2862: Crisis
A story my father told me not long ago*--perhaps a twice-told tale but relevant to this post:
*meaning, after I moved out
Upon purchasing our family's house, my father started finishing the basement with the intention of it being a playroom for me [and, prospectively, my brother], though he also began a wet bar for the things wet bars do. Because my mother was away three or four days a week, he would take me [us] to daycare, work eight hours at his job, pick me [us] up from daycare, put us to bed, then work several hours a day after that doing construction and whatnot.
Some backbreaking time later, he realized that he didn't HAVE to spend all his time working, and he quit the basement project then and there. In the time I've known the house, I estimate it's always been about 20% complete, compared to what he had planned, though I did for a while use the partial wet bar as a computer desk [however messy].
My dilemma since childhood is that I've never known what I want to do for a living, because I--a thoroughly spoiled brat--am really not geared towards work. Sure, I can work hard if motivated, but work itself does not motivate me as much as its own goal, and "for a living" is an ephemeral goal at best. In the past, I have done things that could be considered work by what reasoning or other, but there's never been a driving force behind it to propel me to go above and beyond the call of duty.
I have been channelling my advice columnists, whether you wish to blame them for my decision or not, and come to the conclusion that I should not feel guilty for not "doing something" with my life, which is what comprises a vast percentage of the projects I have otherwise let fall to the wayside. Having an idea should not necessitate utilizing it, and a project should be its own enjoyment, not a chore I loathe the idea of even beginning. [Game geek reference: like starting a Lost Cities expedition with no point cards in sight.]
I have had fun this weekend, not doing any real work [besides the odd fairly easy, low consequence layout]. Sure, the old "do some art" nagging was hanging at the back of my mind, but in general it stayed there, and I felt like I wanted to game every weekend, even if it was a shmupmeet [generally, watching others play the games I could play any time if I asked] vs. something in which I would be an active participant. Art now feels like a neglected child I should give to a foster parent.
On that note, there was an issue of Mad magazine--I believe, though it may have been Cracked--that joked how having a "Teenage Mom" has the downside of "having to share toys." This would be the case with Julie Mom, too, and is a huge factor why Mature Julie says NO to having kids someday =/
--not that I couldn't share, but that I spend too much time playing to also then tackle something like a baby and could not keep at it unless one or the other of Charles and me became a SAH parent, which really can't happen with our comfortable-enough-as-is finances. Similarly, I realize my subconscious must deliberately sabotage any major project I undertake, especially with no deadline with penalties [steeple to chase], for the same reason: too much of a shift of resources [mostly, time].
I mean, I have the maturity to know I can give up certain things when the situation calls for it, but I don't know if I could give them up entirely. If you said playing the Neopets games and etc. was taking up too much of my time to the point where I wasn't doing anything but while simultaneously neglecting important things, I would concede, scale back, and put more energy into what needed it [which I have--I barely even restock now]. However, if you said I had to self-freeze my Neopets accounts [and let them get irreversibly purged], sell all my plushies and cards, and never even look for Neopets should I happen to enter a store with a toy section, I'd wonder what extreme could possibly make that worth doing.He scowled at this too and replied, "I have a cousin with all that crap. He’s got comic books all over his house and I’m like, sell this stuff and make a couple of grand."
I said, "They aren’t worth that much, and if even if they were, so what? You can make a couple of grand doing anything. Anything. After you sell the things you love, then what happens? You buy some new clothes, pay some bills, go out to dinner a few times. You’ve still lost the things you loved just for the sake of a fleeting two thousand dollars."
I don't mind giving up my mornings before work [currently] devoted entirely to laundry, checking and answering e-mail, packing, running errands, and maybe some shopping if I can squeeze it in [couldn't today, late after making an omelette sammich]. There are also days when I don't feel like doing those, but I "have" to do them, so I spend a lot of time weighing the value of what I want and need to do... to the point where the time vanishes anyway =p and when I get home, I feel entitled to some "me" time--and who wouldn't?
But I can't give up more than that to something inconsequential that only half my heart is in. "Would be neat" is not a motivator, and it took me this long to realize that? Yes, I am slow. Do I love my stories? Yes, but if they aren't getting finished because I can't make myself draw, then that just makes everything suffer.
I knew I would come to a realization after hitting a "milestone" year. I just didn't know when or what, specifically, or that it would take me so long to realize I don't really want to do half the stuff I kept imagining I would be doing in the future. [Well, it IS the future! ...sort of.] Turns out it's two weeks in, when I'm at threat of getting a new job because we're out of things to do--despite being contracted until the start of October =( and all I can think of is, "The last thing I need to be doing is drawing on speculation." Even well-liked, well-established comic artists get weighed down by the pressure of it... do I expect to do better on half the drive? Doing I can't decide what?
Anyway, my role model [as such], usagiguy, didn't get his start until forty, so I still have time to change my mind, right? Even if I feel more in synch with Gabriel Knight [bad writer, reasonable artist if he bothered to try].
