Safeguarding Altruism
Title: Safeguarding Altruism
Pairing: GRI
Author: jemnise
Summary: TWO ONE SIDED. Get it? Because they are fools. And because there are no happy endings in real life.
AN: Okay. so yea. I saw the prompt in gdheartri and was like, I WANT TO WRITE! LOL XD First, because *slapsself* there gabajillion of GRI nowadays. Second, because TODAE is killing me. Third, Because GDYB is killing me too. Fourth, because I'm an EMO. Fifth, because my GTOP soul i being burn in hell right now. MANG. No, I don't know if I should pass this or whatev cause it sucked. I always phail. MANG >< one day, i will be satisfied with my own work SWEAR! And wait. I experimented yet again. O-O
Who needs salvation?
Do you?
You need someone to rescue you? Are you in distress? Do you need someone to pull you out of the mess you are into? And what? You end up falling in love with that person? Or better yet, you end up thinking that you fell in love?
Oh no.
You think he's the right guy to fall in love with for he saved you.
Isn't that pity? Isn't that wrong? For I don't think it is love.
But, YOU think.
YOU MADE ME THINK YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
***
You wonder why he left you like that, broken and bleeding you. He left you in the gutter, ripped clothes, almost beaten to death, heart figuratively dead.
You need to be saved.
You need to. You want to. For you're miserable. People see that. You can see that.
Take away the scenario, you're still bleeding. You're clothes are fine, you're heart's beating just normal, you have your life but everytime you look at yourself in front of the mirror, you are not you. You lost half of yourself. No.
You lost yourself, entirely.
All because of him.
You lie down one Sunday morning, its not Sunday but you just feel like it, you want it to be Sundays for always. For you don't see him every sunday. you don't meet every sunday. Its family day, so you get to spend with yours and he gets to spend it with his. So now that he's gone, you want to always think that its sunday. That tomorrow, monday you'll see him again.
Well maybe in another lifetime for your time with him is over.
You stare at the ceiling of your room, drown thyself from memories of the past. Past that you wanted to pull out of the box so you can relive it, always.
"We're meant to be, I always knew that" he whispered. After long hours of love making, his words were like his cock fucking you again, its pure ecstasy.
"I know, don't ever leave me hyung..." you whispered back, leaving open mouth kisses on his shoulder.
A couple of years and three months, he figured out that you weren't meant to be. He figured that he wants a family. That he wants a wife, not a fuck buddy. He wants a stable life, he wants a normal one.
And you're far from normal.
You stood up from your bed, your eyes tearing again for the umpteenth time. You walk to your balcony, felt the gust of wind take over your sanity.
A step forward for the coward.
Another step for the pain.
Another step for the hurt.
Another step for the regret.
Another step for him.
"SeungHyun hyung, goodbye" You muttered.
Another step to death.
You can't remember how were you able to climb up the railings, but you remember every single step you made. You remember spreading your arms as you fly from the 15th floor of your apartmentcomplex. You remember closing your eyes when you feel that you will soon hit the ground.
And then you didn't.
You open your eyes and found a face. A face that looked like a being who is heaven sent. A face that is shimmering, glowing like it is a majestic being. And then you realized, you two are flying.
You don't know why, but you held on to him. You wrapped your hands around his neck, you squeeze your face on the crook of his neck that you can smell him, and you have one thing in mind.
Angel.
You felt that he slowed down, you felt that the way he's carrying you changed. You felt normal.
You open your eyes and found your self still in his arms, as he walks. You don't know where but you didn't dare ask.
You're so damn clueless why.
"Hey,tell me if you feel better now" He said, smiling. Smiling like an angel again. Smiling like a knight in shining armour carrying his damsel in distress.
I'm the damsel in distress, he saved me.
---
The first time you learned his name was the last time you saw him.
In the day you think of him, you think of his name and how he carried you until he reached your apartment. You think of trying to find him and maybe thanking him this time (for the last time you were so mesmerized that you only uttered; thankssss. You even stuttered.)
But he was nowhere in sight. You even asked yourself if you really did see him, if he really did save you cause you might got hallucinations, or worse, you really died that now you're just in another reality.
Another reality wherein you still ache for Seung Hyun hyung's embrace, his kisses but reality that you think of somebody else for a quarter of an hour.
---
He was there, you were there.
