2771: Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
What has come to pass is what I was starting to look forward to happening, anyway, considering the plans dwindled away into nothing but kind of a whim at the back of everyone's minds--or remained that way. It's just that big plans shouldn't be taken so lightly, especially expensive plans that involve herding cats, basically [well, except... wolves].
Japan is off, and Char is going with me to Annaleise's wedding in July*--which is a load off my "will be bored stupid driving so far by myself" mind, besides that I just feel like it's bad timing to go this year, anyway: I can feasibly get an extra day or two off for the wedding + what my father wants me to do, I wasn't so sure about Japan.
*which he originally wasn't going to do because, like me, he doesn't really want to do more than one major trip in so short a time, though I am obligated to attend a once-in-a-lifetime event over something that can [and will?] clearly be rescheduled for whenever
Though I have been happy being with Chars in that way that grown-up relationships are fulfilling, I still feel overwhelmed by sadness--not depression, but a sort of inexplicable mourning. It's almost like... you know how all the great people in the world got to be that way by overcoming adversity? And, well... I haven't had much of that except at my own hand, so I've just had this generally unexciting life that, however content, isn't really noteworthy. I mean, not everyone is built for a 'noteworthy' life--certainly, I'm not--but at the same time, why do I feel bad that I'm not living the drama, only writing it?
I wonder if, through my writing, I'm trying to live the lives I could have lived had my life gone a bit differently. Then again, who isn't doing that? ...besides the ones whose writing is as memoir, or even therapy =p [A thought: Is it a human--even female--thing to enjoy being sad or miserable? Sort of an anti-catharsis? ...as long as I don't turn into Nag, I suppose it's okay.]
Japan is off, and Char is going with me to Annaleise's wedding in July*--which is a load off my "will be bored stupid driving so far by myself" mind, besides that I just feel like it's bad timing to go this year, anyway: I can feasibly get an extra day or two off for the wedding + what my father wants me to do, I wasn't so sure about Japan.
*which he originally wasn't going to do because, like me, he doesn't really want to do more than one major trip in so short a time, though I am obligated to attend a once-in-a-lifetime event over something that can [and will?] clearly be rescheduled for whenever
Though I have been happy being with Chars in that way that grown-up relationships are fulfilling, I still feel overwhelmed by sadness--not depression, but a sort of inexplicable mourning. It's almost like... you know how all the great people in the world got to be that way by overcoming adversity? And, well... I haven't had much of that except at my own hand, so I've just had this generally unexciting life that, however content, isn't really noteworthy. I mean, not everyone is built for a 'noteworthy' life--certainly, I'm not--but at the same time, why do I feel bad that I'm not living the drama, only writing it?
I wonder if, through my writing, I'm trying to live the lives I could have lived had my life gone a bit differently. Then again, who isn't doing that? ...besides the ones whose writing is as memoir, or even therapy =p [A thought: Is it a human--even female--thing to enjoy being sad or miserable? Sort of an anti-catharsis? ...as long as I don't turn into Nag, I suppose it's okay.]