4423: Et Cetera, And So On
It's been a while, yeah. I guess compared to others, I'm still posting hella often, but definitely down from the "at least once a day" thing I used to do. Across all social media, maybe I'm still there, but because I put significantly less thought into RTing a link about sexism in the industry [ANY industry, really], Liking someone's cat photo, or sharing the latest Woot! shirt design.
Doesn't help that I got sick just before Thanksgiving, with the symptoms flaring up just as I was getting ready to leave PA [thought I was allergic to Starbucks Sumatra coffee--that was just the beginning].
I've had a number of personal deadlines over the course of the last few years, in particular, related most directly to fear of regrets, but the last one I plan to have for a while [because deadlines seem annoyingly arbitrary and inconvenient to meet, which is part of the reason for having them in the first place] is giving me problems 1. because I lost a significant amount of steam after being sick since Thanksgiving, 2. I am currently in a do-nothing funk I can't quite escape, and 3. I still can't get past the above-linked kind of behaviour enough to motivate myself to doing this thing, even if the threat of my being the target of such abuses is on the lower end of the spectrum because making a thing does not immediately = Instant Fame [or I'm doing it WAY wrong, if it does].
Yes, I'm still upset I'm not where I'm "supposed" to be at this stage in my life, but I'm also too afraid of actually GETTING there to actually try. I made a makeshift Dust costume and actually went out to get the parts to make it a proper costume, but--though MAGFest is the ideal place to wear it--I'm actually hesitant at the idea, only partly because I'm still more introverted than extroverted. I want to finish this secret project, but I also really don't feel like working on it, even though I've just checked the files [left dormant for well over a year], and they're pretty much ready to go with some minor tweaks.
What happens if I don't meet my deadline, though? Might be for the best--as I said, it IS arbitrary, and I could take my time with it instead and do a better job--but it would also mean another twenty-odd years of putting it off because I couldn't be arsed. The things that are most daunting about the project are things I should've been handling along the way--am I legally allowed to use XYZ font, or do I have to buy the license? [I get licensing specialty fonts, I'm just in the dark about ones like Times New Roman [and where to do it if I *am* supposed to buy the license [I did consult the Google, YES, the one I want has no info]]] I could easily finish tomorrow and not be 100% happy with the result but at least it would be off my plate... I just can't motivate myself to put in the extra effort.
It's weird when my biggest problem is both being "special" and "not special" in my mind... "Everyone's special," yes, but I also embrace my place as no one in particular on these days when the Trolls come out to fight the Big Bad Feminazis. Not that I'm not Down with the Cause--it just feels like so much more effort than is worth from my position, that I'd just be making myself angry and gaining no particular ground either way [it'd be different if I was actually working in "a position of power" and possessed some degree of palpable influence].
I guess it's weird coming to terms with society telling me I can do anything but then realizing I won't really do anything. Or, nothing big-ticket, anyway--everyone contributes in some way, even the people dying at Walmart =/ [as gruesome as it is, I contend this kind of stuff has to happen periodically to remind ourselves of our humanity, as much as I'm sure we'd all love otherwise]
I don't know what I was getting at here, other than I been feeling old and lazy. Maybe I should just throw away the rest of my tapes from the '80s, unwatched, vs. trying to capture them. Nothing like nostalgia to bring up old regrets =p
...though the one tape I *did* throw away unwatched [because it broke and I thought there was no recovering what was on it] has caused a lifetime of backpedalling as a result -_-
AH LIFE
Doesn't help that I got sick just before Thanksgiving, with the symptoms flaring up just as I was getting ready to leave PA [thought I was allergic to Starbucks Sumatra coffee--that was just the beginning].
I've had a number of personal deadlines over the course of the last few years, in particular, related most directly to fear of regrets, but the last one I plan to have for a while [because deadlines seem annoyingly arbitrary and inconvenient to meet, which is part of the reason for having them in the first place] is giving me problems 1. because I lost a significant amount of steam after being sick since Thanksgiving, 2. I am currently in a do-nothing funk I can't quite escape, and 3. I still can't get past the above-linked kind of behaviour enough to motivate myself to doing this thing, even if the threat of my being the target of such abuses is on the lower end of the spectrum because making a thing does not immediately = Instant Fame [or I'm doing it WAY wrong, if it does].
Yes, I'm still upset I'm not where I'm "supposed" to be at this stage in my life, but I'm also too afraid of actually GETTING there to actually try. I made a makeshift Dust costume and actually went out to get the parts to make it a proper costume, but--though MAGFest is the ideal place to wear it--I'm actually hesitant at the idea, only partly because I'm still more introverted than extroverted. I want to finish this secret project, but I also really don't feel like working on it, even though I've just checked the files [left dormant for well over a year], and they're pretty much ready to go with some minor tweaks.
What happens if I don't meet my deadline, though? Might be for the best--as I said, it IS arbitrary, and I could take my time with it instead and do a better job--but it would also mean another twenty-odd years of putting it off because I couldn't be arsed. The things that are most daunting about the project are things I should've been handling along the way--am I legally allowed to use XYZ font, or do I have to buy the license? [I get licensing specialty fonts, I'm just in the dark about ones like Times New Roman [and where to do it if I *am* supposed to buy the license [I did consult the Google, YES, the one I want has no info]]] I could easily finish tomorrow and not be 100% happy with the result but at least it would be off my plate... I just can't motivate myself to put in the extra effort.
It's weird when my biggest problem is both being "special" and "not special" in my mind... "Everyone's special," yes, but I also embrace my place as no one in particular on these days when the Trolls come out to fight the Big Bad Feminazis. Not that I'm not Down with the Cause--it just feels like so much more effort than is worth from my position, that I'd just be making myself angry and gaining no particular ground either way [it'd be different if I was actually working in "a position of power" and possessed some degree of palpable influence].
I guess it's weird coming to terms with society telling me I can do anything but then realizing I won't really do anything. Or, nothing big-ticket, anyway--everyone contributes in some way, even the people dying at Walmart =/ [as gruesome as it is, I contend this kind of stuff has to happen periodically to remind ourselves of our humanity, as much as I'm sure we'd all love otherwise]
I don't know what I was getting at here, other than I been feeling old and lazy. Maybe I should just throw away the rest of my tapes from the '80s, unwatched, vs. trying to capture them. Nothing like nostalgia to bring up old regrets =p
...though the one tape I *did* throw away unwatched [because it broke and I thought there was no recovering what was on it] has caused a lifetime of backpedalling as a result -_-
AH LIFE