You were smiling foolishly as you walk to where he was. You felt that your heart will explode the moment you stand inside his circle. And it made you think, why? What's wrong with your heart? What's wrong with your brain? Why do you feel that way towards someone who is a total stranger? Besides the fact that he saved you, there's no logical reason for you to be feeling that way.
But you don't really care.
You just do feel it, you just do want to see him and now that he's here, you care about nothing.
"Kwon Ji Yong, nice name" You muttered as you took a sip from your coffee, your treat, as you walk on random streets in Seoul.
he didn't answer. For the past half an hour, he never answered. He just smiles. And smiles. And still you felt complete and fine.
"Thank you JiYong, hyung?" You hesitated, but you continued thinking that he will never answer anyway. "I..."
"It's my job kid" He finally answered the moment he stopped walking, he looked at you while saying those words. He was staring deep inside your eyes, scrutinizing you in any way possible, but still, its alright.
"Well, thank you, hyung. My life was..." You coughed, smiled at the sight of your almost empty cup and continued; "Did you ever fall in love"
"Not part of the job description. Superheroes never had a happy ending in real life" his face was serious, the glow disappeared as if he had been robbed.
"Oh. Reality. Yea Right. No Happy Endings. Those are for damn bullshit fairytale." You agree cause its the truth.
Its the truth and no one ever rubbed it on your face like what that stranger did. Nobody even came
close to that, to make reality eat you wholly that in life, nothing good lasts forever.
Well forever is even fictional, ergo, it doesn't even exist.
---
Step by step, inch by inch, day by day, you get to know this guy who appears and disappears as he pleases. No you never saw him transform, you never saw him put on a cape or a mask, you never saw him puts on a lousy, balls scratching spiderman suit, or some lame batman mask.
But he rescues people everyday, you see that. you see when he runs away from you and go to the man who was about to get hit by a truck, you saw him saved a girl from being raped, you saw him saved this old woman from a bunch of gangsters.
You see him save lives, what he doesn't know is that everyday you get to spend with him, you are saved.
your salvation is in his hands and he's never letting go of it. I'll never let go of you too. You thought.
___
"What if, I tell you I do like you, will you stay? Just be with me?" You ask one night when he drank a couple bottles of soju while you had four of it. You're drunk and that's one lame excuse for your honesty.
"Nobody lives happily ever after kid" he answered nonchalantly. You dismissed his words, took his hand into yours, playfully, interlacing every finger. When you're done with it, you closed your hand as his remained opened.You smiled like the kid that you are and said;
"Once upon a time, I held a hand just like yours. We are meant to be, I know that. I very well know that. And then..." You almost choke in your own tears, tears that shouldn't be falling.
"Kid, you need to go home"
"I'm not done yet... and then he let go of me, for another hand. Do you know how that feels? I died. I died. I never wanted to wake up. I... Choi Seung Hyun tore me apart, he left me wounded. Wounds that will never heal. But you. you just have to come by and save my sorry ass. Do you know how much I hated you?" You ranted. You cannot make yourself stop. You cannot shut your damn hole called mouth.
And so he did it for you.
His lips crashed into yours. Your eyes opened like hell did when they accepted Judas. That wide. You saw him, eyes closed, passionately forcing his lips into yours. And then you felt his tongue, you gave up. You parted yours letting him enter your mouth, him enter your space. Your hands are still intertwined as his free hand caressed your face while yours are everywhere. You actually don't know where to place it until you found his waist.
"YAAAA! You go find a room disgusting people!" It was then that you realized what you've done.
You broke the kiss by pushing him away, letting go of his hand as soon as possible.
The next thing you knew, you were running away.
Running to somewhere.
---
You go to his place. The person you have loved. The person you have shared precious moments with. the person named Choi Seung Hyun. The person who shares the same name as you.
We're meant to be
Tears flooded your entirety as you found him sitting alone outside his apartment. He was smoking again, there was a bottle of beer on the table. Just one. You concluded he was alone.
Where's the family? Where's the wife? Where's the kid? Where's the normal life? Where's all the stability in this situation?
You get your phone, dialed his number, no you never forgot. the moment his voice went on the other line, you trembled. You even thought you will collapse. How you missed that voice. That voice that soothes your soul. The voice that calms you entirely. That voice. That man. That everything that defines your existence.
"I am moving on Hyun. I am moving on. I am trying. Don't do this" were the words he uttered as he hung up, looked at where you are and just went inside in a blink of an eye.
