(no subject)
Yesterday was the first show I booked in coming back into Gilman and I couldn't have been mor proud of it. An all folk-punk show, all the bands of high calabar. The high light was definantly The Can Kickers. I clapped so much that my hands were raw. Not in applause, but in participation! And I danced and danced and danced! So much fun. Fiddle, banjo and drums. The most cliche of drum beats, though done with enthusiasm and its so uncommon to have dance beats done to old timey music. I am SO going to rip that off.
It was more of an event for socializing though. It was the last time I'd see Cate, the girl who I am in love with, before she went traveling until who knows when. She saw me and hugged me and gave me a letter. How about that! Nice to see I had been in her thoughts somewhat, right? Well friends, let me tell you... okay, this is me focusing on the negative. In my last letter to her I wrote that when Lucy first met she was "irked" by me. This has always been a sore point to me. Well! Friends! Cate said I riked her too! She said that she didn't know what to make of my friendliness, as her scene is so aloof and cool.
This makes me think less of her. This makes me think less of her scene. Friends, this makes me think less of YOU! I am one step closer to hating all of humanity. Really. It makes me sick that my brand of enthusiastic friendliness would be met with suspicion and doubt, or "irkness", makes me not want to talk to people, ever again. It makes me want to stay in my room and play the banjo and never leave. It makes me want to cry.
Of course the letter is about other things. This is one small part. Its two sentances of a four page letter. And even if I DID irk her, hey: I won her over somewhat, right? But the fact I was oblivious of her having taken me poorly hurts. It makes me more insecure. And I'm sick of needing to win people over.
I talked to Lucy a good deal about it. She elabortated on what "irked" her about me. And you know what? Its pretty fair. I talked about myself and didn't ask questions. I, like all men she interacts with it seems to her, attempted to make my self look great so that she would like me rather than attempting to find out what she was about and how we could relate. True! Its true! This is something I have noted about myself as well and have been working on for a few years now to great success, I think. So that's a fair reason to be irked by someone, especially if it is a common theme with all of her interactions with men. I am actually glad that was cleared up a bit.
But let me add on, while her reasoning to be "irked" with me may have been valid, by the fact her impression of me was wrong I would suggest she shold never, ever listen to her gut again! Ha! I don't listen to mine! I am always SO wrong about people. Truth is my first impression is always, always wrong.
All the same, I am all but quits with this girl Cate, who I am still, all the same, in love with. The truth is I have two emotions for her: voyueristic amazment and personal insecurity. These aren't emotions I am too keen on feeling. Neither of them!
Now then there's my new friend Marissa. She was at the show last night too. She was drunk and affectionate. The emotions she brings up in me: playfulness and silly happines. Brian, my bandmate was there and he was a bit socially isolated, going back to his truck to play guitar by himself if I left him alone for fifteen minutes. Reminds me of me. The emotions I feel with him: companionship and the growing bonds of friendship. This girl Cate IS amazing to me. But she brings out the worst in me and I can't have that. It helps that's she's gone who for knows how long, but I am going to just let this go and spend me energy on people who bring out things in my I like. Unless she write me. Then I'm hopping back on the insecurity roller coaster! Yippee!
It was more of an event for socializing though. It was the last time I'd see Cate, the girl who I am in love with, before she went traveling until who knows when. She saw me and hugged me and gave me a letter. How about that! Nice to see I had been in her thoughts somewhat, right? Well friends, let me tell you... okay, this is me focusing on the negative. In my last letter to her I wrote that when Lucy first met she was "irked" by me. This has always been a sore point to me. Well! Friends! Cate said I riked her too! She said that she didn't know what to make of my friendliness, as her scene is so aloof and cool.
This makes me think less of her. This makes me think less of her scene. Friends, this makes me think less of YOU! I am one step closer to hating all of humanity. Really. It makes me sick that my brand of enthusiastic friendliness would be met with suspicion and doubt, or "irkness", makes me not want to talk to people, ever again. It makes me want to stay in my room and play the banjo and never leave. It makes me want to cry.
Of course the letter is about other things. This is one small part. Its two sentances of a four page letter. And even if I DID irk her, hey: I won her over somewhat, right? But the fact I was oblivious of her having taken me poorly hurts. It makes me more insecure. And I'm sick of needing to win people over.
I talked to Lucy a good deal about it. She elabortated on what "irked" her about me. And you know what? Its pretty fair. I talked about myself and didn't ask questions. I, like all men she interacts with it seems to her, attempted to make my self look great so that she would like me rather than attempting to find out what she was about and how we could relate. True! Its true! This is something I have noted about myself as well and have been working on for a few years now to great success, I think. So that's a fair reason to be irked by someone, especially if it is a common theme with all of her interactions with men. I am actually glad that was cleared up a bit.
But let me add on, while her reasoning to be "irked" with me may have been valid, by the fact her impression of me was wrong I would suggest she shold never, ever listen to her gut again! Ha! I don't listen to mine! I am always SO wrong about people. Truth is my first impression is always, always wrong.
All the same, I am all but quits with this girl Cate, who I am still, all the same, in love with. The truth is I have two emotions for her: voyueristic amazment and personal insecurity. These aren't emotions I am too keen on feeling. Neither of them!
Now then there's my new friend Marissa. She was at the show last night too. She was drunk and affectionate. The emotions she brings up in me: playfulness and silly happines. Brian, my bandmate was there and he was a bit socially isolated, going back to his truck to play guitar by himself if I left him alone for fifteen minutes. Reminds me of me. The emotions I feel with him: companionship and the growing bonds of friendship. This girl Cate IS amazing to me. But she brings out the worst in me and I can't have that. It helps that's she's gone who for knows how long, but I am going to just let this go and spend me energy on people who bring out things in my I like. Unless she write me. Then I'm hopping back on the insecurity roller coaster! Yippee!