Where Freedom Lies
Contentment eludes me. I've fooled myself with complacency, but how can someone who does not develop be happy? A one time act of rebellion against tradition has trapped me in... what? Fear? Denial? Laziness? It's time to borrow a philosophy from Frosty Robert and be bold.
I'm not writing enough. I'm reading like mad lately which is great, but while there's plenty of influx, there's little to no efflux. Instead creative energies are being channeled into addictions such as Warcraft and WoW and World of Warcraft and that MMORPG where you craft war against other players. It's a new year and a new opportunity to rediscover forgotten interests.
I admire the LJ peeps who post multiple times a month. That's a habit I need to nurture. Even if it's pointless BS (and let's face it, most of LJ is), at least I'm exercising that awesome little part of my brain that creates. I'm pretty sure it's not completely rotten yet. Hm... *pokes it with a stick* Wake up, you little bitch!
There was a brief flash of artistic talent that burst from my uncultured fingertips during the first couple months of college. I had just moved into the all male dorms and was drowning in a torrent of fraternal testosterone. To some perspectives, that might sound sexy as hell, so let's bring the focus to keyword "drowning". I was a closeted virgin who didn't know who he was or what he wanted from college, from life. Tension, fear, loneliness, frustration were all building inside me with no focus on which to release it. I started drawing. I don't know why or how, but suddenly I could put a pencil to paper and produce something beautiful. No hint of this talent had ever manifested before. It was an absolute rush. Eventually I fell in with the theater crowd, tumbled out of the closet, and met the former love of my life. The talent faded. The drawings stopped. I want it back.
Speaking of theater.. no. Moving right along.
I hate traveling. What a giant pain in the ass. I love, however, visiting new places, experiencing new things, meeting new people. Being taken so far away from my apartment that hiding from the world is simply not an option is wonderful! It's the getting there, the dealing with the travel industry and other tourists that is so completely rank. This is a huge part of why I spend so much time on WoW. I love exploring the world Blizzard has created. There's so many beautiful, amazing things to see in the game with other players from all over the country; why leave the house? Of course a lot of the less fantastic scenery is actually based on real places. I wanna see those places. I wanna meet those people sans the spells and swordplay. Ultimately the pros outweigh the cons. Must endeavor to travel more. Also, this is an area where the new journaling habit needs to take a firm hold. Over the past several years, I've had my first experiences of major travel: Hawaii, Philippines, New York City and Disney World. Each of those vacations brought forth this amazing energy. Unfortunately, it's sucked right out of me within days of returning to Chicago with no record of having ever existed. I've never been much of a photographer which is fine since I'm surrounded by people who are, but I need to write. I need to put that energy to text before it fades or is lost completely.
Lastly, I want a boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, I know I've spent copious amounts of time and words paying lip service to the joys and freedoms of being single, and I'm not refuting any of it. The thirties, however, have brought a new perspective to the table. The little games I play with myself: waiting, hiding, pretending. I tire of them, so it's time for this boy to get aggressive. The dating scene still leaves a horrid aftertaste, but not every Jelly Belly tastes like rotten egg. Or vomit. Or earthworm. Or earwax. Damn.
There it is. I made resolutions. For the first time since 1999 when I resolved to never make another resolution, I've gone and embraced a holiday tradition. Damn, again.
Jt
I'm not writing enough. I'm reading like mad lately which is great, but while there's plenty of influx, there's little to no efflux. Instead creative energies are being channeled into addictions such as Warcraft and WoW and World of Warcraft and that MMORPG where you craft war against other players. It's a new year and a new opportunity to rediscover forgotten interests.
I admire the LJ peeps who post multiple times a month. That's a habit I need to nurture. Even if it's pointless BS (and let's face it, most of LJ is), at least I'm exercising that awesome little part of my brain that creates. I'm pretty sure it's not completely rotten yet. Hm... *pokes it with a stick* Wake up, you little bitch!
There was a brief flash of artistic talent that burst from my uncultured fingertips during the first couple months of college. I had just moved into the all male dorms and was drowning in a torrent of fraternal testosterone. To some perspectives, that might sound sexy as hell, so let's bring the focus to keyword "drowning". I was a closeted virgin who didn't know who he was or what he wanted from college, from life. Tension, fear, loneliness, frustration were all building inside me with no focus on which to release it. I started drawing. I don't know why or how, but suddenly I could put a pencil to paper and produce something beautiful. No hint of this talent had ever manifested before. It was an absolute rush. Eventually I fell in with the theater crowd, tumbled out of the closet, and met the former love of my life. The talent faded. The drawings stopped. I want it back.
Speaking of theater.. no. Moving right along.
I hate traveling. What a giant pain in the ass. I love, however, visiting new places, experiencing new things, meeting new people. Being taken so far away from my apartment that hiding from the world is simply not an option is wonderful! It's the getting there, the dealing with the travel industry and other tourists that is so completely rank. This is a huge part of why I spend so much time on WoW. I love exploring the world Blizzard has created. There's so many beautiful, amazing things to see in the game with other players from all over the country; why leave the house? Of course a lot of the less fantastic scenery is actually based on real places. I wanna see those places. I wanna meet those people sans the spells and swordplay. Ultimately the pros outweigh the cons. Must endeavor to travel more. Also, this is an area where the new journaling habit needs to take a firm hold. Over the past several years, I've had my first experiences of major travel: Hawaii, Philippines, New York City and Disney World. Each of those vacations brought forth this amazing energy. Unfortunately, it's sucked right out of me within days of returning to Chicago with no record of having ever existed. I've never been much of a photographer which is fine since I'm surrounded by people who are, but I need to write. I need to put that energy to text before it fades or is lost completely.
Lastly, I want a boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, I know I've spent copious amounts of time and words paying lip service to the joys and freedoms of being single, and I'm not refuting any of it. The thirties, however, have brought a new perspective to the table. The little games I play with myself: waiting, hiding, pretending. I tire of them, so it's time for this boy to get aggressive. The dating scene still leaves a horrid aftertaste, but not every Jelly Belly tastes like rotten egg. Or vomit. Or earthworm. Or earwax. Damn.
There it is. I made resolutions. For the first time since 1999 when I resolved to never make another resolution, I've gone and embraced a holiday tradition. Damn, again.
Jt