Your eyes tear up, your weak body almost ran out of blood. That was pain right there. And you just have to experience it, again.
But even before another tear can fall from your eyes, someone wiped it away. Someone whose hands are now very familiar. Hands, skin, everything. Even his voice lingers.
"Don't do this to yourself Ri. Don't." he mutters as he pull your body so close to his, wrapped his arms around your fragile body and said; "I promised myself, if given a chance, I will save you over and over again. More than a hundred million times"
You never asked why, how, what, when, where. Things are not making sense, overwhelming hurt overcame your sanity.
But one thing is for sure. Kwon Ji Yong doesn't even have the time to think about leaving.
***
YOU MADE ME THINK YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
Made me think. And I am still thinking. The way you hold on to me, the way you place kisses in every part of my body. The way you look at me as I get out of the bed in the morning, the way you sits down on my lap, the way you embrace me as if you will never let me go.
Make me think more.
Cause even if you don't, I have my own heart to hold on to. I have my heart that beats for you. Even before you plan to jump off your apartment for a guy like Choi. Even before you knew my existence.
This heart had been beating for you.
For there's something that you don't know. You saved me. You walked into my life that day, I was still high with some mixed drugs, I was bleeding and you came. You never asked, you just came and help.
Don't you remember? You breathe in life to me, you're the source of my powers.
that's why that day, I pretended to be Superman and started saving lives. The way you saved mine. You hear me Lee Seung Hyun?
You saved me.
That's why no matter how many times I have to save you from hurt, from pain, I will.
Anyways, that's what superheroes do right? Save others and forget themselves along the way?
Well, I forgot about me. All I know is you, and how to make you happy.
Cause you, and everything around you makes me happy and defines my very existence.
parkchoongjae , my bleeding GTOP love tells me not to post GUMTOP. I need a GTOP GIF. MWHAHAHA XD and this one. Had been bugging me before I could finish the HURTING TODAE AND GDYB fic for limited people.
oxygenlove , i love you and I miss you. Too bad. I am emo. LOL I can't defend my utmost love for GTOP -____- cause TOP and DAE, crushed me.
PS. i don't know if i would like this to be an entry whatever. cause for me i fail LOL -____________- me and my low self esteem. but whatev. (I somehow corrected some typos LOL XD)
Pairing: GRI
Author: jemnise
Summary: TWO ONE SIDED. Get it? Because they are fools. And because there are no happy endings in real life.
AN: Okay. so yea. I saw the prompt in gdheartri and was like, I WANT TO WRITE! LOL XD First, because *slapsself* there gabajillion of GRI nowadays. Second, because TODAE is killing me. Third, Because GDYB is killing me too. Fourth, because I'm an EMO. Fifth, because my GTOP soul i being burn in hell right now. MANG. No, I don't know if I should pass this or whatev cause it sucked. I always phail. MANG >< one day, i will be satisfied with my own work SWEAR! And wait. I experimented yet again. O-O
Who needs salvation?
Do you?
You need someone to rescue you? Are you in distress? Do you need someone to pull you out of the mess you are into? And what? You end up falling in love with that person? Or better yet, you end up thinking that you fell in love?
Oh no.
You think he's the right guy to fall in love with for he saved you.
Isn't that pity? Isn't that wrong? For I don't think it is love.
But, YOU think.
YOU MADE ME THINK YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
***
You wonder why he left you like that, broken and bleeding you. He left you in the gutter, ripped clothes, almost beaten to death, heart figuratively dead.
You need to be saved.
You need to. You want to. For you're miserable. People see that. You can see that.
Take away the scenario, you're still bleeding. You're clothes are fine, you're heart's beating just normal, you have your life but everytime you look at yourself in front of the mirror, you are not you. You lost half of yourself. No.
You lost yourself, entirely.
All because of him.
You lie down one Sunday morning, its not Sunday but you just feel like it, you want it to be Sundays for always. For you don't see him every sunday. you don't meet every sunday. Its family day, so you get to spend with yours and he gets to spend it with his. So now that he's gone, you want to always think that its sunday. That tomorrow, monday you'll see him again.
Well maybe in another lifetime for your time with him is over.
You stare at the ceiling of your room, drown thyself from memories of the past. Past that you wanted to pull out of the box so you can relive it, always.
"We're meant to be, I always knew that" he whispered. After long hours of love making, his words were like his cock fucking you again, its pure ecstasy.
