i wanna rule the world - or MY world, at least
I don't know what's wrong with me. My stomach has been gurggley all day. I think I had diarreah last night or this morning. Last night, i think...
I feel unsettled. As in the moments before a storm, before I flee. I need to go somewhere, make a change. I don't feel satisfied with where i'm at, what i'm doing - or even with what i'm planning on doing. The whole dietician thing sparked my interest and gave me hope that there was something out there for me to do... but that adrenaline is dying down.
I realized that I am best working on projects where I get them started and get the initial energy pumped into them - the plan, then leave to start the new thing and let someone else do the daily grunt work. My stamina and my motivation last very little time - about a week, two TOPS - even with an idea that I like. At first I was like "crap, that sucks. I'm always going to be a project-deserter." But then i realized that I could be an asset to some company, some idea, somewhere, that needs a project starter.
I realized that that aspect of my personality is very valuable. Not to get down on myself about it. And, i mean, i CAN do follow-up and what not. It just doesn't get me doing like a new project, finding and fixing problems, toiling and working out quirks, and then setting it free to do what it was designed to do...
maybe i should have been an engineer.
Either way, I am feeling a little stuck. Like i never should have given up that Seattle opportunity. Like there is somewhere in the world that i need to be, and i'm always going to have a pull to be there. Like my relationship with david is holding me back. And i hate feeling that way, but he just doesn't understand, and it's not something I can explain. He's not passionate about ANYthing. and i'm a pretty laid-back person, and i don't really consider myself to be "passionate," but the more I'm with him, the more i feel myself slipping away. Like I was just finding my passions and now he just wants me to settle.
I was having these intense thoughts the other nght, and I thought about ending it, and all the guilt that would come with it, and the wasted years, etc, but then an image came to my mind: it was of him at a new job, and of me travelling the world and i just thought "he'd be okay." I think a lot of my reservation has been in causing the dissapointment and the hurt and confusion, but in so many ways it's so clear, even though i've been suppressing it. I just always thought he wouldn't be able to deal with it if i left, if we broke up. but i think he can. he's a strong, smart man, and i think he'd be able to find a good woman.
I knew that when i took myself out of the running for the SeaMar position, that I was testing myself. It was kind of a self-imposed punishment, an alms, for what happened in Nicaragua. I knew that david needed a sign that i would be loyal to him after I created that doubt, and I thought he deserved it, butI am failing that test, and how can i think these things - about breaking up, about feeling trapped, about not wanting to do it anymore, to just find an overseas program and not say anything and leave - without giving some actual thought and weight to it?? I mean. I can't live the rest of my LIFE like this. It'd be a lie. I tried to be satisfied with giving up and settling down, adn it's just not happening. That's just not who i am. I wish he understood, I do so badly.
I just feel like every time we talk lately, i don't even care anymore. Nothing that we do or say seems significant to me. It's all a little show - we're just supporting each other in a play. I get it now - supporting actors, supporting characters. It's like, if i'm not playing my part, he can't play his, and vice versa. We need to keep each other trapped in this act for it to go on. But i don't like the parts we're playing. I dont' want to work for santa maria. I don't want to pretend to care. I wanted to see a baby born - HELP a baby to be born, hold it in my arms. I can't ever be happy if i have to abandon myself, and I don't understand how someone can think he loves me when that's exactly what he's asking me to do.
The sad part is, he probably did find someone just like his mom - and i'm probably going to leave him like she did, too. And that pains me just thinking about it. But i can't imagine going on for years and years and years like this. Isn't it better to cut your loses after 3 and try to do better next time? There are plenty of eligible bachlorettes out there for him.
I'm so torn. Even as i'm typing this. I CAN believe that I am, but I know i'm too afraid to do anything about it just yet. And I don't trust my own feelings and fears. What if i'm just afraid again? what if this IS real? But he's someone that needs to be convinced of everything... and I'm not a convincer. I want someone who is on the same page, not someone i need to cajole and persuade to see my point of view, to love life like i love it. It's like he completely changed after we started dating and just expected me to change with him. Maybe i've just changed in different ways.
I need to sleep. Just needed to get that out. I'm going to talk to bren about it.
ugh.
-aryn h