Times of Trouble
"But if somebody left you out on a ledge,
If somebody pushed you over the edge,
If somebody loved you and left you for dead
You got to hold on to your time until you break through
these times of trouble."
Beautiful words. I don't think I really have any friends that read this (although I can' t say anymore that I don't have any friends
because I think I have the greatest friends in the world) but it's one more thing to keep my mind of the present situation. Let me open up to everyone and say that emotionally I haven't been a stable individual for ten years. When I turned 16 a seemingly incident occurrence, the loss of a puppy love relationship, triggered an emotional tidal wave that has carried me along ever since. I don't believe it was that relationship that has set me into my constant state of depression but I think it was the catalyst. I have thought alot about why I am this way and the closest consideration I can arrive at is that it was a combination of how I raised (I tried to have a father but instead I had a dad) and how I was rejected by many of my peers throughout the formative years of my adolescence. In a sense, family and society were saying, "Go back to the drawing board." Things got so bad for me, the feelings so overwhelming, that I set out to wipe the slate, so to speak. Gun to mouth. That was the plan. Of course, some part of my body, wherever hope resides, set things on critical alert and I somehow managed to write a "cry for help" letter. I don't remember what it said although I remember feeling very numb that day. I quoted a few of the lyrics from Jeremy because they gave me comfort and I also remember seeing water drops bleeding into the ink and I don't recall if it was from the shower water dripping off my hair (I wrote it the morning of) or if it was from my tears, or from both. I suspect the letter has been filed away with a bunch of musty old boxes in some shrink's office basement. Who knows. Past is past I like to say. I like the reflexive nature of that. Past is past.
Anyways, this monstrous feeling of emptiness, a physical sensation that burns like my insides have been torn out and cast away, has returned and it's pretty uncanny. My life has never been better. I have more friends than I've ever known before. I have a wonderful female companion who until recently I was able to claim as my girlfriend and my life compatriot. Normally it's the end of the relationship that triggers this dread but Holly never left me. I chose to break up with her. I may never know why I chose that but I felt like life had compelled me to do so. I had spent 3.5 years keeping the monster at bay, like Bruce Banner fending off the Hulk, but something in my body said, "Jeremy, don't you think it's about time that we confront this?" Maybe it's come back because deep down I know that I'm in good hands now and in the position to kick this, and the only option for failure is if I allow myself to be taken under and swept away. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's the dread of finding out a loved one has died. It's the pain of learning you have a terminal illness and only months to live. It's the worst news and the worst sadness you could imagine. It burns. It hurts. If I were lower I'd probably use drugs to wash it all away but I know that that, like suicide, is only a copout and I'm stronger than the person who would choose the path of weaker resolve. Fuck anyone who says that I need to just suck it up and that I have nothing to be upset about. You feel what I've felt now and I've felt before, carry it for one day, and see if it wouldn't make you want to lie down on the tracks as a train comes barreling over you. The major deficit with me though, unlike most people, is that this pain does not go away. It never does. It's chronic. I wouldn't even call it depression because depression is not this painful. I'd call it utter despair. I'd call it a sensation I am tired of coping with. In the time since, there have been a few bright periods where the pain has gone into hibernation. The brilliant coping mechanism I've discovered is that to correct whatever emotional deficit in my life has left me this way has been to find someone in my life to love me and in doing so, the pain goes away. But now, like the addict who finds that the one injection just isn't quite strong enough anymore, I've found that my pain has resurfaced with a vengeance and I can't just depend on the one constant center in my life anymore. Holly, my best friend, has done wonders for me. If she weren't a factor in my life right now I would probably just expire out of pure sadness. She has gone to the ends of the Earth for me and I've placed some ungodly demands on her during our previous relationship. We still have a relationship but now it's out of a purer sense of love and devotion. But I know that things haven't been right between us for a time and we have to fix those things while remaining a relevant factor in each other's life. I owe her my life. I really do. Although the pain has returned, she is helping me keep complete dispair at bay. This is my time of greatest need.