"I know, don't ever leave me hyung..." you whispered back, leaving open mouth kisses on his shoulder.
A couple of years and three months, he figured out that you weren't meant to be. He figured that he wants a family. That he wants a wife, not a fuck buddy. He wants a stable life, he wants a normal one.
And you're far from normal.
You stood up from your bed, your eyes tearing again for the umpteenth time. You walk to your balcony, felt the gust of wind take over your sanity.
A step forward for the coward.
Another step for the pain.
Another step for the hurt.
Another step for the regret.
Another step for him.
"SeungHyun hyung, goodbye" You muttered.
Another step to death.
You can't remember how were you able to climb up the railings, but you remember every single step you made. You remember spreading your arms as you fly from the 15th floor of your apartmentcomplex. You remember closing your eyes when you feel that you will soon hit the ground.
And then you didn't.
You open your eyes and found a face. A face that looked like a being who is heaven sent. A face that is shimmering, glowing like it is a majestic being. And then you realized, you two are flying.
You don't know why, but you held on to him. You wrapped your hands around his neck, you squeeze your face on the crook of his neck that you can smell him, and you have one thing in mind.
Angel.
You felt that he slowed down, you felt that the way he's carrying you changed. You felt normal.
You open your eyes and found your self still in his arms, as he walks. You don't know where but you didn't dare ask.
You're so damn clueless why.
"Hey,tell me if you feel better now" He said, smiling. Smiling like an angel again. Smiling like a knight in shining armour carrying his damsel in distress.
I'm the damsel in distress, he saved me.
---
The first time you learned his name was the last time you saw him.
In the day you think of him, you think of his name and how he carried you until he reached your apartment. You think of trying to find him and maybe thanking him this time (for the last time you were so mesmerized that you only uttered; thankssss. You even stuttered.)
But he was nowhere in sight. You even asked yourself if you really did see him, if he really did save you cause you might got hallucinations, or worse, you really died that now you're just in another reality.
Another reality wherein you still ache for Seung Hyun hyung's embrace, his kisses but reality that you think of somebody else for a quarter of an hour.
---
He was there, you were there.
You were smiling foolishly as you walk to where he was. You felt that your heart will explode the moment you stand inside his circle. And it made you think, why? What's wrong with your heart? What's wrong with your brain? Why do you feel that way towards someone who is a total stranger? Besides the fact that he saved you, there's no logical reason for you to be feeling that way.
But you don't really care.
You just do feel it, you just do want to see him and now that he's here, you care about nothing.
"Kwon Ji Yong, nice name" You muttered as you took a sip from your coffee, your treat, as you walk on random streets in Seoul.
he didn't answer. For the past half an hour, he never answered. He just smiles. And smiles. And still you felt complete and fine.
"Thank you JiYong, hyung?" You hesitated, but you continued thinking that he will never answer anyway. "I..."
"It's my job kid" He finally answered the moment he stopped walking, he looked at you while saying those words. He was staring deep inside your eyes, scrutinizing you in any way possible, but still, its alright.
"Well, thank you, hyung. My life was..." You coughed, smiled at the sight of your almost empty cup and continued; "Did you ever fall in love"
"Not part of the job description. Superheroes never had a happy ending in real life" his face was serious, the glow disappeared as if he had been robbed.
"Oh. Reality. Yea Right. No Happy Endings. Those are for damn bullshit fairytale." You agree cause its the truth.
Its the truth and no one ever rubbed it on your face like what that stranger did. Nobody even came
close to that, to make reality eat you wholly that in life, nothing good lasts forever.
Well forever is even fictional, ergo, it doesn't even exist.
---
Step by step, inch by inch, day by day, you get to know this guy who appears and disappears as he pleases. No you never saw him transform, you never saw him put on a cape or a mask, you never saw him puts on a lousy, balls scratching spiderman suit, or some lame batman mask.
But he rescues people everyday, you see that. you see when he runs away from you and go to the man who was about to get hit by a truck, you saw him saved a girl from being raped, you saw him saved this old woman from a bunch of gangsters.
You see him save lives, what he doesn't know is that everyday you get to spend with him, you are saved.
your salvation is in his hands and he's never letting go of it. I'll never let go of you too. You thought.
___
"What if, I tell you I do like you, will you stay? Just be with me?" You ask one night when he drank a couple bottles of soju while you had four of it. You're drunk and that's one lame excuse for your honesty.
