3025: Hurts So Good
You see, George, you really had a wonderful life. Well, I do, anyway. I have a regular job, however "temporary," that proves to weather recession [...until such a time as I jinx it]. No credit card debt, and quite a bit in savings. My immediate family is all in good health, including my immediate family based on proximity [the Muggs]. About the most I can and have been complaining about is my aging car, which did 29.101 MPG for its latest trial as though to prove it isn't, and that the birthday present I got for Charles apparently isn't going to get here on time because mail delivery here is like a tombola draw--maybe I'll win something good, maybe I'll just get junk. [Even my tax forms are hit-and-miss; one says it'll get here sometime in mid-February.]
So I do have a good perspective on life--despite all my regrets that I didn't when I was younger even though I couldn't possibly have--and I do appreciate where I am. It doesn't change my feelings of not being a good person overall, tho, or of feeling guilty about some things that I should have done where the consequences were negligible. I'd go into greater detail, but I don't think it'll do much good.
--well, okay, here's an example: A while back, I mentioned a homeless person on the way to work and feeling bad because, hey, homeless vet--why can't I do anything 'cause I'm at a traffic light and have only so much ability to drop everything and rush over and give him everything [stopping mostly because it's not in my character to do that].
Trouble is, since then, I've seen more and more homeless--regularly--to where I can expect to see one standing at specific intersections from day to day [though never the same one(s)]. Each one is a new opportunity to rectify the initial failure. Each time, I've found some excuse not to do it: the light's just changed, I don't have any money on me, I don't know if this isn't actually an elaborate social exercise [ah, my overactive imagination...], etc.
The thing is, I just can't work out if panhandling is at all helpful. I've had a friend who [I've been told] was homeless for a long stretch of time, but he kept at a job and got out of that. Wouldn't the same work for these homeless, barring only the completely disabled? [For the latter, I don't have a solution.] I see the "HOMELESS MOTHER WITH THREE KIDS" and wonder how panhandling is really the best option for her. I wonder if the change in my pocket I only sometimes have wouldn't better fund a homeless shelter, to try to get some of these homeless off of panhandling.
Basically, I default to an "It's easier to ignore it" state. Reasonably, it's better, but--as most of you are quite aware--life isn't reasonable.
Finally, tho, I did see a guy at a new intersection today, with a really long sign about being homeless and needing heart medication, and since the light was too long to excuse away and he came toward my car, I did give him a few dollars. It may well have gone to a heart medication called "Vodka," but there's only so much I can justify away. Even if it was just a guy who didn't feel like working and thought that standing on the median of a busy road would be better, a few dollars should be the least reward for his gumption, though I don't doubt he genuinely had need for it that I don't really.
It gets into the value of human life, though: Is it worth saving these people? You could argue the same potential loss for the homeless who starve to death as you could any unborn baby/orphan child/starving child in Africa, and it would always be the same--until [insert cause here] is able to subsist without help, any donation made that isn't directly contributing to that independence is just prolonging the wait until death. A few dollars will buy a warm meal, and then...?
TO BE CLEAR, I feel the same way about people who are perfectly well-off but don't do a thing with themselves but mope. It's just waiting to die. What good is that?
Thirty years, and I still can't work out how I feel about humanity. The best I've done is decide that I love some people, most cute animals, and a lack of particular forms of drama, but I don't know what to do about guilt over things that are largely out of my hands. I suppose if some guilt is the worst of my trouble, tho, I have it pretty good =/ but I still hear about Henry Rollins's "Spina Bifida Guy" and feel bad I'm not a better person and out helping the helpless.
I only have so many spare dollars, tho.
So I do have a good perspective on life--despite all my regrets that I didn't when I was younger even though I couldn't possibly have--and I do appreciate where I am. It doesn't change my feelings of not being a good person overall, tho, or of feeling guilty about some things that I should have done where the consequences were negligible. I'd go into greater detail, but I don't think it'll do much good.
--well, okay, here's an example: A while back, I mentioned a homeless person on the way to work and feeling bad because, hey, homeless vet--why can't I do anything 'cause I'm at a traffic light and have only so much ability to drop everything and rush over and give him everything [stopping mostly because it's not in my character to do that].
Trouble is, since then, I've seen more and more homeless--regularly--to where I can expect to see one standing at specific intersections from day to day [though never the same one(s)]. Each one is a new opportunity to rectify the initial failure. Each time, I've found some excuse not to do it: the light's just changed, I don't have any money on me, I don't know if this isn't actually an elaborate social exercise [ah, my overactive imagination...], etc.
The thing is, I just can't work out if panhandling is at all helpful. I've had a friend who [I've been told] was homeless for a long stretch of time, but he kept at a job and got out of that. Wouldn't the same work for these homeless, barring only the completely disabled? [For the latter, I don't have a solution.] I see the "HOMELESS MOTHER WITH THREE KIDS" and wonder how panhandling is really the best option for her. I wonder if the change in my pocket I only sometimes have wouldn't better fund a homeless shelter, to try to get some of these homeless off of panhandling.
Basically, I default to an "It's easier to ignore it" state. Reasonably, it's better, but--as most of you are quite aware--life isn't reasonable.
Finally, tho, I did see a guy at a new intersection today, with a really long sign about being homeless and needing heart medication, and since the light was too long to excuse away and he came toward my car, I did give him a few dollars. It may well have gone to a heart medication called "Vodka," but there's only so much I can justify away. Even if it was just a guy who didn't feel like working and thought that standing on the median of a busy road would be better, a few dollars should be the least reward for his gumption, though I don't doubt he genuinely had need for it that I don't really.
It gets into the value of human life, though: Is it worth saving these people? You could argue the same potential loss for the homeless who starve to death as you could any unborn baby/orphan child/starving child in Africa, and it would always be the same--until [insert cause here] is able to subsist without help, any donation made that isn't directly contributing to that independence is just prolonging the wait until death. A few dollars will buy a warm meal, and then...?
TO BE CLEAR, I feel the same way about people who are perfectly well-off but don't do a thing with themselves but mope. It's just waiting to die. What good is that?
Thirty years, and I still can't work out how I feel about humanity. The best I've done is decide that I love some people, most cute animals, and a lack of particular forms of drama, but I don't know what to do about guilt over things that are largely out of my hands. I suppose if some guilt is the worst of my trouble, tho, I have it pretty good =/ but I still hear about Henry Rollins's "Spina Bifida Guy" and feel bad I'm not a better person and out helping the helpless.
I only have so many spare dollars, tho.