Three Freakin' YEARS! ugh
October 23, 2007
Hey Journal....Hey my Jeff,
It's been WAY too long since I've written here... It's been difficult getting to your website lately - I'm chalking it up to that crappy awful day coming up soon. November 7th - 3 friggan years???
No Hugs - No Smiles or Laughter from you - NO YOU... no Senior year... no driver's license... no nothing..... No joy in my heart when I see you come home.... basically, just no Joy.... man - It's a killer i gotta tell ya....
I would have thought that MAYBE by now, things would be "Better" maybe... They're DIFFERENT, that's for sure - but no way any better... Then again, what do I do with all the Love and Joy and Laughter and Care that I have for you...? It doesn't go away... it's all still there -
God, i completely HATE the person I am now... I'm this nobody... this worthless, whining, fat, non-producing member of society who can't even get in the fluckin' car and get groceries! I'm like the complete opposite of who i was.... people say it's temporary blah blah blah... but who the hell knows, u know?....
But I guess Life has continued to go on - for so many - and I'm just not strong enought to be able to do it! YET? Who knows?? I always thought of myself as a STRONG person - well, guess what - NOPE! Oh well, the things we learn about one's self is certainly not always good, u know?
I can't type anymore babe... I'm weary - and so tired... and so weepy... and just so DONE with feeling this way.... It's so not a fun way to live... Perhaps it IS my fault for not picking myself up by the "bootstraps" and trudging along until I can "function" - I tried... still am....
But I think of the day you were born - and the day you walked and the day you talked (and... never stopped LOL) - and your smile and your laugh and your "oddness" and your "unique-ness" and your freakin' HUMOR - and the sadness that you went through that I KNOW only you really know how sad you were.... looking down the street and seeing you walk up to meet me and how you just ambled along.... your gorgeous blonde - dyed black hair.... your goofy faces... so many hugs - so much laughter... and of course - the aggro - i'm not blind enough - or put you on a pedastal yet to think you were the PERFECT CHILD... but who cared? I love you and LOVED you with every fiber of my being... always did - always will.....
Happy Halloween in Heaven.... prolly a Ninja again, eh? I Love You My Angel...I miss you more than I could ever put into words.... Please watch over Matt, Alex and Hilary - and Stephen - and our Family and our Friends... they need you too....
Much Love - Much Sadness - Sometimes - Much Laughter at the Memories...
I could have NEVER have asked for a BETTER SON - ever...
xoxoxoxo Mom (God, I so miss that little 3 letter word....)
Hey Journal....Hey my Jeff,
It's been WAY too long since I've written here... It's been difficult getting to your website lately - I'm chalking it up to that crappy awful day coming up soon. November 7th - 3 friggan years???
No Hugs - No Smiles or Laughter from you - NO YOU... no Senior year... no driver's license... no nothing..... No joy in my heart when I see you come home.... basically, just no Joy.... man - It's a killer i gotta tell ya....
I would have thought that MAYBE by now, things would be "Better" maybe... They're DIFFERENT, that's for sure - but no way any better... Then again, what do I do with all the Love and Joy and Laughter and Care that I have for you...? It doesn't go away... it's all still there -
God, i completely HATE the person I am now... I'm this nobody... this worthless, whining, fat, non-producing member of society who can't even get in the fluckin' car and get groceries! I'm like the complete opposite of who i was.... people say it's temporary blah blah blah... but who the hell knows, u know?....
But I guess Life has continued to go on - for so many - and I'm just not strong enought to be able to do it! YET? Who knows?? I always thought of myself as a STRONG person - well, guess what - NOPE! Oh well, the things we learn about one's self is certainly not always good, u know?
I can't type anymore babe... I'm weary - and so tired... and so weepy... and just so DONE with feeling this way.... It's so not a fun way to live... Perhaps it IS my fault for not picking myself up by the "bootstraps" and trudging along until I can "function" - I tried... still am....
But I think of the day you were born - and the day you walked and the day you talked (and... never stopped LOL) - and your smile and your laugh and your "oddness" and your "unique-ness" and your freakin' HUMOR - and the sadness that you went through that I KNOW only you really know how sad you were.... looking down the street and seeing you walk up to meet me and how you just ambled along.... your gorgeous blonde - dyed black hair.... your goofy faces... so many hugs - so much laughter... and of course - the aggro - i'm not blind enough - or put you on a pedastal yet to think you were the PERFECT CHILD... but who cared? I love you and LOVED you with every fiber of my being... always did - always will.....
Happy Halloween in Heaven.... prolly a Ninja again, eh? I Love You My Angel...I miss you more than I could ever put into words.... Please watch over Matt, Alex and Hilary - and Stephen - and our Family and our Friends... they need you too....
Much Love - Much Sadness - Sometimes - Much Laughter at the Memories...
I could have NEVER have asked for a BETTER SON - ever...
xoxoxoxo Mom (God, I so miss that little 3 letter word....)