(no subject)
I haven't been feeling like myself. It's hard to pinpoint when it started, except when I look back on my relationship with Sam. Because I guess by myself there's no reference point, but it's easier to trace that kind of thing when you're really affecting another person.
Here is how I see myself:
Happy
Optimistic
Goofy
Emotionally intelligent
Very understanding
Not unusually irritable
Smiling by default
Conversational
Open-hearted/minded
Here is how I'm acting:
Sullen
Withdrawn
Constantly irritable
On-edge
Emotionally volatile/unpredictable
Mean/condescending when upset
Quick to spiral
Inconsolable
Unsupportive
Self-centered
Self-consumed.
I hate this person. Up until now, my way of trying to deal with all of this was to separate it from myself, because it was so loathsome to think that this could just be who I am, and all that amazing happiness that I had in the beginning of my relationship with Sam was just this honeymooning naiive girl with nary a care in the world because everything in my life was easy.
Who knows why I changed into this monster of a person. I wish I knew. In my darkest moments I wish I could just blame it on what happened to my family this year, or learning about any number of dark family murmurs and troubles, or mental damage due to the lack of sleep I got for basically the entirety of my college career.
I thought I was just a happy person, and a generally pretty good one. But maybe I was just wrong. At any rate, it finally clicked to me that I can't solve this by trying to beat it up. By calling it shit and saying that it's this other evil person taking me over. No matter how much it feels like exactly that. I can't emphasize enough how I just feel not like myself at all. I have to say this or else I feel too ashamed to write about it, or even think it. But no, it's not someone else. I have to own this monster, because I have always believed that a person is hir actions, and in trying to separate my"self" from mine, I have been a hypocrite, and have probably made it harder for myself. I know I've made it harder for Sam.
So, believing myself to be, still, an emotionally intelligent person, I am seeking outside help. I should be back on Lithium and Adderall, to start, I think. Maybe a psychiatrist would have another opinion though, and I'm open to whatever ze has to offer.
I had a related realization yesterday. Something that I do all the time, which probably sounds strange, is that I often think in conversations. I have conversations in my head with people that I know, and it's how I sort out my thoughts, especially when I'm upset and need a moment by myself to work out what I want. Despite this, I have never really enjoyed the thought of one-on-one psychological therapy. I've been to a psychiatrist many times, and I toward the end I had some really bad moments with him (there were several times when he lost his cool and yelled at me, and being the 16-year-old shit that I was, I probably provoked it, but nonetheless it wasn't cool and my Mom never took me back). Anyway, when we were in the car yesterday, and I was quiet, Sam asked me what I was thinking. When I replied that I was having a conversation with a hypothetical psychiatrist in my head, I realized that, theoretically anyway, therapy seems kind-of perfect for me. And it's not that I haven't been open to the idea before now (except when I was a 16-year-old shit, of course), but it's always made me uncomfortable to think of, and I guess what I'm trying to say is just that I see that it shouldn't.
Anyway. I'm trying daily...more often than that, not to despair and hate myself, because that won't do anything. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be happy in this moment, because of some twisted half-formed idea of penitence that I know I shouldn't hold on to. Or that if I let it go, I will forget everything and laze into monstrosity forever. And the white-knuckled fear that I can't fix it and I will fuck up this relationship, or already have.
Here is how I see myself:
Happy
Optimistic
Goofy
Emotionally intelligent
Very understanding
Not unusually irritable
Smiling by default
Conversational
Open-hearted/minded
Here is how I'm acting:
Sullen
Withdrawn
Constantly irritable
On-edge
Emotionally volatile/unpredictable
Mean/condescending when upset
Quick to spiral
Inconsolable
Unsupportive
Self-centered
Self-consumed.
I hate this person. Up until now, my way of trying to deal with all of this was to separate it from myself, because it was so loathsome to think that this could just be who I am, and all that amazing happiness that I had in the beginning of my relationship with Sam was just this honeymooning naiive girl with nary a care in the world because everything in my life was easy.
Who knows why I changed into this monster of a person. I wish I knew. In my darkest moments I wish I could just blame it on what happened to my family this year, or learning about any number of dark family murmurs and troubles, or mental damage due to the lack of sleep I got for basically the entirety of my college career.
I thought I was just a happy person, and a generally pretty good one. But maybe I was just wrong. At any rate, it finally clicked to me that I can't solve this by trying to beat it up. By calling it shit and saying that it's this other evil person taking me over. No matter how much it feels like exactly that. I can't emphasize enough how I just feel not like myself at all. I have to say this or else I feel too ashamed to write about it, or even think it. But no, it's not someone else. I have to own this monster, because I have always believed that a person is hir actions, and in trying to separate my"self" from mine, I have been a hypocrite, and have probably made it harder for myself. I know I've made it harder for Sam.
So, believing myself to be, still, an emotionally intelligent person, I am seeking outside help. I should be back on Lithium and Adderall, to start, I think. Maybe a psychiatrist would have another opinion though, and I'm open to whatever ze has to offer.
I had a related realization yesterday. Something that I do all the time, which probably sounds strange, is that I often think in conversations. I have conversations in my head with people that I know, and it's how I sort out my thoughts, especially when I'm upset and need a moment by myself to work out what I want. Despite this, I have never really enjoyed the thought of one-on-one psychological therapy. I've been to a psychiatrist many times, and I toward the end I had some really bad moments with him (there were several times when he lost his cool and yelled at me, and being the 16-year-old shit that I was, I probably provoked it, but nonetheless it wasn't cool and my Mom never took me back). Anyway, when we were in the car yesterday, and I was quiet, Sam asked me what I was thinking. When I replied that I was having a conversation with a hypothetical psychiatrist in my head, I realized that, theoretically anyway, therapy seems kind-of perfect for me. And it's not that I haven't been open to the idea before now (except when I was a 16-year-old shit, of course), but it's always made me uncomfortable to think of, and I guess what I'm trying to say is just that I see that it shouldn't.
Anyway. I'm trying daily...more often than that, not to despair and hate myself, because that won't do anything. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be happy in this moment, because of some twisted half-formed idea of penitence that I know I shouldn't hold on to. Or that if I let it go, I will forget everything and laze into monstrosity forever. And the white-knuckled fear that I can't fix it and I will fuck up this relationship, or already have.