Reflecting
Week 36, Day 2
Baby moved around a lot today, pushing and stretching the walls of my uterus. It's almost getting to be too much; I seem to be reaching the stage in my pregnancy they always say will come. I'm eager for this baby to emerge, eager for my belly to return to its usual size.
I also got accosted when I got off the bus today downtown. A young black woman, possibly homeless, possibly mentally ill, started following and yelling at me: "Bitch you pregnant? You pregnant, bitch? You pregnant?" She repeated these lines over and over again, and I kept walking straight, not making eye contact. Eventually I spoke back, "Yes, I am. Please leave me alone." Nobody came to help when it was happening. I felt alone, vulnerable, and scared for the life of this baby.
But I also felt conflicted. It made me sad to know that this woman probably needed some help, also. I'm probably not going to be the one to give her that help.
A few more interesting things. Hannah is coming over this Saturday, and I've been reflecting on those first few months after returning to the US from Indonesia. I articulated those feelings to Mitch today and I realize it has been a while since I've really processed those emotions: reverse culture shock, feelings of regret, wondering who my friends are, unemployed, useless, unable to connect, and not understanding why Mitch's best friend of the past two years didn't seem to want anything to do with me. My self-esteem plummeted that year. I wondered what she had that I didn't, why I couldn't be more intellectual like her. All irrational thoughts, but to this day I feel plagued with those emotions.
Years later in our second year of grad school together (which, by the way, was another coincidence of overlap) she would admit to me that her coldness was deliberate and intentional, that she regretted it, but that she was cold precisely because she was intimidated by me. Mitch had said all these positive things about me, and she didn't know how to feel about it.
I was clearly intimidated, too. Would that have been the case if she had been warm from the beginning? Would those feelings of jealousy and confusion still linger to this day?
Why do women do this to one another?
I should be over it by now, and for the most part I am. But part of me doesn't have the closure I need. I still regret that we aren't friends, though every fiber in my being believes that we could have been great friends in a different time and place. I know this because we seem to have several friends in common beyond Mitch.
She handwrote a letter in response to our baby announcement email. Says she thinks about us a lot. So I agreed to it when Mitch invited her to lunch, even encouraged Mitch to do so. So she and Meng are coming over for lunch on Saturday. We'll see how it goes.