(no subject)
So, I don't talk about my feelings a lot on the internet. People who know me know that I'm pretty open, often to the point of making other people uncomfortable. As upfront as I can be, though, I am often very reserved when it comes to my real feelings about a situation.
Beneath the cut is some talking about my feelings about my mom. I put an LJ cut there because, well, that way if you want to read it you can and if feelings make you uncomfortable, you can just skip it.
I cried a lot last night. I was wondering why and trying to find excuses for it - my period is due, I've been a little under the weather this week. Then, I realized. I was crying because a. my mom died six months ago and b. today is another holiday without her.
We were raised going to church, but our family relationship with religion has been spotty at best. My mother LOVED holidays, though. All and any. Our Christmas decoration collection is ridiculous, and she handmade 95% of said ridiculousness. She gave us cards and candy at Valentine's day, she made us easter baskets well into our 20's. (Mom: "THE EASTER BUNNY CAME!" Us Kids: "Ma, we're adults. For real, let it go.)Birthdays were special, too - she made me cupcakes and hand-iced them with my name and decorations every year from 1-24. The only reason I didn't get them at 25 and 26 was it would have been too hard to mail them to me. Last year, she mailed me a chocolate bunny on easter. She sent candy and a card at Valentine's day. When the bluebonnets appeared, she sent me a fake bluebonnet to keep in my apartment so I wouldn't feel lonely for Texas.
This year every holiday has had something lovely. Family swarmed us at Christmas. Valentine's day I spent with a crowd of lovely ladies and my dad thought to give me a card. The bluebonnets are out and I can see them for real. But every holiday is a reminder that last year, I had my mom. I keep thinking that when this first year is over and I don't have to keep going "this time last year", it'll get a little easier. I suspect, though, that sometimes that will be true and sometimes it will be just as hard. Grief is hard and messy. I know I'm doing really well, but I still miss her all the time.
Ugghhh, okay. I am going to go put on my clothes and go to Randalls to get some muffins and spend a lovely afternoon with the oh-so-awesome Candice and her family.
Beneath the cut is some talking about my feelings about my mom. I put an LJ cut there because, well, that way if you want to read it you can and if feelings make you uncomfortable, you can just skip it.
I cried a lot last night. I was wondering why and trying to find excuses for it - my period is due, I've been a little under the weather this week. Then, I realized. I was crying because a. my mom died six months ago and b. today is another holiday without her.
We were raised going to church, but our family relationship with religion has been spotty at best. My mother LOVED holidays, though. All and any. Our Christmas decoration collection is ridiculous, and she handmade 95% of said ridiculousness. She gave us cards and candy at Valentine's day, she made us easter baskets well into our 20's. (Mom: "THE EASTER BUNNY CAME!" Us Kids: "Ma, we're adults. For real, let it go.)Birthdays were special, too - she made me cupcakes and hand-iced them with my name and decorations every year from 1-24. The only reason I didn't get them at 25 and 26 was it would have been too hard to mail them to me. Last year, she mailed me a chocolate bunny on easter. She sent candy and a card at Valentine's day. When the bluebonnets appeared, she sent me a fake bluebonnet to keep in my apartment so I wouldn't feel lonely for Texas.
This year every holiday has had something lovely. Family swarmed us at Christmas. Valentine's day I spent with a crowd of lovely ladies and my dad thought to give me a card. The bluebonnets are out and I can see them for real. But every holiday is a reminder that last year, I had my mom. I keep thinking that when this first year is over and I don't have to keep going "this time last year", it'll get a little easier. I suspect, though, that sometimes that will be true and sometimes it will be just as hard. Grief is hard and messy. I know I'm doing really well, but I still miss her all the time.
Ugghhh, okay. I am going to go put on my clothes and go to Randalls to get some muffins and spend a lovely afternoon with the oh-so-awesome Candice and her family.