5443: Tell Me How To Live
I was gonna say I'll try to use LJ a bit more, but though it's an ideal "longform" dumping ground vs. my placebo social medium (I only have the one truly "junk" account vs. the accidentally junk accounts), even deliberately subjecting the handful of LJ devotees to my narcissistic(?) self-indulgences doesn't really do me any good. As much as I try to avoid doing what I did, I apparently need the occasional kick in the head to remind me what not to become.
I keep going on about this in my head because it's my nature to overanalyze and obsess, particularly when I've failed at something I've failed to foresee--or, worse, something I *did* foresee yet went ahead and did the thing, knowing full well about my imminent doom. [I'd elaborate, but at least with the more recent instances, yuck, I think I'll spare y'all the details...]
What gets me the most about this recent incident is it's dawning on me that I've become That In-Law (or, soon to be, or whatever). I get along with the family, but in that sort of, if anything's wrong, no one's said anything to me about it kind of way. I don't really help out, because that doesn't seem a "guest" thing to do, no one's asked, we live too far away to be at the house in a pinch when C's brother and his wife (the first "next generation" couple) live literally a mile away... and when I did help, it was minimal or not really help at all. There have been things I've asked for and, in retrospect, possibly not been grateful enough for getting them (though I do thank them for meals when they host). I have a difficult time talking with anyone about pretty much anything other than Harry Potter. Sometimes my brain just takes a holiday and I do something thoughtless for really no good reason. The list goes on.
That may be the standard "comparing one's lowest points to others' highlight reels" thing, but while I feel like I may have "seniority" in the family tacking-ons, I sure haven't acted like it. To be fair, I've basically been allowed to be a big kid for pretty much EVER (like C helps, haha... nah, he's responsible enough), so a lot of things I "should" have had grown-upped out of me haven't quite gone away. Maybe that's true of everyone, and I'm just being hard on myself, but given the evidence, I feel like maybe I've gotten too complacent and let myself slip.
Then again, per an article my brother shared once about tiger moms, being super-strict is a great way to foster hurt feelings and resentment when that bar is just too high. I've both been subjected to and have subjected myself to bars that were maybe just out of reach, and it's super easy to just lapse into a "fuck it all, I'll care later" state that lasts... 30+ years =p
I just don't know why I end up setting off bombs the way I do. At least, with one particularly inexplicable exception, they've all been completely different bombs... I'm too paranoid to ever let myself lower my guard in the same known hole in my defenses.
I keep going on about this in my head because it's my nature to overanalyze and obsess, particularly when I've failed at something I've failed to foresee--or, worse, something I *did* foresee yet went ahead and did the thing, knowing full well about my imminent doom. [I'd elaborate, but at least with the more recent instances, yuck, I think I'll spare y'all the details...]
What gets me the most about this recent incident is it's dawning on me that I've become That In-Law (or, soon to be, or whatever). I get along with the family, but in that sort of, if anything's wrong, no one's said anything to me about it kind of way. I don't really help out, because that doesn't seem a "guest" thing to do, no one's asked, we live too far away to be at the house in a pinch when C's brother and his wife (the first "next generation" couple) live literally a mile away... and when I did help, it was minimal or not really help at all. There have been things I've asked for and, in retrospect, possibly not been grateful enough for getting them (though I do thank them for meals when they host). I have a difficult time talking with anyone about pretty much anything other than Harry Potter. Sometimes my brain just takes a holiday and I do something thoughtless for really no good reason. The list goes on.
That may be the standard "comparing one's lowest points to others' highlight reels" thing, but while I feel like I may have "seniority" in the family tacking-ons, I sure haven't acted like it. To be fair, I've basically been allowed to be a big kid for pretty much EVER (like C helps, haha... nah, he's responsible enough), so a lot of things I "should" have had grown-upped out of me haven't quite gone away. Maybe that's true of everyone, and I'm just being hard on myself, but given the evidence, I feel like maybe I've gotten too complacent and let myself slip.
Then again, per an article my brother shared once about tiger moms, being super-strict is a great way to foster hurt feelings and resentment when that bar is just too high. I've both been subjected to and have subjected myself to bars that were maybe just out of reach, and it's super easy to just lapse into a "fuck it all, I'll care later" state that lasts... 30+ years =p
I just don't know why I end up setting off bombs the way I do. At least, with one particularly inexplicable exception, they've all been completely different bombs... I'm too paranoid to ever let myself lower my guard in the same known hole in my defenses.