Another individual has entered into my life and she has given me much happiness and hope for the future. I don't know her well but I know her heart and I know that it's very fragile. The physical fragility of her heart mirrors the emotional fragility of mine and I feel like I've met her in order to defeat this despair once and for all. But I've alienated her due to some extremely unkind words that were said out of utter hurt and despair and would never be representative of my beliefs. Holly, knowing how hurt I am, is willing to sacrifice what we had so that I may find salvation in this world of hurt. I would liken that sacrifice to Christ giving his body so that the world might see a better future. No more bitter days, only better days. I will always be indebted to her for giving me that gift. And I will never forget what she had done. I am hoping that this despair will pass as the sting of my hurtful and malicious words begins to resolve as subject to the healing salve of time. Given how unfair and unappreciative I have been of Holly, it only makes this present darkness that much more unbearable, but to alienate yet another person I care about, well, it's almost too much. I'm walking on thin ice or broken glass. They look the same to me.
So where do I go from here? I pray for strength. I have a strong spiritual side of me. I've never put much stock in organized religion but I think that everyone has the capacity to find a very intimate relationship with those who put us here. Life is a test. Life is a game. Life is a dilemma. Life is a party. Life is a lesson. Life is many lessons. And I"m learning one that will forever alter my outlook on life. I was told recently that if I abandon Holly, "All is lost." I know what that means and I am thankful that I don't have to confront that possibility.
Which way to go...windowsill? No. Not windowsill? Not that way. I will never go that way. As much as this pain hurts, I know that I have the inner strength to overcome it. IT's going to take alot of time and things won't be rough, but I know I can make it through. The answer, the key, is love. In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. And I've realized that I have been withholding the love that I owe to all of the people who have graced my path in life of late. I have been a terrible friend to people who would give their blood for my well-being and who genuinely care. I released a monster in saying so many terrible things that I said about my friends recently and I'm suffereing the repercussions for doing so, but I will not let that reality exist because those words have no stock from where they were spoken, meaning that the things I said were hollow, only masked barbs that each read, "I hurt." I do hurt. Kurt. Hurt. Heh. But I won't allow it any longer. Fuck this pain. I'm tired of it controlling my life. I will see it to its death and I will have no remorse. I've been tired for long enough and I've carried this burden for long enough. It's time for me to release this pain from my body and to realize my place in this world. I just pray that soon, as I've learned this most valuable of all lessons, soon I can find my peace in this world. I love life. I love my friends and my family. I love everything that has contributed to my enjoyment and I will no longer take for granted those that chose to be close to this person. I love you all and I will be here for all of you till the end.
Jeremy E.
If somebody pushed you over the edge,
If somebody loved you and left you for dead
You got to hold on to your time until you break through
these times of trouble."
Beautiful words. I don't think I really have any friends that read this (although I can' t say anymore that I don't have any friends
because I think I have the greatest friends in the world) but it's one more thing to keep my mind of the present situation. Let me open up to everyone and say that emotionally I haven't been a stable individual for ten years. When I turned 16 a seemingly incident occurrence, the loss of a puppy love relationship, triggered an emotional tidal wave that has carried me along ever since. I don't believe it was that relationship that has set me into my constant state of depression but I think it was the catalyst. I have thought alot about why I am this way and the closest consideration I can arrive at is that it was a combination of how I raised (I tried to have a father but instead I had a dad) and how I was rejected by many of my peers throughout the formative years of my adolescence. In a sense, family and society were saying, "Go back to the drawing board." Things got so bad for me, the feelings so overwhelming, that I set out to wipe the slate, so to speak. Gun to mouth. That was the plan. Of course, some part of my body, wherever hope resides, set things on critical alert and I somehow managed to write a "cry for help" letter. I don't remember what it said although I remember feeling very numb that day. I quoted a few of the lyrics from Jeremy because they gave me comfort and I also remember seeing water drops bleeding into the ink and I don't recall if it was from the shower water dripping off my hair (I wrote it the morning of) or if it was from my tears, or from both. I suspect the letter has been filed away with a bunch of musty old boxes in some shrink's office basement. Who knows. Past is past I like to say. I like the reflexive nature of that. Past is past.
