Uncomfortable Honesty, Some Happy Thrown In For Good Measure
Sleepyish. Thought I should report in that I am fine. Not locking myself in, gratefully, sweetly scooped up last night for movies with Pre-Husband Boyfriend Back On The Scene After Many Years.(can you parse that?) Lunch today with another good friend, soothing steady happy restoring. I am okay.
Still thinking about choices and judgment and repetition of patterns. How what is not normal feels normal when it's all you've ever known. So hard to overcome the tendency to revert to the familiar. Even harder than that to figure out what to fill the void of familiar with, when familiar clearly isn't healthy. ugh.
Working on other uncomfortable questions, mostly around whether (or not) I asked to be treated the way I was. Does I am not a nice boy qualify as fair warning, really? How many different things can that mean, and was it my own fault that I didn't interpret it to mean what I got? I don't know. I said in another post that I got what I asked for, but, no I did not ask for what he did. I did invite him to spend time and share space, though, and I offered him my self. He took what it was worth to him and for that reason I believe I got what I deserved, in a deep, cringing self mortified place. I am not worthy of more, in his view. And because I value his ideas and opinions, I am not worthy of more, in my view.
Tired of thinking about this for now. Packing up for a walk in the sunshine. Later, a poem, perhaps, about the Jeanne D'Arc overpass, that's been bumping around in my head since last night.
Also! Not to be forgotten amidst all of this stupidity, the friday night that came *before* the nasty stuff, book launch for Glengarry, was a lot of fun. The parts I am not totally embarrassed by, anyway. realllllllly need to work on reining in my nervous tendency to become a hyper 15 year old in stressful social situations. Which, by now, events at the Carleton with this particular crowd should not be, but I had behind the scenes preamble with Boy Number One causing me awkward giddy uncertain angst at that point. HA! Imagine if I'd known where that was going to wind up! Love that marvelous Chief1ic showed up, silly delightful surprise, more time with him is always welcome. And gleeful that I had brief opportunity, when not totally in the grip of Hyper 15yrold Syndrome, to have some semblance of real conversation with much admired CM. (drunken journal handing hubris! AAAAACK!)
Finally, the enchantment of Glengarry. Not quite finished my first full read through, and will require 2 or 3 more in quick succession, poking through layers of words and worlds. My favourite pages, passages, shift and slide from moment to moment, all absorbing. Find it. Buy it. Read it. Love it.
Still thinking about choices and judgment and repetition of patterns. How what is not normal feels normal when it's all you've ever known. So hard to overcome the tendency to revert to the familiar. Even harder than that to figure out what to fill the void of familiar with, when familiar clearly isn't healthy. ugh.
Working on other uncomfortable questions, mostly around whether (or not) I asked to be treated the way I was. Does I am not a nice boy qualify as fair warning, really? How many different things can that mean, and was it my own fault that I didn't interpret it to mean what I got? I don't know. I said in another post that I got what I asked for, but, no I did not ask for what he did. I did invite him to spend time and share space, though, and I offered him my self. He took what it was worth to him and for that reason I believe I got what I deserved, in a deep, cringing self mortified place. I am not worthy of more, in his view. And because I value his ideas and opinions, I am not worthy of more, in my view.
Tired of thinking about this for now. Packing up for a walk in the sunshine. Later, a poem, perhaps, about the Jeanne D'Arc overpass, that's been bumping around in my head since last night.
Also! Not to be forgotten amidst all of this stupidity, the friday night that came *before* the nasty stuff, book launch for Glengarry, was a lot of fun. The parts I am not totally embarrassed by, anyway. realllllllly need to work on reining in my nervous tendency to become a hyper 15 year old in stressful social situations. Which, by now, events at the Carleton with this particular crowd should not be, but I had behind the scenes preamble with Boy Number One causing me awkward giddy uncertain angst at that point. HA! Imagine if I'd known where that was going to wind up! Love that marvelous Chief1ic showed up, silly delightful surprise, more time with him is always welcome. And gleeful that I had brief opportunity, when not totally in the grip of Hyper 15yrold Syndrome, to have some semblance of real conversation with much admired CM. (drunken journal handing hubris! AAAAACK!)
Finally, the enchantment of Glengarry. Not quite finished my first full read through, and will require 2 or 3 more in quick succession, poking through layers of words and worlds. My favourite pages, passages, shift and slide from moment to moment, all absorbing. Find it. Buy it. Read it. Love it.