4512: Arena
Just when I was thinking about writing a thing, I noticed I'd [sort of] already started it =p
---
As with--I'm sure--most artists of all calibers, I have a love-hate relationship with art. I love when a piece I've spent a long time working on turns out even 90% of the way I envisioned it.
I hate how long it takes.
This isn't revolutionary by any measure of the word, but in particular I realize I have ups and downs in artistic productivity because I alternate between being dedicated to FINALLY finishing X arty thing and being INCREDIBLY DISCOURAGED by the cost-to-reward ratio [high-to-low, respectively], my peaks being when making myself happy through achievement is the only goal and my lows being when the process is so misery-inducing that no reward feels worth it.
My recent lows came from the illness I'd had pretty much from Thanksgiving to mid-January[!!!] and a latent bit of cold sore plaguing my face, but also from coming off the high of having done a 420-day stretch of daily art updates, which ended in largest part due to finding a diminishing returns of completed ideas to time investment. I felt at my highest when getting to draw pictures out of context I'd otherwise never get to do, and I felt at my lowest when, of the ideas I hadn't yet done but could finish to my satisfaction in a single day or so, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel and not looking forward to drawing.
Furthermore, I just felt like my life was finally turning around to where doing art to that intensity [for me] was becoming more of an obligation than a means of fulfilling a dream--it wasn't just filling otherwise empty time anymore. At the moment, I'm really getting into costuming and the physical rewards they provide [among other things, reasons to get into shape], and drawing anything other than patterns for costumes feels a lot more like sitting in an isolated box. At least Internetting provides a semblance of connection to other people--drawing is entirely the output of my own brain.
tl;dr: Drawing has always been an isolating sort of thing for me, excepting when someone's watching me over my shoulder [and that feels weird] or when Livestreaming [but stopping to chat--even just to read--is a distraction more than an inclusion]. It feels lonely in particular because I'm rooted to one specific place to do it [digitally. mostly--physical media is still haphazard for me]. Combine that with the volume of work I need to do to get even a partially finished product, and that gives me the cabiniest fever.
I get the Dean Dodrill method, that shutting oneself away for three years with extreme dedication can lead to "Yay, I made an awesome game by myself" [I think I'll never shut up about this, because it's so AWESOME], but I don't have that. I can't focus, because I've learned to do so many different things--ALL of which I want to do--and there's nothing to narrow down, "Okay, I need to give up my dream of hand-animating a feature-length film by myself so I can dedicate myself to finishing this daily comic," because EVERYTHING has equal potential/suckage. I still want to make a p&c game [stuck on the writing, mostly], and I still want to compose all the music for pretty much every project I have [even the comics]. At any given moment, I have about equal progress on/chance of finishing anything I pick up again, because I already finished the two projects most finishable.
What does this mean? I dunno. I have ideas to hire a background artist to speed things along [and I already have one in mind], but the two things holding that up are 1. legal tape [I want to do a proper contract and shiz], and 2. I have yet to actually see the raise I'm supposed to get that *might* pay for said artist. The latter is just a matter of time, the former is a matter of tracking down a lawyer [could be as easy as asking a friend, but still gotta do the legwork]. Even then, I still have to do the roughs, which goes back to that sitting-in-a-box feeling.
Dodrill could do it, and that's why he succeeded. I can't--I'm too health-conscious [and dependent on a regular day job] to do it for long. Also, I wanna play sometimes, and unfortunately I haven't made anything interactive in that respect.
That's what separates the successes from the not-quite-there, I know. I have this uncanny ability to get to 90%, it feels like, and the 95%-ers and up are just edging me out, because the amount it takes to get that extra few percent is this enormous hurdle I can't get over. I was doing it for a while, but that tended to involve getting by on a little less sleep every day, and that led to, I'm sure, my extended illness following YEARS of not being significantly sick =/
So... dunno. I feel like there are hurdles put in everyone's paths, and the ones that succeed were driven to succeed--by desperation, even. I haven't had such desperation [the closest being my desperation to prove I could draw every day, before it became too much fighting for seemingly no reason], so I haven't succeeded.
I can't say I'm too sad, though--the idea of fame just never appealed to me much, so I figure deep down I'm self-defeating to keep myself out of the limelight. I've seen what the Internet does to famous people. Even not-famous people, but people who just happen to try doing something, and for what reason they invoke the Wrath of the Trolls. I can't handle that--or, don't want to handle it, rather.
I will prolly keep at it [whatever "it" is] for the next six months or so and reassess where I am. [Conveniently, that's when my job reassessment comes up, and I'll have a better idea of whether my Plan B will work.] From there, who knows. All I know is I *will* keep trying... it's just what that will be is in the air.
---
ONE of my problems is I keep getting new ideas for things I want to try, and ALL of them still have about equal chance of getting finished. It seems I should start with whatever will give the most reward should I finish it, but that feels like the game idea [NOT happening]. What I could finish fastest tends to be "clean the house" 9_9 [and I HAVE been working on that, in the "put stuff away/throw out things that are just taking up space for comparably little reward" sense, but housework tends to be a thing that keeps coming back]
And, yes, I am technically STILL waiting on my raise, even though I finally got a check Friday ["WOO! I can pay my rent!!"], because when I went to deposit it, the ATM said, "Scanning discrepancy, cannot deposit check" |=C
IRONICALLY, ONE OF THE COMPANY BENEFITS IS MEMBERSHIP TO MY CREDIT UNION, WHAT
...
so, things
---
As with--I'm sure--most artists of all calibers, I have a love-hate relationship with art. I love when a piece I've spent a long time working on turns out even 90% of the way I envisioned it.
