(no subject)
I realized something, my mom's Facebook looks like she only has one child. His name is Rusty, he's 17.
I cry and the end of Brave because I know that I will never ever have that with my mom. I didn't have a mom who hugged me and told me she loved me and that I could do anything. I just got "Fashion school? Not a good idea." when I discovered that I love designing clothes and that I can sew and there's a school I wanted to go to in California. "that's not a good job for this economy." when I wanted to go to culinary school because I would rather cook than do anything in the world."You should be a teacher" when I said again and again I didn't want to be one. I just want her to be proud of me. That's why I cry at Brave. But I'm ashamed to say it, so I just let everyone think it's because I'm crier and I do that sort of thing.
I'm not anybody's first choice. If you ask anyone who their best friend is, nobody will say Allyson first. I don't know how long it's been like this, but I just realized it. No one will choose me over anyone else. Not even my mother. I'm last and least important.
I am too broken for anyone to fix.
I am too afraid to let anyone get close.
I am living in a vicious circle.
I don't know what I'm good for. I feel like I'm just a wad of problems and I get in the way with my feelings.
I wish I wasn't here, but I don't want to be anywhere else. I just want to be gone.
I'm posting this here because at least I can still put how I feel on my livejournal without being scolded for it, or people thinking I'm just saying this to be melodramatic or for the attention. Because this is how I feel. And I honestly feel like my life isn't worth living right now and I just wish it was over.
I wish I hurt as much on the outside as I do on the inside.
I cry and the end of Brave because I know that I will never ever have that with my mom. I didn't have a mom who hugged me and told me she loved me and that I could do anything. I just got "Fashion school? Not a good idea." when I discovered that I love designing clothes and that I can sew and there's a school I wanted to go to in California. "that's not a good job for this economy." when I wanted to go to culinary school because I would rather cook than do anything in the world."You should be a teacher" when I said again and again I didn't want to be one. I just want her to be proud of me. That's why I cry at Brave. But I'm ashamed to say it, so I just let everyone think it's because I'm crier and I do that sort of thing.
I'm not anybody's first choice. If you ask anyone who their best friend is, nobody will say Allyson first. I don't know how long it's been like this, but I just realized it. No one will choose me over anyone else. Not even my mother. I'm last and least important.
I am too broken for anyone to fix.
I am too afraid to let anyone get close.
I am living in a vicious circle.
I don't know what I'm good for. I feel like I'm just a wad of problems and I get in the way with my feelings.
I wish I wasn't here, but I don't want to be anywhere else. I just want to be gone.
I'm posting this here because at least I can still put how I feel on my livejournal without being scolded for it, or people thinking I'm just saying this to be melodramatic or for the attention. Because this is how I feel. And I honestly feel like my life isn't worth living right now and I just wish it was over.
I wish I hurt as much on the outside as I do on the inside.