bad bad thoughts on my mind...
i've been starring at the screen for ten minutes... trying to think about what it is i want to say about this time in life. i don't mean on a deep, or philosophical level... LEVEL, it's one of those words that are the same backward and forward.
everyday is manual, and unhappy. i can't stop the paranoid thoughts, they've become constant, mostly harmless... But distracting, and more pronounced lately. i guess i have more things to be anxious about. I'm at that point in the "path of life" where my ideas are more than just ideas... theres no time for ideas, i need to make them realities or get rid of them completely. I feel unprepared... with my 9th grade education... i've trashed myself... i know it, i see it, i just can't manage to do anything about it, i'm lazy... and i don't want to care... i'm clinging on to whats left of my irresponsibil excuses and running with them. I know that once my dignity subsides, i'll be left with a less happier version of myself... full of regret like everyone else... as i get older i'll have less to cling to. The colors will dull more everyday, and -yes, i did mean that on a deep and philosophical level. I'm in love with someone who's too hopeless to be had by me. I'm nicer to him than i've been to anyone, i'm delicate and accepting, very giving, loving, always pick my battles wisely, never step out of line wouldn't dream of it, who could fucking ask for more???? i try harder at this then i've ever tried at anything and honestly it drains me. And yet... i know with as wonderful as i am... it would be easy for him to leave. I can't have that... he threatens me with that reality daily, his snide comments, with his lack of faith in me, his undeserved distrust... eventually i have to say or do something wrong and it will be the perfect out for him... all he needs is an excuse to be unhappy with me, and he'll be gone instantly... he'll be free. And where will i be? ONCE AGAIN, i'll be left with a less happier version of myself... full of regret like everyone else... as i get older i'll have less to cling to. The colors will dull more everyday, and -yes, i did mean that on a deep and philosophical level.... it's unavoidable. But i'll stay because i've sewn myself to my situation...
I remain,
jen
everyday is manual, and unhappy. i can't stop the paranoid thoughts, they've become constant, mostly harmless... But distracting, and more pronounced lately. i guess i have more things to be anxious about. I'm at that point in the "path of life" where my ideas are more than just ideas... theres no time for ideas, i need to make them realities or get rid of them completely. I feel unprepared... with my 9th grade education... i've trashed myself... i know it, i see it, i just can't manage to do anything about it, i'm lazy... and i don't want to care... i'm clinging on to whats left of my irresponsibil excuses and running with them. I know that once my dignity subsides, i'll be left with a less happier version of myself... full of regret like everyone else... as i get older i'll have less to cling to. The colors will dull more everyday, and -yes, i did mean that on a deep and philosophical level. I'm in love with someone who's too hopeless to be had by me. I'm nicer to him than i've been to anyone, i'm delicate and accepting, very giving, loving, always pick my battles wisely, never step out of line wouldn't dream of it, who could fucking ask for more???? i try harder at this then i've ever tried at anything and honestly it drains me. And yet... i know with as wonderful as i am... it would be easy for him to leave. I can't have that... he threatens me with that reality daily, his snide comments, with his lack of faith in me, his undeserved distrust... eventually i have to say or do something wrong and it will be the perfect out for him... all he needs is an excuse to be unhappy with me, and he'll be gone instantly... he'll be free. And where will i be? ONCE AGAIN, i'll be left with a less happier version of myself... full of regret like everyone else... as i get older i'll have less to cling to. The colors will dull more everyday, and -yes, i did mean that on a deep and philosophical level.... it's unavoidable. But i'll stay because i've sewn myself to my situation...
I remain,
jen