I hate how long it takes.
This isn't revolutionary by any measure of the word, but in particular I realize I have ups and downs in artistic productivity because I alternate between being dedicated to FINALLY finishing X arty thing and being INCREDIBLY DISCOURAGED by the cost-to-reward ratio [high-to-low, respectively], my peaks being when making myself happy through achievement is the only goal and my lows being when the process is so misery-inducing that no reward feels worth it.
My recent lows came from the illness I'd had pretty much from Thanksgiving to mid-January[!!!] and a latent bit of cold sore plaguing my face, but also from coming off the high of having done a 420-day stretch of daily art updates, which ended in largest part due to finding a diminishing returns of completed ideas to time investment. I felt at my highest when getting to draw pictures out of context I'd otherwise never get to do, and I felt at my lowest when, of the ideas I hadn't yet done but could finish to my satisfaction in a single day or so, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel and not looking forward to drawing.
Furthermore, I just felt like my life was finally turning around to where doing art to that intensity [for me] was becoming more of an obligation than a means of fulfilling a dream--it wasn't just filling otherwise empty time anymore. At the moment, I'm really getting into costuming and the physical rewards they provide [among other things, reasons to get into shape], and drawing anything other than patterns for costumes feels a lot more like sitting in an isolated box. At least Internetting provides a semblance of connection to other people--drawing is entirely the output of my own brain.
tl;dr: Drawing has always been an isolating sort of thing for me, excepting when someone's watching me over my shoulder [and that feels weird] or when Livestreaming [but stopping to chat--even just to read--is a distraction more than an inclusion]. It feels lonely in particular because I'm rooted to one specific place to do it [digitally. mostly--physical media is still haphazard for me]. Combine that with the volume of work I need to do to get even a partially finished product, and that gives me the cabiniest fever.
I get the Dean Dodrill method, that shutting oneself away for three years with extreme dedication can lead to "Yay, I made an awesome game by myself" [I think I'll never shut up about this, because it's so AWESOME], but I don't have that. I can't focus, because I've learned to do so many different things--ALL of which I want to do--and there's nothing to narrow down, "Okay, I need to give up my dream of hand-animating a feature-length film by myself so I can dedicate myself to finishing this daily comic," because EVERYTHING has equal potential/suckage. I still want to make a p&c game [stuck on the writing, mostly], and I still want to compose all the music for pretty much every project I have [even the comics]. At any given moment, I have about equal progress on/chance of finishing anything I pick up again, because I already finished the two projects most finishable.
What does this mean? I dunno. I have ideas to hire a background artist to speed things along [and I already have one in mind], but the two things holding that up are 1. legal tape [I want to do a proper contract and shiz], and 2. I have yet to actually see the raise I'm supposed to get that *might* pay for said artist. The latter is just a matter of time, the former is a matter of tracking down a lawyer [could be as easy as asking a friend, but still gotta do the legwork]. Even then, I still have to do the roughs, which goes back to that sitting-in-a-box feeling.
Dodrill could do it, and that's why he succeeded. I can't--I'm too health-conscious [and dependent on a regular day job] to do it for long. Also, I wanna play sometimes, and unfortunately I haven't made anything interactive in that respect.
That's what separates the successes from the not-quite-there, I know. I have this uncanny ability to get to 90%, it feels like, and the 95%-ers and up are just edging me out, because the amount it takes to get that extra few percent is this enormous hurdle I can't get over. I was doing it for a while, but that tended to involve getting by on a little less sleep every day, and that led to, I'm sure, my extended illness following YEARS of not being significantly sick =/
So... dunno. I feel like there are hurdles put in everyone's paths, and the ones that succeed were driven to succeed--by desperation, even. I haven't had such desperation [the closest being my desperation to prove I could draw every day, before it became too much fighting for seemingly no reason], so I haven't succeeded.
I can't say I'm too sad, though--the idea of fame just never appealed to me much, so I figure deep down I'm self-defeating to keep myself out of the limelight. I've seen what the Internet does to famous people. Even not-famous people, but people who just happen to try doing something, and for what reason they invoke the Wrath of the Trolls. I can't handle that--or, don't want to handle it, rather.
I will prolly keep at it [whatever "it" is] for the next six months or so and reassess where I am. [Conveniently, that's when my job reassessment comes up, and I'll have a better idea of whether my Plan B will work.] From there, who knows. All I know is I *will* keep trying... it's just what that will be is in the air.
---
ONE of my problems is I keep getting new ideas for things I want to try, and ALL of them still have about equal chance of getting finished. It seems I should start with whatever will give the most reward should I finish it, but that feels like the game idea [NOT happening]. What I could finish fastest tends to be "clean the house" 9_9 [and I HAVE been working on that, in the "put stuff away/throw out things that are just taking up space for comparably little reward" sense, but housework tends to be a thing that keeps coming back]
And, yes, I am technically STILL waiting on my raise, even though I finally got a check Friday ["WOO! I can pay my rent!!"], because when I went to deposit it, the ATM said, "Scanning discrepancy, cannot deposit check" |=C
IRONICALLY, ONE OF THE COMPANY BENEFITS IS MEMBERSHIP TO MY CREDIT UNION, WHAT
...
so, things