I wanna run headlong into chaos.
My mother died on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009. It was the day after my birthday, which is the weirdest thing. I keep fixating on that, and also what to wear to the funeral which we haven't planned, and whether or not I want to see her. I do want to see her, I just want to see her walking, talking, and breathing. Complaining at me, gossiping about the neighborhood association and telling me that she can't talk right now, she's walking, but if I can wait twenty minutes she'll hurry home and turn on Skype. I keep making lists of things she'll never see and things we'll never do together. I'm trying to get home to be with my father and brother. I'm trying not to feel guilty that I moved so far away, that I wasn't there.
I'm coming home on Sunday to be with my family. Amazingly, Candice is visiting me this week - it was like the universe knew I absolutely could not be alone this week. I was going to make this big travel post about how I went out of town for my birthday and went paragliding and my best friend is here and we're having so much fun. I was going to post pictures for my mom, because she loved to read my blog. She loved to tell people she was proud of me, that I was living in Japan. I loved to tell people that I was proud to be her daughter.
My mother was brilliant, funny, sweet, kind, and loyal. She drove me nuts sometimes because, well, she was my mother, but I would give anything in the whole world to see her again. To have her hug me, to have her say my name and tell me she loved me.
This post is very incoherent because I can't process it yet. I can't believe that it's true. I'll come home on Sunday, and then maybe it'll be real.
My mother loved the TV show Saving Grace, and there was this poem that was spoken on the previews for it. We both liked the poem, and she copied it out and sent it to me a while ago. I'm going to post it here, for her.
I wanna bust the world wide open the way you do when you’re filled with youth.
I wanna engage with people and lovers and fellow cops.
I wanna be physical and I also wanna ask the big questions.
I wanna taste the tastes and fix the problems.
I wanna run headlong into chaos and bad guys and darkness and pranks and fun and laugh,
laugh, laugh.
I wanna be the best friend and I wanna be the greatest Aunt and the most complicated
daughter. I wanna be the mystery in the room. I wanna be known. Embrace your Grace
You were, mom. You were everything.
Judy Elizabeth Spurlock Poole, June 25th 1952-September 23rd 2009. She was loved.
I'm coming home on Sunday to be with my family. Amazingly, Candice is visiting me this week - it was like the universe knew I absolutely could not be alone this week. I was going to make this big travel post about how I went out of town for my birthday and went paragliding and my best friend is here and we're having so much fun. I was going to post pictures for my mom, because she loved to read my blog. She loved to tell people she was proud of me, that I was living in Japan. I loved to tell people that I was proud to be her daughter.
My mother was brilliant, funny, sweet, kind, and loyal. She drove me nuts sometimes because, well, she was my mother, but I would give anything in the whole world to see her again. To have her hug me, to have her say my name and tell me she loved me.
This post is very incoherent because I can't process it yet. I can't believe that it's true. I'll come home on Sunday, and then maybe it'll be real.
My mother loved the TV show Saving Grace, and there was this poem that was spoken on the previews for it. We both liked the poem, and she copied it out and sent it to me a while ago. I'm going to post it here, for her.
I wanna bust the world wide open the way you do when you’re filled with youth.
I wanna engage with people and lovers and fellow cops.
I wanna be physical and I also wanna ask the big questions.
I wanna taste the tastes and fix the problems.
I wanna run headlong into chaos and bad guys and darkness and pranks and fun and laugh,
laugh, laugh.
I wanna be the best friend and I wanna be the greatest Aunt and the most complicated
daughter. I wanna be the mystery in the room. I wanna be known. Embrace your Grace
You were, mom. You were everything.
Judy Elizabeth Spurlock Poole, June 25th 1952-September 23rd 2009. She was loved.