Happy Easter - 2007
Hiya Kiddo - Well another Easter has come and gone... No easter egg hunt this year again... It was a rough one this year - the day before was the 7th and Sunday was the day you died and well... it all still sucks my Sweetie!... I had so much to write down, but I decided today to Paste a reply to someone who sent me a letter - she was very well-meaning and I was glad that she was thinking about you and me... but she is someone who hasn't lost a child - and she spoke of closure and moving on, etc.... Oh man, if it was only that EASY - cuz if it was, shit - I'd have done it by now! Lord know I hate "feeling" the way I do - the pain the anguish the Missing you.....
I certainly don't WANT to feel this way... but - well, you Upped and left me Jeffers... what the hell?!... I know Easter "up there" had to be a joyous celebration for you all.... well, at least I hope it's all that they say it is up there!!! But.... who knows really - Faith is a shaky thing, that's for sure.... Well my sweetie - I love you more today than i did yesterday... That won't ever change... How could it! Hilary is turning 16 this week!! OMG... time just still goes on..... Ok, here's the reply I sent - it kinda sums up everything about how I am, or how i'm feeling... Sending you my Love as Always... xoxoxox Mom
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Thank you for this letter of care, love and concern....
I do understand what you're saying and I know all that you say "sounds" like it can be done - albeit with some time....and if it was something that I could actually DO, trust me, I would DO it!
I'm glad you don't completely understand because you would have to lose a child to completely "get it".... and Thank God that isn't something you have to "deal" with in your life... Thank GOD!
I've been on this road for awhile now and have met so many other moms and dads who are in the same boat... and it's basically the same thing, same feelings, yet different stories and different ways of coping....
With Jeff being my Only Child and my whole adult life revolved around what he was doing, who he was chilling with, how he was feeling, etc etc.... when he died - everything stopped - like a dead end in the road because as you know, Moms lives run Parallel to their children... Newborn to Toddler to Preschool to Grade School and all that goes with that - baseball, bullies, cuts, bone breaks, happiness, sadness, grades, studying, clothes, fads, girls, etc etc...
and when I found him hanging in his closet that day - the road that I had been on for years and years came to a complete Dead End - with a very thick brick wall... I've tried going through it, around it, over it.... I've done counseling, support groups, medication, reading etc etc etc....
and the general consensus from my counselors and doctors and books and other moms and my own person feelings is that this isn't you can "deal" with - there is no "closure" when it comes to your child dying - ever.... You just go on in your life and try to survive... and feel all that you are feeling....
I used to have bad WEEKS on end of being under the covers and not going anywhere, I've "run away" cross country from WA to MA to go "home" to be with my family, I've contemplated suicide many times - I then went to having a bad Week - then a bad day... now sometimes i only have a bad 1/2 a day....
I get out more now... but it all just boils down to that ONE THING - the one person who I had unconditional love for - who was my baby who grew into a young man and was the light of my life - my reason for being for SO LONG - is just GONE forever....
No more hugs, no more smiles, no more EVER... there is no closure... because how can you CLOSE those feelings? You just don't - you incorporate them into your "NEW" life and try and survive... I have met so many Moms who after 8 years of losing their child, they have either committed suicide or end up in mental hospitals - I know some moms who still after 4 years think their child is on vacation - I know others who fill up their time with SO MUCh that they can't feel or think....
Stephen and I are trying to go on... and we are... hey - we're still here and we love each other and I'm a lucky to have him and my dogs and my beautiful home and food to eat and i'm Thankful for my Family back East who never forget me.. - see, I've ALWAYS lived my life "Hey, you know, it could always be worse"..... and i suppose it could be... but a lot of the time it's hard to see that when your child is just a box of ashes, u know?
As far as meds, well my Psychiatrist and Counselor are adament that I stay on what I'm on - it's lower than it was - but I suffer from Clinical Depression (big surprize), but the big one is the Post Traumatic Stress... Moms aren't supposed to see their child dead... and the nightmares and the sweats and the panic are just almost unbearable....and trust me, it does NOT block out the pain... no way... I was on a Valium type med that made me all woozy and stupid and sleepy and I knew that it was completely "unhealthy" to NOT FEEL...
