4697: Everything Your Heart Desires
Okay, lemme write something while I have my train of thought going where I thought it was going before I got all Internet-searchy =p [also hey, it's been a while again]
The "in the style of" Bill Watterson piece going around is pretty cool--and I do recognize the inherent irony of nicking someone else's style to create a comic about finding your own path to fulfillment [maybe the Neil Gaiman piece is better for you, then]. On the same site, the Ira Glass piece emphasizes even more what I know but still struggle to achieve.
It's frustrating to have MORE time but get LESS done because I lack the desperate structure of, "I only have X hours to do Y today, better get on it." Nope--the mistake I made by signing up for Steam sealed my fate, and I basically play games what times I can't force myself to exercise to stay awake instead, as being the littlest bit tired [especially in the eyes] is like this insurmountable drawing hurdle. At least I can budget: I want DuckTales HD, but it's well past my birthday, and I already got a Steam card this month so I have to wait [getting PayPal to work was a pain--and a trap, in either event].
So I know in my heart that I have not "made it" yet because 1. I lack the discipline required of "making it" [NO ONE ever succeeded by being LAZY] and 2. I've been given no incentive to "make it"--that I'm being subsidized* by my parents means even my job search is half-hearted/torn between getting a sure but artistically unproductive day job and trying to find ways to forge my own way. Of course, the forging-my-own-way thing is a problem because a. I see myself five years down the road on that forged way, having to deal with FANS**, and it kinda scares me, and b. I'm super afraid of doing something wrong in the course of running my own business and getting the SHIT audited out of me... that, and all the initial spending I have to do [hire a lawyer/accountant to go over details, etc., which is even before doing any ACTUAL work].
*I can't really blame them for doing it, though--it makes financial sense to give money tax-free than to just lose it in inheritance taxes and etc., besides just being a nice thing to do which I would totally do for my kid(s) [as unlikely as that will ever happen--more likely I'll pass the savings on to other struggling artists].
**Yes, even though the fans I've actually met have been 99.9% cool and totally not creepy, it's that negligible fraction of a percent that has me on edge... I keep citing the one who wanted to pay my way to SDCC--without ever having met or even spoken to me over the phone--including sharing a room but not to worry as he's a complete gentleman... Admittedly, the other creepers just kind of rubbed off on me the wrong way and I'm statistically unlikely to die from being idolized, but a lot of it is like being asked if I want to hold the baby, where the only thing going through my mind is, "What if I drop it?" =p [although it's more, "What if I drop it, and it turns into a rabid wolverine and bites the shit out of me because it's a grown-ass person instead of a tiny, harmless baby?"]
[[Before we get into the male-privileged-POV dismissal of "What the hell are you even worrying about??"--I worry about what I damn well wanna worry about, ESPECIALLY as a woman.]]
[[[who is regularly called a twelve-year-old]]]
Um. As a pseudo-counterpoint to the original thing, #6 [or, rather, its alternative] on this list is more relevant: "Your heart gets a vote, but your brain gets veto power." I want to do what I want SO MUCH... but not so much that I want to risk being homeless. Yes, I have financial paranoia built in, and I can theoretically get by the rest of the year quite easily on what I made in just the first six months, but I realize that time slips by much more quickly than I realize, and if I'm not diligent in my efforts, this relatively breezy [for being unemployed] point in my life will quickly turn into clinging desperately to the handouts of loved ones [who would be even more quickly deciding I'm not really that loved]... ANYWAY paranoia is a good buffer, but I still need to act with according responsibility.
[fwiw I plan to have to get a seasonal job for survival if nothing turns up by October]
But this basically means I'm still trapped between "I need to focus on getting a day job again" and "This day job thing is NOT working out, I need to take measures into my own hands"--the wishy-washy perpetual pendulum of indecision I've been riding my entire career-oriented life. At any given moment, I can do so many things that I can't decide between any of them, so I tend to end up doing whatever is quickest to finish, 'cause hell if I don't get satisfaction from managing to finish ANYTHING with my crippling indecision =p If I ever have kids, this is what they're gonna learn from me: Pick something to do, and DO THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
Speaking of: I also had this plan I believe I declared, whereupon if I didn't have kids by X birthday [because I am statistically less likely to have healthy ones now], I would share what were the names we had picked--since it's apparently a Thing where people steal other people's baby names when the way to prevent that is just to keep them secret until the baby actually arrives.
Anyway, that came and went, and things happened, and it basically got ignored. No, not forgotten--I had a secondary thing that would've gone with that, sort of placebo-ish in nature, involving realistic dolls that look like maybe this is what my kids would've looked like if I had them. Turns out those are hard to come by [or, I'm not good at finding them somehow], unless I get an American Girl version [which is somewhat lacking], so that's kinda on hold. Maybe I'll share when I find what I want, and if I have the HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS what I want [to have collect dust in a corner like what real babies don't do] would cost.
Then again, I had a tertiary thing where what I declared would then be null and void, so as... "flowery" as the chosen names are [brother Dan would prolly call them "pretentious"], if I still somehow end up saddled with a kid or two, I/we'd still go with other names.
I dunno... keeps it interesting not laying out all my cards like that. Learned that a little late for some things, but what can I say.
I am actually somewhat "ahead" on comic progress, though, despite my laziness--if you count "progress to date" vs. "progress vs. intentions." Imagine, I figured I would've gotten a hold on this by now and used the extra time to catch up, maybe even have TWO updates a month! Ugh, Steam was the worst mistake =p but hell, easier than lugging out my 360, I guess, and with a better set of options when I *do* want to play.