They say love is a stream that will find its course. I mean, some-a people think life is a dream, so they making matters worse...
*meaning, after I moved out
Upon purchasing our family's house, my father started finishing the basement with the intention of it being a playroom for me [and, prospectively, my brother], though he also began a wet bar for the things wet bars do. Because my mother was away three or four days a week, he would take me [us] to daycare, work eight hours at his job, pick me [us] up from daycare, put us to bed, then work several hours a day after that doing construction and whatnot.
Some backbreaking time later, he realized that he didn't HAVE to spend all his time working, and he quit the basement project then and there. In the time I've known the house, I estimate it's always been about 20% complete, compared to what he had planned, though I did for a while use the partial wet bar as a computer desk [however messy].
My dilemma since childhood is that I've never known what I want to do for a living, because I--a thoroughly spoiled brat--am really not geared towards work. Sure, I can work hard if motivated, but work itself does not motivate me as much as its own goal, and "for a living" is an ephemeral goal at best. In the past, I have done things that could be considered work by what reasoning or other, but there's never been a driving force behind it to propel me to go above and beyond the call of duty.
I have been channelling my advice columnists, whether you wish to blame them for my decision or not, and come to the conclusion that I should not feel guilty for not "doing something" with my life, which is what comprises a vast percentage of the projects I have otherwise let fall to the wayside. Having an idea should not necessitate utilizing it, and a project should be its own enjoyment, not a chore I loathe the idea of even beginning. [Game geek reference: like starting a Lost Cities expedition with no point cards in sight.]
I have had fun this weekend, not doing any real work [besides the odd fairly easy, low consequence layout]. Sure, the old "do some art" nagging was hanging at the back of my mind, but in general it stayed there, and I felt like I wanted to game every weekend, even if it was a shmupmeet [generally, watching others play the games I could play any time if I asked] vs. something in which I would be an active participant. Art now feels like a neglected child I should give to a foster parent.
On that note, there was an issue of Mad magazine--I believe, though it may have been Cracked--that joked how having a "Teenage Mom" has the downside of "having to share toys." This would be the case with Julie Mom, too, and is a huge factor why Mature Julie says NO to having kids someday =/
--not that I couldn't share, but that I spend too much time playing to also then tackle something like a baby and could not keep at it unless one or the other of Charles and me became a SAH parent, which really can't happen with our comfortable-enough-as-is finances. Similarly, I realize my subconscious must deliberately sabotage any major project I undertake, especially with no deadline with penalties [steeple to chase], for the same reason: too much of a shift of resources [mostly, time].
I mean, I have the maturity to know I can give up certain things when the situation calls for it, but I don't know if I could give them up entirely. If you said playing the Neopets games and etc. was taking up too much of my time to the point where I wasn't doing anything but while simultaneously neglecting important things, I would concede, scale back, and put more energy into what needed it [which I have--I barely even restock now]. However, if you said I had to self-freeze my Neopets accounts [and let them get irreversibly purged], sell all my plushies and cards, and never even look for Neopets should I happen to enter a store with a toy section, I'd wonder what extreme could possibly make that worth doing.He scowled at this too and replied, "I have a cousin with all that crap. He’s got comic books all over his house and I’m like, sell this stuff and make a couple of grand."
I said, "They aren’t worth that much, and if even if they were, so what? You can make a couple of grand doing anything. Anything. After you sell the things you love, then what happens? You buy some new clothes, pay some bills, go out to dinner a few times. You’ve still lost the things you loved just for the sake of a fleeting two thousand dollars."
I don't mind giving up my mornings before work [currently] devoted entirely to laundry, checking and answering e-mail, packing, running errands, and maybe some shopping if I can squeeze it in [couldn't today, late after making an omelette sammich]. There are also days when I don't feel like doing those, but I "have" to do them, so I spend a lot of time weighing the value of what I want and need to do... to the point where the time vanishes anyway =p and when I get home, I feel entitled to some "me" time--and who wouldn't?
But I can't give up more than that to something inconsequential that only half my heart is in. "Would be neat" is not a motivator, and it took me this long to realize that? Yes, I am slow. Do I love my stories? Yes, but if they aren't getting finished because I can't make myself draw, then that just makes everything suffer.
I knew I would come to a realization after hitting a "milestone" year. I just didn't know when or what, specifically, or that it would take me so long to realize I don't really want to do half the stuff I kept imagining I would be doing in the future. [Well, it IS the future! ...sort of.] Turns out it's two weeks in, when I'm at threat of getting a new job because we're out of things to do--despite being contracted until the start of October =( and all I can think of is, "The last thing I need to be doing is drawing on speculation." Even well-liked, well-established comic artists get weighed down by the pressure of it... do I expect to do better on half the drive? Doing I can't decide what?
Anyway, my role model [as such], usagiguy, didn't get his start until forty, so I still have time to change my mind, right? Even if I feel more in synch with Gabriel Knight [bad writer, reasonable artist if he bothered to try].
They say love is a stream that will find its course. I mean, some-a people think life is a dream, so they making matters worse...