3739.3: Deep
So I already am not sure about this year on a coupla counts--par for the course with any fresh start, I think, despite my regular interest in them--but at least I can say I did not make a pact with the other co-owner of my business to kill ourselves in our hotel room after losing our four million dollar lawsuit...
Frankly, "filed Chapter 11" was all we needed to know =/ [all I was looking for was a working fax number...]
I do feel the same type [if not intensity] of sadness after having to put down Vic Viper, and I think it does have to do with the non-sharedness of the [sense of] loss. I recognize that books, particularly self-published ones, don't have quite the same marketability as graphic novels these days--or, I'm pandering to the wrong crowd, which is likely but not something I'm interested in investing time in rectifying--so that I'm pretty much the only one onboard with my book is... strange.
Back in the SCFA/Yerf! days, instant gratification was plentiful, because [I can only assume due to naïveté] it was the singular hotspot for my kind of artistic interests. Nowadays, there are many more options, many more people trying to branch out from the original. Only a few survive with any notoriety [read: Facebook/DeviantArt], and those pretty much because that's where everyone else went first... yes, it's possible to migrate, but people are creatures of habit and don't tend to experiment without good reason.
So my floundering of late, which prompted my bookmaking as a reflex against becoming my parents [who pretty much spend every idle hour vegging out], is most likely attributable to my falling out of this in-crowd, that I found online socializing especially to be such a drudgery that I basically "lost" friends by failing to reach out to them.
That's just who I've become, I think. Even now, in my "aww, now what" slump, I feel I should be more task-oriented and accomplishing more than leaving comments in others' LJs or art galleries or etc. [I also feel I should get a check-up, but need to find a doctor for that... and that's kind of secondary to the point of this post.] I think MLCS did in fact put my priorities more in alignment than they were, which was admittedly somewhat maligned, but in that same sort of "I'm overwhelmed by this whole life thing, still."
I don't know what I'll do when my parents finally kick it. I know there are a billion things I should be doing, but because I haven't had to think about them even a little, eh. This is prolly what makes me so uninvested in [my own] death, that, hey, at least I don't have to worry about anything else now. [Others' deaths, that's different, 'cause the fallout's on everyone else instead, which is why suicides are selfish.] What's likely to happen is I'm going to mail home the requisite copies of my book plus catalogue from work plus game[!!!] from work and explain, "I wrote this and realized it's too hard for me to be like the people I wrote about... so... sorry =( Love, Julie" or something, but I'm not going to be inclined to change, not when it's a seven-hour drive and/or three-hour flight one way and I don't take well to either.
I guess... my answer is, when my parents finally kick it, I'll not feel so bad about not going to see them because it's a moot point. But, you know, other than that.
So... yeah. Lots of deep thinking. Oddly enough, even Armin's expected fatherhood is kind of nudging me, as though I'm not doing anything more than amusing myself [despite my best efforts] when I'm not toiling away at work and this is proof. Even Willis is kinda offputting me by mentioning BBSes, which reminds me how I used to feel pleased by winning a dial-up, limited moves per day text adventure MMORPG.
I know what I want, but I don't know what I really want, if that makes any sense--I know the idea of having a kid is kinda cool, but I also know I am never going to be prepared for motherhood, so... how do I reconcile that =|
Midlife crisis, indeed. I guess that's why old guys buy boats, though I'd want a chopper [maybe]. You know, to sit out on the road and look cool, not actually use, 'cause I'm not really interested in investing the time/money to get licensed and insured.
Maybe I should just see Australia already. Or SOMETHING.
Frankly, "filed Chapter 11" was all we needed to know =/ [all I was looking for was a working fax number...]
I do feel the same type [if not intensity] of sadness after having to put down Vic Viper, and I think it does have to do with the non-sharedness of the [sense of] loss. I recognize that books, particularly self-published ones, don't have quite the same marketability as graphic novels these days--or, I'm pandering to the wrong crowd, which is likely but not something I'm interested in investing time in rectifying--so that I'm pretty much the only one onboard with my book is... strange.
Back in the SCFA/Yerf! days, instant gratification was plentiful, because [I can only assume due to naïveté] it was the singular hotspot for my kind of artistic interests. Nowadays, there are many more options, many more people trying to branch out from the original. Only a few survive with any notoriety [read: Facebook/DeviantArt], and those pretty much because that's where everyone else went first... yes, it's possible to migrate, but people are creatures of habit and don't tend to experiment without good reason.
So my floundering of late, which prompted my bookmaking as a reflex against becoming my parents [who pretty much spend every idle hour vegging out], is most likely attributable to my falling out of this in-crowd, that I found online socializing especially to be such a drudgery that I basically "lost" friends by failing to reach out to them.
That's just who I've become, I think. Even now, in my "aww, now what" slump, I feel I should be more task-oriented and accomplishing more than leaving comments in others' LJs or art galleries or etc. [I also feel I should get a check-up, but need to find a doctor for that... and that's kind of secondary to the point of this post.] I think MLCS did in fact put my priorities more in alignment than they were, which was admittedly somewhat maligned, but in that same sort of "I'm overwhelmed by this whole life thing, still."
I don't know what I'll do when my parents finally kick it. I know there are a billion things I should be doing, but because I haven't had to think about them even a little, eh. This is prolly what makes me so uninvested in [my own] death, that, hey, at least I don't have to worry about anything else now. [Others' deaths, that's different, 'cause the fallout's on everyone else instead, which is why suicides are selfish.] What's likely to happen is I'm going to mail home the requisite copies of my book plus catalogue from work plus game[!!!] from work and explain, "I wrote this and realized it's too hard for me to be like the people I wrote about... so... sorry =( Love, Julie" or something, but I'm not going to be inclined to change, not when it's a seven-hour drive and/or three-hour flight one way and I don't take well to either.
I guess... my answer is, when my parents finally kick it, I'll not feel so bad about not going to see them because it's a moot point. But, you know, other than that.
So... yeah. Lots of deep thinking. Oddly enough, even Armin's expected fatherhood is kind of nudging me, as though I'm not doing anything more than amusing myself [despite my best efforts] when I'm not toiling away at work and this is proof. Even Willis is kinda offputting me by mentioning BBSes, which reminds me how I used to feel pleased by winning a dial-up, limited moves per day text adventure MMORPG.
I know what I want, but I don't know what I really want, if that makes any sense--I know the idea of having a kid is kinda cool, but I also know I am never going to be prepared for motherhood, so... how do I reconcile that =|
Midlife crisis, indeed. I guess that's why old guys buy boats, though I'd want a chopper [maybe]. You know, to sit out on the road and look cool, not actually use, 'cause I'm not really interested in investing the time/money to get licensed and insured.
Maybe I should just see Australia already. Or SOMETHING.