll be wanting to get home, so I won't keep you." The words taste sour.

This had been their existence for three years-since she chose that cop. Jack can't fault her for moving on with her life, but he can't quite forgive her either.

tv: stargate sg-1, fanfic, comm: writerverse

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