Huge chick-flick entry (My inner Dean has convulsions and thinks I'm possessed by some Sam-demon)
Behind the cut 'cause it's pretty long and it would invade your f-pages. LOL
I've been a bit cranky lately, dunno exactly why.
Maybe 'cause I haven't written a fuckin' anything since...I dunno, since too long.
And yeah, I guess that I'm cranky also 'cause I haven't exactly talked to anyone about stuff. You know, serious stuff, not just fandom and silly stuff. But I guess that's a part of the 'my friends are nowhere to be found' thing. I mean, I’ve been online for the whole fuckin’ holidays.
Gosh, when did I become such a girl? I mean, I'm used to be alone, it shouldn't be a problem to deal with the fact that I'm not talking with anyone.
Even if it bothers me, 'cause maybe people think the always-joking-and-thinking-about-silly-things Jen is not just a mask. Well, it is just a mask. 'cause, hey, I'm not stupid, I'm just like anybody else. Everyone has issues, everyone has problems, I just don't make a fuss of it 'cause I'm used to deal with it alone, which means bury everything inside.
And I hate that something like this bothers me, 'cause in the last two or three years I tried to give up a bit on that attitude, I tried to open up a bit, and now I can see why that's a huge mistake.
I'm not very good at talking about my feelings, but I tried, I scratched the surface, but apparently the only one I can always rely on is myself. And my family, obviously. That’s why I love them so much, ‘cause at the end of the day, they’re all I have.
I'm not angry or anything, I'm just disappointed once again. And yeah, I'm so not giving up my wall for anyone again. Like, ever.
I don't want to be the whiny little chick who claims others' attention, 'cause hell, I hate it.
Actually that's what bothers me the most. I hate when people think they know me, they know my issues with people, they know how I feel. I hate when they think they can be the ones who make me change, I fuckin’ hate when they think they can fix me.
I don't want to be fixed, I don't want to open up to love or any other shit. Period.
I guess this is the part where I tell my sad story, which isn’t exactly tragic, ‘cause there’s people who really really had a miserable childhood and I’m not one of them, luckily.
I was in a private Catholic elementary school filled with faultless, snobby, rich children. Did I mention perfect? We’re not rich, and my parents did the impossible to get me in that school. I mean, I’m grateful ‘cause they tried to do the best they could, they thought I could fit in. Right now I could, back in those days? Not at all. I love them and it makes me sad thinking they did all those sacrifices to get me in that school and I actually hated that school.
I grew up with all my classmates teasing me 'cause I was really really shy and a bit over-weight for a child. And also ‘cause I started to develop equipments…you know, boobs and stuff…pretty early.
I had one single friend since I was five, 'til I was fifteen. And yeah, ten years of almost no friends can pretty much fuck you up inside.
But I love myself.
Apart from my family I'm the person I love the most in the world. And that's 'cause for ten years people tried to convince me that I was weak, that I was nothing, they tried to make me hate myself, maybe unconsciously, but they did it.
Well, they had the opposite result, 'cause I'm one hell of an egocentric and self-loving person. I know I'm smart, I know I'm not perfect, but I love every single detail of me. From the love handles (which my last kind-of-boyfriend/friend-with-benefits thought were hot LOL weird people I meet LOL), to the tip of my fingers, from my hair to the color of my eyes. It's what I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But my point in all this life-story telling is I don't want to be fuckin' fixed. I don't need to be.
I learned to build a wall around me, I learned to not give a fuck about what people think, I learned to love myself and what I can do. And what I can do is writing.
It’s that simple: I am what I write. If you don’t read me, you’ll never get to say you know me. And if you say it without reading me, well I’ll call you dirty liar.
Someone might find it silly, or they might consider writing as a hobby. But it’s not for me.
I might write about Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, John Winchester or the Clownana, but the truth is I’m writing about myself. ‘Cause I put my feelings in what I write. I put my hopes and thoughts, I put my words in someone’s mouth. Feelings I’ll never talk about, hopes and thoughts I’ll never confess, words I’ll never say. ‘Cause there’s this wall around me, and the only way out is this.
Someone might not approve this, but hey, I don’t give a fuckin’ fuck about people’s opinion. Not anymore.
Someone might think I’m obsessed by fandoms, actors and stuff, and might think I’m a superficial person who doesn’t acknowledge, or doesn’t want to see the real world.
Well if you think that about me, you’d better start walking away, ‘cause you don’t know a fuckin’ thing about me.
I know the world, I know it sucks, I know you can never trust anyone completely without getting burned.
Just stop and think that maybe this is my way to deal with it. That this is my way to show my feelings and to give my creativity a chance.
With the time I put the shyness behind me and I can say I’m quite of an outgoing person. I mean, I don’t like to go clubbing and stuff, ‘cause there’s too much noise and I’m a quiet person, but I go out and have a drink with my friends, I get drunk, I go to parties and stuff.
I’m not an hermit anymore. I don’t need the physical wall around me anymore like I did when I was a child, I have the psychological one.
But I still have limits. Lines I draw and I don’t want to cross
.
I might have friends now, but it's not like I forgot how people can be mean and cruel, even without wanting to be. That’s also why I try to be as fair as I can to people. I don’t like to tease ‘cause I know it can hurt, and it can hurt bad if someone’s not prepared to it.
And I repeat. I’m not giving up my wall ever again.
And yeah, I guess it's better this way, the not-talking-about-serious-stuff thing.
Usually serious stuff leads to chick-flick moments, and I think I could seriously chew someone's head off if they tried to start one of those moments.
And if they tried to be all nice and kind 'cause they want to make me feel less cranky.
There's just a bunch of people who could make me feel less cranky, and I think they're called 'family'.
So no, I’m not angry, I just thought that writing all this down might help to understand why I’m so reluctant to start relationships and stuff. I’m fine the way I am, messed up or not.
And I do love my friends. Maybe I’m not the most affectionate friend, but I’m always there if they need support, I hope they know it. I think they know it.
I repeat, I might not be the affectionate kind of friend, ‘cause physical contact kind of bothers me. A lot.
Not that I flinch and get away, but it’s not something I’m used to and it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. It makes me feel like something is expected from me.
Well, not always. I mean, while making out it doesn’t bother me. It’s the between-friends not-sexual kind of physical contact that makes me uncomfortable.
Btw, leaving the psychoanalysis to Freud, I’m not the affectionate kind of friend (and no, the solution is not making out with me), but that’s why I try to be the cheering and funny kind of friend.
Okay, after this totally girly and absolutely huge chick-flick entry (my inner Dean is having convulsions LOL), I’ll go back to my tesi.
Oh, about that, I admit that I also might be cranky 'cause studying Adolf Hitler's life isn't exactly something I would define as fun. I mean, THE monster. *is disgusted*
See ya’ later.
Oh, and don’t even think about getting me to talk about anything written in this entry. *prepares shotgun to rock salt anyone who tries* You understand me? Did I make myself clear?
Time to build back the wall.
*waves*
JM
ps: yeah I really went to Catholic private school… I know, shocking. LOL Why? Special Hell, anyone? (and yeah, I’m kinda bi. Dunno what it has to do with the school, but hey, who knows, maybe they’re related. LOL)