On traditions, ii
Okay, so I'm making new Christmas traditions. I've opened my head and my heart to embrace the Christmas joy that my partner's family celebrates. Thoughtful presents made or purchased, wrapped, mailed and ready to share ahead of schedule and under budget. Go team us!
I've faced up to the sore spot that the holidays were for me. Typical me, for years I told myself that the holidays don't matter, thinking I'd eventually believe it. So here I sit, open-hearted, celebrating the holidays, making the season a little brighter for my family, and I realize I'm stockpiling emotional ammunition and triple-checking the war-worthiness of my foxhole. I'm preparing for something terrible to happen. I mentally review what I would say or do if this or that awful thing happened, I very consciously think through my mood to figure out why I am so angry.
It's totally defensive. I am angry because I am scared. I'm not sure the holidays ever meant anything to me, really, but that's not the point, is it? They do now. I'm reaching for joy. I am vulnerable.
I'm preparing for something wonderful to happen.
.
I've faced up to the sore spot that the holidays were for me. Typical me, for years I told myself that the holidays don't matter, thinking I'd eventually believe it. So here I sit, open-hearted, celebrating the holidays, making the season a little brighter for my family, and I realize I'm stockpiling emotional ammunition and triple-checking the war-worthiness of my foxhole. I'm preparing for something terrible to happen. I mentally review what I would say or do if this or that awful thing happened, I very consciously think through my mood to figure out why I am so angry.
It's totally defensive. I am angry because I am scared. I'm not sure the holidays ever meant anything to me, really, but that's not the point, is it? They do now. I'm reaching for joy. I am vulnerable.
I'm preparing for something wonderful to happen.
.