3073.3: Girls Can Be Cruel
I'm through the start of May 2000 in the Hall of Repressed Memories [a little over three years' worth]. Could be farther along than that, but I only read at work, and I've been trying to savour [and, oh, WORK*] more than that.
*[Not that I was very successful with that today--Supers didn't show up until like 11 without leaving much in the way of a task list for those of us who showed up... late, but not quite THAT late, and after I got all of two documents done, my computer decided it couldn't find three-fourths of its RAM anymore, or the hard drive, and I spent the rest of the day trying to debug it 9_9 but that's a rant for another day...]
I have a theory about why people write in to advice columns. Some of it is a need for validation--the, hey, I got a response!--but mostly it's a reality check. The parable of the fly who perceived his landing on a cow as burdensome to it, that kind of thing: People are often too wrapped up in themselves to see their world objectively and realize what is and isn't a big deal. For instance:[big long rant about how writer's husband's ex-wife has part-time custody of husband's mother's dog and how can she stop it]
Carolyn Hax: This isn't even a molehill. Alert all gray matter that the dog-visitation issue is hereafter barred from the premises.
It's so easy to get lost in the Drama of an Issue to see that sometimes it really isn't an Issue at all as much as perspective. Further example: Every single letter writing in about how to tell if a person is The One, as though it's wrong to love more than one person, even on a friendly level.
Somewhat relatedly, an interesting thought exercise:Mishawaka, Ind.: Is it just me, or are today's questions demonstrating a wholly unprecedented level of thoughtfulness and maturity? Where are the tantrums? Where is the sense of entitlement I have come to know and love? What is this "thinking your actions through" business? Bah.
Carolyn Hax: Good point. I'll see what I can turn up.
_______________________
[big L-O-N-G rant about how an unemployed Family Member will not take an otherwise perfect job just because the commute is 45 minutes one way, would not accept future MIL's heirloom as an engagement ring because she doesn't want an engagement ring, and did not include her mother when buying her wedding dress because she found it on sale for $200 less]
Carolyn Hax: So she's supposed to take on a long commute, a ring she doesn't want and extra expenses for a dress (um, when she doesn't have a job?), because you all think she should?
You'd be doing the right thing if you stopped judging her and wishing you could run her life for her. But, short of that, I suppose biting your tongue is a start. Not nattering about her every move with "other members of the family" would be an excellent second step.
_______________________
Carolyn Hax: That was for you, Misha.
I feel like an idiot because I initially KNEW the answer to the question [due to the post order] but ended up siding with the wrong person before reading the answer. On reflection--and this was brought up in an unrelated segment on a different day I don't remember off-hand--"a little charisma goes a long way." That is, it's easy to fall into the trap of siding with the person who relates the story, because that's the nature of being sympathetic: The writer posed Family Member as an obnoxious twit, so FM came across as an obnoxious twit.
Reading between the lines, though, FM was just expressing her own preferences, living life on her terms instead of bending over backwards just to please other people's expectations [the 45-minute commute initially thwomped me over the head despite the sympathetic inclination, because I'd loathe it, too]. So, really, it's a reminder that people will find offense in very unoffensive things [the second letter, regarding "ma'am" as derogatory[!?]].
...two Hax posts down, about a dozen to go 9_9 I'll try to space them out a little and avoid doing nothing but plagiarizing posts, basically XB
*[Not that I was very successful with that today--Supers didn't show up until like 11 without leaving much in the way of a task list for those of us who showed up... late, but not quite THAT late, and after I got all of two documents done, my computer decided it couldn't find three-fourths of its RAM anymore, or the hard drive, and I spent the rest of the day trying to debug it 9_9 but that's a rant for another day...]
I have a theory about why people write in to advice columns. Some of it is a need for validation--the, hey, I got a response!--but mostly it's a reality check. The parable of the fly who perceived his landing on a cow as burdensome to it, that kind of thing: People are often too wrapped up in themselves to see their world objectively and realize what is and isn't a big deal. For instance:[big long rant about how writer's husband's ex-wife has part-time custody of husband's mother's dog and how can she stop it]
Carolyn Hax: This isn't even a molehill. Alert all gray matter that the dog-visitation issue is hereafter barred from the premises.
It's so easy to get lost in the Drama of an Issue to see that sometimes it really isn't an Issue at all as much as perspective. Further example: Every single letter writing in about how to tell if a person is The One, as though it's wrong to love more than one person, even on a friendly level.
Somewhat relatedly, an interesting thought exercise:Mishawaka, Ind.: Is it just me, or are today's questions demonstrating a wholly unprecedented level of thoughtfulness and maturity? Where are the tantrums? Where is the sense of entitlement I have come to know and love? What is this "thinking your actions through" business? Bah.
Carolyn Hax: Good point. I'll see what I can turn up.
_______________________
[big L-O-N-G rant about how an unemployed Family Member will not take an otherwise perfect job just because the commute is 45 minutes one way, would not accept future MIL's heirloom as an engagement ring because she doesn't want an engagement ring, and did not include her mother when buying her wedding dress because she found it on sale for $200 less]
Carolyn Hax: So she's supposed to take on a long commute, a ring she doesn't want and extra expenses for a dress (um, when she doesn't have a job?), because you all think she should?
You'd be doing the right thing if you stopped judging her and wishing you could run her life for her. But, short of that, I suppose biting your tongue is a start. Not nattering about her every move with "other members of the family" would be an excellent second step.
_______________________
Carolyn Hax: That was for you, Misha.
I feel like an idiot because I initially KNEW the answer to the question [due to the post order] but ended up siding with the wrong person before reading the answer. On reflection--and this was brought up in an unrelated segment on a different day I don't remember off-hand--"a little charisma goes a long way." That is, it's easy to fall into the trap of siding with the person who relates the story, because that's the nature of being sympathetic: The writer posed Family Member as an obnoxious twit, so FM came across as an obnoxious twit.
Reading between the lines, though, FM was just expressing her own preferences, living life on her terms instead of bending over backwards just to please other people's expectations [the 45-minute commute initially thwomped me over the head despite the sympathetic inclination, because I'd loathe it, too]. So, really, it's a reminder that people will find offense in very unoffensive things [the second letter, regarding "ma'am" as derogatory[!?]].
...two Hax posts down, about a dozen to go 9_9 I'll try to space them out a little and avoid doing nothing but plagiarizing posts, basically XB