Anyways, this monstrous feeling of emptiness, a physical sensation that burns like my insides have been torn out and cast away, has returned and it's pretty uncanny. My life has never been better. I have more friends than I've ever known before. I have a wonderful female companion who until recently I was able to claim as my girlfriend and my life compatriot. Normally it's the end of the relationship that triggers this dread but Holly never left me. I chose to break up with her. I may never know why I chose that but I felt like life had compelled me to do so. I had spent 3.5 years keeping the monster at bay, like Bruce Banner fending off the Hulk, but something in my body said, "Jeremy, don't you think it's about time that we confront this?" Maybe it's come back because deep down I know that I'm in good hands now and in the position to kick this, and the only option for failure is if I allow myself to be taken under and swept away. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's the dread of finding out a loved one has died. It's the pain of learning you have a terminal illness and only months to live. It's the worst news and the worst sadness you could imagine. It burns. It hurts. If I were lower I'd probably use drugs to wash it all away but I know that that, like suicide, is only a copout and I'm stronger than the person who would choose the path of weaker resolve. Fuck anyone who says that I need to just suck it up and that I have nothing to be upset about. You feel what I've felt now and I've felt before, carry it for one day, and see if it wouldn't make you want to lie down on the tracks as a train comes barreling over you. The major deficit with me though, unlike most people, is that this pain does not go away. It never does. It's chronic. I wouldn't even call it depression because depression is not this painful. I'd call it utter despair. I'd call it a sensation I am tired of coping with. In the time since, there have been a few bright periods where the pain has gone into hibernation. The brilliant coping mechanism I've discovered is that to correct whatever emotional deficit in my life has left me this way has been to find someone in my life to love me and in doing so, the pain goes away. But now, like the addict who finds that the one injection just isn't quite strong enough anymore, I've found that my pain has resurfaced with a vengeance and I can't just depend on the one constant center in my life anymore. Holly, my best friend, has done wonders for me. If she weren't a factor in my life right now I would probably just expire out of pure sadness. She has gone to the ends of the Earth for me and I've placed some ungodly demands on her during our previous relationship. We still have a relationship but now it's out of a purer sense of love and devotion. But I know that things haven't been right between us for a time and we have to fix those things while remaining a relevant factor in each other's life. I owe her my life. I really do. Although the pain has returned, she is helping me keep complete dispair at bay. This is my time of greatest need.
Another individual has entered into my life and she has given me much happiness and hope for the future. I don't know her well but I know her heart and I know that it's very fragile. The physical fragility of her heart mirrors the emotional fragility of mine and I feel like I've met her in order to defeat this despair once and for all. But I've alienated her due to some extremely unkind words that were said out of utter hurt and despair and would never be representative of my beliefs. Holly, knowing how hurt I am, is willing to sacrifice what we had so that I may find salvation in this world of hurt. I would liken that sacrifice to Christ giving his body so that the world might see a better future. No more bitter days, only better days. I will always be indebted to her for giving me that gift. And I will never forget what she had done. I am hoping that this despair will pass as the sting of my hurtful and malicious words begins to resolve as subject to the healing salve of time. Given how unfair and unappreciative I have been of Holly, it only makes this present darkness that much more unbearable, but to alienate yet another person I care about, well, it's almost too much. I'm walking on thin ice or broken glass. They look the same to me.
So where do I go from here? I pray for strength. I have a strong spiritual side of me. I've never put much stock in organized religion but I think that everyone has the capacity to find a very intimate relationship with those who put us here. Life is a test. Life is a game. Life is a dilemma. Life is a party. Life is a lesson. Life is many lessons. And I"m learning one that will forever alter my outlook on life. I was told recently that if I abandon Holly, "All is lost." I know what that means and I am thankful that I don't have to confront that possibility.
Which way to go...windowsill? No. Not windowsill? Not that way. I will never go that way. As much as this pain hurts, I know that I have the inner strength to overcome it. IT's going to take alot of time and things won't be rough, but I know I can make it through. The answer, the key, is love. In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. And I've realized that I have been withholding the love that I owe to all of the people who have graced my path in life of late. I have been a terrible friend to people who would give their blood for my well-being and who genuinely care. I released a monster in saying so many terrible things that I said about my friends recently and I'm suffereing the repercussions for doing so, but I will not let that reality exist because those words have no stock from where they were spoken, meaning that the things I said were hollow, only masked barbs that each read, "I hurt." I do hurt. Kurt. Hurt. Heh. But I won't allow it any longer. Fuck this pain. I'm tired of it controlling my life. I will see it to its death and I will have no remorse. I've been tired for long enough and I've carried this burden for long enough. It's time for me to release this pain from my body and to realize my place in this world. I just pray that soon, as I've learned this most valuable of all lessons, soon I can find my peace in this world. I love life. I love my friends and my family. I love everything that has contributed to my enjoyment and I will no longer take for granted those that chose to be close to this person. I love you all and I will be here for all of you till the end.
Jeremy E.