Why Must If....
be all I ever think about? Why must I constantly fight with myself until I can’t fight anymore and then I give up. Why can’t I be the person I want to be. Why do I have to stand in the same place every day wondering, wishing, hoping, crying, hating EVERYTHING about myself.
I hate that i’m intelligent but can’t put that intelligence towards anything. I hate that I fail at everything I try to succeed in.
I hate starting things and turning around and realizing that i’m not good enough to finish them.
I hate that I can’t remember my “mom’s” voice but everyone who still has their mother bitches and moans about them.
I hate that the people who called themselves my parents weren’t actually parents. They lied to me. Yeah i’m sure a lot of you go through that. But see when they lied they did it big, they promised to always be my mom, and always be my dad. I will never think of them as parents and it sucks because they’re gone now, and I have no idea what they would have said had I asked why.
I hate that I’m so fucked up I can’t have a normal relationship. I can’t be with a guy I love not emotionally because i’m so afraid he’ll leave me I feel the need to push him away and keep pushing and pushing until I’m so sure he’ll leave then I beg and plead for him to come back and when he doesn’t I blame MY ISSUES on all men.
I hate that I can’t keep the friends I make. I push everyone away, you know why? Because if I don’t then I am the one that gets thrown away like a piece of shit. I’m so tired. Tired of all of this, tired of this life. Tired of everything.
IF I could grow up
IF I use my intelligence to help me
IF I had talked to my parents
IF I had my “mom” here I would be different
IF I could love someone for real….
MY LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT