Identity and communities and labeling
I started this essay on queer identity, specifically, but as many of you no doubt know, I have an identity kink, especially when it comes to my identity, so other things crept in. I was talking with
thriceandonce and
parakapodfic on Twitter about these issues, so I’m going to try to present some of what we talked about here and hope they will chime in as well.
I want to say upfront that I am queer, but really, it doesn’t have much of an impact on my life because I ended up with a man and I “pass”. What does it mean that I’m queer is a completely different issue and one of the reasons I always get so irritated when people give a rat’s ass about what other people do in the privacy of their own bedroom with consenting partner(s) or in their own minds. I went through a phase where I labeled myself “bi” and then I gave up that label because after being with a man for so long, it didn’t feel relevant, never mind that I had never had a physically intimate relationship with a woman. After being with one man for over 18 years, labels feel less and less relevant to me, but maybe that’s only because I don’t need the support of a community (dh and I never talk about my sexual identity, but I don’t feel the need to either) and perhaps I don’t see labels that feel appropriate. A couple years ago I read the term “genderqueer” and that felt like the best fit to me, but I didn’t dwell on it. I tend to like “queer” the best. So, that’s my context. Here are some of the things we touched on in our Twitter convo.
Thriceandonce tweeted this innocent little gem: *daydreams about world where everyone is queer and various shades of asexual are perfectly normal & common* and bam, we were off.
We talked about acceptance of different shades/flavors of sexuality, how hard it is to come out (for a variety of reasons not even related to support - like, if the labels out there don’t seem like they fit you or if you don’t fit the community standards of “being born this way”). We talked about passing and honesty and being called on the carpet for it.
We touched on communities and that made me think of this
podficmeta discussion . It seems that communities sometimes are at odds with individual’s needs.
Now I am having thoughts about identity in general and interacting with communities because I’ve never felt like I fit in, anywhere. I have wondered for years if being an identical twin had an impact on this, or if the fact that we moved around so much did.
I had a realization a few years ago that just because I *was* a mother, it didn’t mean it subsumed my identity. The older I get, the more clarity I get, I’m beginning to define myself as an artist. I’m all about creative self-expression, whatever form it might take.
Today, as my eight year old was drawing by herself and being interrupted by a toddler whose mother was not interfering, I had thoughts about labeling, being broken, and wanting to fit in. I felt she was judging me for my parenting, but tried to let that go. This is not someone I see often. Anyway, as I was feeling judged, it occurred to me that I was putting certain labels on myself that made me feel broken (something that
thriceandonce alluded to) and I thought to myself, why am I using that broken yardstick again?
I think what it comes down to for me is this: I am not defined by what I am, but by what I do. I am a (fill in the blank here), but the things I do are what connect me to people. I don’t want to be in communities that don’t see me or make me feel broken. I have definitely found individuals that accept me fully, but I have yet to find a community where I feel wholly seen.
So, this got completely out of control. There is probably a book’s worth of material here, but I can’t suss it out right now. So, talk to me! Tell me what you think about identity and fitting in and participating in communities.
Oh, god, I didn’t really talk about that bit, did I? In the podficmeta entry, someone who writes fanfic was trying to make the argument that she didn’t really have to participate in the community of fandom. I cannot find the exact comment, maybe someone else can? But it recently struck me that one can often choose exactly which communities they participate in and which they don’t. If you don’t want to participate in fandom, don’t post and don’t comment. Simple. Or is it?
I am pretty tired and this meta essay just keeps getting more and more ridiculous, so I’m posting it and people can tell me I’m full of shit or whatever, but I need to get it out and move on. I would love to hear from you all. Let me know if you would feel more comfortable if I lock it. Going to bed now, so feel free to have fun in the comments without me!
Also, I recorded a passage from Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson. It's about 12 minutes long and a little rough in some spots, but it is one of my all time favorite passages and I realized it is breakfast cereal kink, competency kink, science kink and rated G. You can find it here.
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