The "in the style of" Bill Watterson piece going around is pretty cool--and I do recognize the inherent irony of nicking someone else's style to create a comic about finding your own path to fulfillment [maybe the Neil Gaiman piece is better for you, then]. On the same site, the Ira Glass piece emphasizes even more what I know but still struggle to achieve.
It's frustrating to have MORE time but get LESS done because I lack the desperate structure of, "I only have X hours to do Y today, better get on it." Nope--the mistake I made by signing up for Steam sealed my fate, and I basically play games what times I can't force myself to exercise to stay awake instead, as being the littlest bit tired [especially in the eyes] is like this insurmountable drawing hurdle. At least I can budget: I want DuckTales HD, but it's well past my birthday, and I already got a Steam card this month so I have to wait [getting PayPal to work was a pain--and a trap, in either event].
So I know in my heart that I have not "made it" yet because 1. I lack the discipline required of "making it" [NO ONE ever succeeded by being LAZY] and 2. I've been given no incentive to "make it"--that I'm being subsidized* by my parents means even my job search is half-hearted/torn between getting a sure but artistically unproductive day job and trying to find ways to forge my own way. Of course, the forging-my-own-way thing is a problem because a. I see myself five years down the road on that forged way, having to deal with FANS**, and it kinda scares me, and b. I'm super afraid of doing something wrong in the course of running my own business and getting the SHIT audited out of me... that, and all the initial spending I have to do [hire a lawyer/accountant to go over details, etc., which is even before doing any ACTUAL work].
*I can't really blame them for doing it, though--it makes financial sense to give money tax-free than to just lose it in inheritance taxes and etc., besides just being a nice thing to do which I would totally do for my kid(s) [as unlikely as that will ever happen--more likely I'll pass the savings on to other struggling artists].
**Yes, even though the fans I've actually met have been 99.9% cool and totally not creepy, it's that negligible fraction of a percent that has me on edge... I keep citing the one who wanted to pay my way to SDCC--without ever having met or even spoken to me over the phone--including sharing a room but not to worry as he's a complete gentleman... Admittedly, the other creepers just kind of rubbed off on me the wrong way and I'm statistically unlikely to die from being idolized, but a lot of it is like being asked if I want to hold the baby, where the only thing going through my mind is, "What if I drop it?" =p [although it's more, "What if I drop it, and it turns into a rabid wolverine and bites the shit out of me because it's a grown-ass person instead of a tiny, harmless baby?"]
[[Before we get into the male-privileged-POV dismissal of "What the hell are you even worrying about??"--I worry about what I damn well wanna worry about, ESPECIALLY as a woman.]]
[[[who is regularly called a twelve-year-old]]]
Um. As a pseudo-counterpoint to the original thing, #6 [or, rather, its alternative] on this list is more relevant: "Your heart gets a vote, but your brain gets veto power." I want to do what I want SO MUCH... but not so much that I want to risk being homeless. Yes, I have financial paranoia built in, and I can theoretically get by the rest of the year quite easily on what I made in just the first six months, but I realize that time slips by much more quickly than I realize, and if I'm not diligent in my efforts, this relatively breezy [for being unemployed] point in my life will quickly turn into clinging desperately to the handouts of loved ones [who would be even more quickly deciding I'm not really that loved]... ANYWAY paranoia is a good buffer, but I still need to act with according responsibility.
[fwiw I plan to have to get a seasonal job for survival if nothing turns up by October]
But this basically means I'm still trapped between "I need to focus on getting a day job again" and "This day job thing is NOT working out, I need to take measures into my own hands"--the wishy-washy perpetual pendulum of indecision I've been riding my entire career-oriented life. At any given moment, I can do so many things that I can't decide between any of them, so I tend to end up doing whatever is quickest to finish, 'cause hell if I don't get satisfaction from managing to finish ANYTHING with my crippling indecision =p If I ever have kids, this is what they're gonna learn from me: Pick something to do, and DO THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
Speaking of: I also had this plan I believe I declared, whereupon if I didn't have kids by X birthday [because I am statistically less likely to have healthy ones now], I would share what were the names we had picked--since it's apparently a Thing where people steal other people's baby names when the way to prevent that is just to keep them secret until the baby actually arrives.
Anyway, that came and went, and things happened, and it basically got ignored. No, not forgotten--I had a secondary thing that would've gone with that, sort of placebo-ish in nature, involving realistic dolls that look like maybe this is what my kids would've looked like if I had them. Turns out those are hard to come by [or, I'm not good at finding them somehow], unless I get an American Girl version [which is somewhat lacking], so that's kinda on hold. Maybe I'll share when I find what I want, and if I have the HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS what I want [to have collect dust in a corner like what real babies don't do] would cost.
Then again, I had a tertiary thing where what I declared would then be null and void, so as... "flowery" as the chosen names are [brother Dan would prolly call them "pretentious"], if I still somehow end up saddled with a kid or two, I/we'd still go with other names.
I dunno... keeps it interesting not laying out all my cards like that. Learned that a little late for some things, but what can I say.
I am actually somewhat "ahead" on comic progress, though, despite my laziness--if you count "progress to date" vs. "progress vs. intentions." Imagine, I figured I would've gotten a hold on this by now and used the extra time to catch up, maybe even have TWO updates a month! Ugh, Steam was the worst mistake =p but hell, easier than lugging out my 360, I guess, and with a better set of options when I *do* want to play.