Merry Christmas Jeff!
Hi my Sweetie....
Well, i suppose the very least i could do is write to you on Christmas, huh? I've been really bad with writing to you - but Lord knows I talk enough to you.... It certainly doesn't seem like you're hearing me - but then again, who even knows if all of that is true anyway - maybe it is ashes to ashes kinda thing..... I'm clueless...
Well, it's, as we used to put it, Christmas Eve Eve. And yet another Christmas is coming without you in it. It certainly hasn't gotten any better or easier, that's for friggan sure... To me, it just seems so much worse because so much time has passed and you're farther and farther away...
Your room doesn't smell like you anymore and that's really hard to take... the farther we get away from when you died, i honestly feel like I feel worse... everyone has gotten back to their lives.... if it weren't for Grandma, there wouldn't have even been a service on 11/7 - as it was, there wasn't... it was a few days after......
Everyone else is so lucky in one respect... you were important to them in one way or another, but it didn't really ALTER the way they live, u know? It's a very sad memory, an "Oh Remember Jeff... wow, I miss him" and then onto other things.....
But it's so different for me.... as i suppose it should be, since I was your Mommy... so much inside me has died with you.... it's especially worse this time of year that's for sure..... the memories of Christmas Days gone by - one through thirteen - you didn't make it to your fourteenth...
and then it's Happy New Year - 2008 - a year I've been writing on all of your school papers since you started school - your graduating year.... it blows me completely away.
Mattie's in Grad school, Alex in College and Hilary in high school - she's driving and has a job!....a lot of your friends will be graduating this year - or have quit school or are mommies and daddies themselves!
So everything has moved on and changed... well, except me. That's probably not considered "healthy" - but well, it is what it is.....and whoa did i come close to "seeing" you - but that's not meant to be either.... so I'm stuck here on Earth - getting up every day and trying to make the most of it... but I'm just a little tiny shadow of what I was (although physically I'm fatter! lol)...
Other Moms that have lost a child, or children, that I talk with have said that they've felt almost exactly as I feel... something I'm not happy about, but it keeps me from thinking that I've completely given up and have lost what's left of my mind.
So - that's really about it from here.... what a happy and uplifting letter, huh? But well, i was already crying and i figured I'd say Merry Christmas to you while i was already crying, cuz - well, if i started a letter w/out crying - it wouldn't be long before I was.... does that even make sense?
I hope you're up in Heaven... and I hope you're with Vavor and My Dad and Stephen's Dad and all of the family and friends who have gone.... it's that whole "FAITH" part.... do I have Faith to believe that that's what happens when people die - the whole Angels and Heaven and Guardian Angels and God and Mary and Joseph and Jesus.
I'm not doing the woe is me - much! But hey, it's my journal, i get to write what i want - and I just really want to tell you that I miss you More than ANYONE could ever know.... I miss your fantastic smile and your goofy words and you driving me nuts! lol
I miss not having Christmas Eve with you and Christmas Morning... and buying the presents... shit, we don't even have a tree up this year... Poor Stephen didn't even put up his favorite LIGHTS..... it's a very strange existence... that's for sure...
I've lost touch with a lot of people, and that's definitely My Fault! But it's so hard to get on the phone with people sometimes - hearing how their life is going on - and what they're looking forward to and their kids doing this etc etc..... Not that I was much of a phone person BEFORE you died! I feel bad about it - Guilt is something I have a LOT of... so - just pile the loss of people in my life on top of that.... cuz that's my fault definitely.....
So - Merry Christmas my Jeffy - you should see some of the Electronic stuff that's out now - you'd be into all of it!... and Happy New Year...I love you and I miss you so much.....
Sending you Love and Hugs and Kisses.... xoxoxo MomMoms