Up, Up, and Let Me the F Down!
When I was 9, my friend Siobhan wanted to ride The Squirrel Cage ride at Portland's amusement park, Oaks Park. Essentially, there were several cages on a track and as the cages rotated around this track, the two riders within each cage could choose to flip the cage over and over again.
I decided that I could at least get on the ride with Siobhan even if the idea of rotating upside down scared the shit out of me. I was being a baby anyway, right? So, I got on. As the cages started whirling around the track, I was cool... until Siobhan decided to rotate the damn thing. I pleaded with her to stop and when she insisted, I screamed bloody murder until they stopped the ride and let me off. I was so ashamed by my fear of not being firmly planted on the ground upside right that I ran and hid. Of course, Siobhan, Siobhan's sister, and her mom eventually found me and reassured me that I wasn't some chicken. But, inside, I knew that I was.
I didn't even do cartwheels or handstands as a kid because I was afraid of being upside down. I didn't climb trees or fences or go across monkey bars because I am afraid of falling. And I am especially afraid of the consequences from falling. I hate pain. I avoid pain at all costs.
It is hard for me to put myself in real situations in which my feet may not touch the ground, or in situations so surreal that I'll feel as if I am upside down... with a real chance of falling. So, instead, I create illusions, prepare for the worst case scenario, and hide myself. I value openness, but I hide myself and create environments where my partner doesn't feel free to express himself. In the process, I cling to the ground with my beliefs of "the potential" and damage myself and the people that I love.
I recognize that I could have something real with someone who really cares. I am terrified that if I stay on this ride that he'll rock me upside down and do things that threaten my happiness. If I continue to have partners like Siobhan, people who can't recognize/don't care that I'm scared, I will continue to scream until I am off of the ride. But if I am with someone who isn't going to rattle my cage until I am ready for it, do I really need to be that scared?
It has been a week and it is new. There are loads of 26-year-old behaviors that I am trying to break, but sometimes, I might lapse and exhibit them. Jealousy is one of them. I'm already in fight-or-flight, up in the middle of the night, nervous and anxious that I will get hurt. Just because I'm trying to change my perception and behavior doesn't mean that my feelings will come right along. My brain sees my feet leaving the ground and it says, "pain! Drop here!".
If I keep trying to change the language of my inner dialogue, then I will be less afraid of getting hurt from letting myself go and trusting someone else as I start forming a belief. But, here are 26 years of history that I have to battle. I'll keep reminding myself that all of my history cannot tell my future, but I can't just override those feelings. Unfortunately, you might not be able to enjoy the whole ride until I'm ready to let go of myself enough to let you rotate that cage.
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