(no subject)
so here i am again. soaking rags with snot and trying to cry quietly enough that no on will hear and ask 'why are you crying'. so i will not have to struggle with an answer about rollercoasters and having really good then really bad then really good then really bad things all crammed into day after day after day. so i will not have to talk about loving and missing and hoping and dreading and growing and dying and forgiving and being strong and falling apart all at the same time.
on tuesday morning i will drive away from this town, i will continue to drive until i stop at the doorstep of the house of a beautiful woman who will open the door and we will be delighted and hug and even if the next thing i do is start crying, i think she will be okay with that. and i will know that it is okay to kiss her because her parter is great and that's part of what i will be there for anyway. after driving away from the house of that woman, i will alight on the doorstep of another dear friend who will also hug me and will be okay if i start to cry. i will probabaly not kiss him because he mostly kisses boys and we have slept in the same bed enough times without that happening that i am sure that it won't happen. even though it also wouldn't matter. after that i will continue on to a town where i will hopefull find a place to abide so that soon i will be able to drive away from this town and not come back.
i am sorry for being a wreck. i am sorry for being a bad person when i don't even know that i am being a bad person. i am sorry for not asking the right questions. i am sorry for hurting people that i didn't know i was hurting. i am sorry for failing at the wrong kind of social interactions and letting that scare me away from the right kind. i am sorry for pretending that everyting is okay when it really really is not. i'm sorry.
on tuesday morning i will drive away from this town, i will continue to drive until i stop at the doorstep of the house of a beautiful woman who will open the door and we will be delighted and hug and even if the next thing i do is start crying, i think she will be okay with that. and i will know that it is okay to kiss her because her parter is great and that's part of what i will be there for anyway. after driving away from the house of that woman, i will alight on the doorstep of another dear friend who will also hug me and will be okay if i start to cry. i will probabaly not kiss him because he mostly kisses boys and we have slept in the same bed enough times without that happening that i am sure that it won't happen. even though it also wouldn't matter. after that i will continue on to a town where i will hopefull find a place to abide so that soon i will be able to drive away from this town and not come back.
i am sorry for being a wreck. i am sorry for being a bad person when i don't even know that i am being a bad person. i am sorry for not asking the right questions. i am sorry for hurting people that i didn't know i was hurting. i am sorry for failing at the wrong kind of social interactions and letting that scare me away from the right kind. i am sorry for pretending that everyting is okay when it really really is not. i'm sorry.