"Nobody lives happily ever after kid" he answered nonchalantly. You dismissed his words, took his hand into yours, playfully, interlacing every finger. When you're done with it, you closed your hand as his remained opened.You smiled like the kid that you are and said;
"Once upon a time, I held a hand just like yours. We are meant to be, I know that. I very well know that. And then..." You almost choke in your own tears, tears that shouldn't be falling.
"Kid, you need to go home"
"I'm not done yet... and then he let go of me, for another hand. Do you know how that feels? I died. I died. I never wanted to wake up. I... Choi Seung Hyun tore me apart, he left me wounded. Wounds that will never heal. But you. you just have to come by and save my sorry ass. Do you know how much I hated you?" You ranted. You cannot make yourself stop. You cannot shut your damn hole called mouth.
And so he did it for you.
His lips crashed into yours. Your eyes opened like hell did when they accepted Judas. That wide. You saw him, eyes closed, passionately forcing his lips into yours. And then you felt his tongue, you gave up. You parted yours letting him enter your mouth, him enter your space. Your hands are still intertwined as his free hand caressed your face while yours are everywhere. You actually don't know where to place it until you found his waist.
"YAAAA! You go find a room disgusting people!" It was then that you realized what you've done.
You broke the kiss by pushing him away, letting go of his hand as soon as possible.
The next thing you knew, you were running away.
Running to somewhere.
---
You go to his place. The person you have loved. The person you have shared precious moments with. the person named Choi Seung Hyun. The person who shares the same name as you.
We're meant to be
Tears flooded your entirety as you found him sitting alone outside his apartment. He was smoking again, there was a bottle of beer on the table. Just one. You concluded he was alone.
Where's the family? Where's the wife? Where's the kid? Where's the normal life? Where's all the stability in this situation?
You get your phone, dialed his number, no you never forgot. the moment his voice went on the other line, you trembled. You even thought you will collapse. How you missed that voice. That voice that soothes your soul. The voice that calms you entirely. That voice. That man. That everything that defines your existence.
"I am moving on Hyun. I am moving on. I am trying. Don't do this" were the words he uttered as he hung up, looked at where you are and just went inside in a blink of an eye.
Your eyes tear up, your weak body almost ran out of blood. That was pain right there. And you just have to experience it, again.
But even before another tear can fall from your eyes, someone wiped it away. Someone whose hands are now very familiar. Hands, skin, everything. Even his voice lingers.
"Don't do this to yourself Ri. Don't." he mutters as he pull your body so close to his, wrapped his arms around your fragile body and said; "I promised myself, if given a chance, I will save you over and over again. More than a hundred million times"
You never asked why, how, what, when, where. Things are not making sense, overwhelming hurt overcame your sanity.
But one thing is for sure. Kwon Ji Yong doesn't even have the time to think about leaving.
***
YOU MADE ME THINK YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
Made me think. And I am still thinking. The way you hold on to me, the way you place kisses in every part of my body. The way you look at me as I get out of the bed in the morning, the way you sits down on my lap, the way you embrace me as if you will never let me go.
Make me think more.
Cause even if you don't, I have my own heart to hold on to. I have my heart that beats for you. Even before you plan to jump off your apartment for a guy like Choi. Even before you knew my existence.
This heart had been beating for you.
For there's something that you don't know. You saved me. You walked into my life that day, I was still high with some mixed drugs, I was bleeding and you came. You never asked, you just came and help.
Don't you remember? You breathe in life to me, you're the source of my powers.
that's why that day, I pretended to be Superman and started saving lives. The way you saved mine. You hear me Lee Seung Hyun?
You saved me.
That's why no matter how many times I have to save you from hurt, from pain, I will.
Anyways, that's what superheroes do right? Save others and forget themselves along the way?
Well, I forgot about me. All I know is you, and how to make you happy.
Cause you, and everything around you makes me happy and defines my very existence.
parkchoongjae , my bleeding GTOP love tells me not to post GUMTOP. I need a GTOP GIF. MWHAHAHA XD and this one. Had been bugging me before I could finish the HURTING TODAE AND GDYB fic for limited people.
oxygenlove , i love you and I miss you. Too bad. I am emo. LOL I can't defend my utmost love for GTOP -____- cause TOP and DAE, crushed me.
PS. i don't know if i would like this to be an entry whatever. cause for me i fail LOL -____________- me and my low self esteem. but whatev. (I somehow corrected some typos LOL XD)