Humor has helped me alot - and time of course.... and family and friends who are still around, cuz you wouldn't believe the ones that actually AVOID me in grocery stores - it's amazing...
Holidays and Jeff's Birthday and Heaven date will ALWAYS be extremely difficult because of the memories and the knowing that there will NEVER be another one with my child... and this weekend was the 7th; a Sunday (the day he died) and a Holiday... triple whammy...
As far as putting my Jeff's site everywhere and anywhere - well, that's just cuz there is absolutely NO WAY i want him to be forgotten, you know? No way... it's like the only JOB left as a Mom that I have.... and when people visit and comment and when Moms and Dads who have lost children have said that my site has helped them so much.... well, that makes my heart smile....
I get very down in the black hole of sad and depression... but not as down into the hole as I used to.... and i have my Up days.... I've always been known as either Mel, Auntie Mel or Jeff's Mom.... One identity is completely "gone" and that's a tough one too....
Ok - enuf of my Novel.... I do know others suffer with so many other things...pain, disease, cancers... and my heart and prayers and thoughts are always with them because I'd love for everyone to "feel" great!... but that's quite idealistic, and that's not me... I'm not pessimistic either.... I guess I'm coasting.... and this group helps me, my website is therapy, my journal is also "therapy".... but down to brass tacks - my son is Dead forever.... and that's something that i will never "get over"...i will, and have, learned to survive through it so far.... and that's a good thing...
(((Hugs))) my friend and Thank You.... xoxoxo Mel
I certainly don't WANT to feel this way... but - well, you Upped and left me Jeffers... what the hell?!... I know Easter "up there" had to be a joyous celebration for you all.... well, at least I hope it's all that they say it is up there!!! But.... who knows really - Faith is a shaky thing, that's for sure.... Well my sweetie - I love you more today than i did yesterday... That won't ever change... How could it! Hilary is turning 16 this week!! OMG... time just still goes on..... Ok, here's the reply I sent - it kinda sums up everything about how I am, or how i'm feeling... Sending you my Love as Always... xoxoxox Mom
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for this letter of care, love and concern....
I do understand what you're saying and I know all that you say "sounds" like it can be done - albeit with some time....and if it was something that I could actually DO, trust me, I would DO it!
I'm glad you don't completely understand because you would have to lose a child to completely "get it".... and Thank God that isn't something you have to "deal" with in your life... Thank GOD!
I've been on this road for awhile now and have met so many other moms and dads who are in the same boat... and it's basically the same thing, same feelings, yet different stories and different ways of coping....
With Jeff being my Only Child and my whole adult life revolved around what he was doing, who he was chilling with, how he was feeling, etc etc.... when he died - everything stopped - like a dead end in the road because as you know, Moms lives run Parallel to their children... Newborn to Toddler to Preschool to Grade School and all that goes with that - baseball, bullies, cuts, bone breaks, happiness, sadness, grades, studying, clothes, fads, girls, etc etc...
and when I found him hanging in his closet that day - the road that I had been on for years and years came to a complete Dead End - with a very thick brick wall... I've tried going through it, around it, over it.... I've done counseling, support groups, medication, reading etc etc etc....
and the general consensus from my counselors and doctors and books and other moms and my own person feelings is that this isn't you can "deal" with - there is no "closure" when it comes to your child dying - ever.... You just go on in your life and try to survive... and feel all that you are feeling....
I used to have bad WEEKS on end of being under the covers and not going anywhere, I've "run away" cross country from WA to MA to go "home" to be with my family, I've contemplated suicide many times - I then went to having a bad Week - then a bad day... now sometimes i only have a bad 1/2 a day....
I get out more now... but it all just boils down to that ONE THING - the one person who I had unconditional love for - who was my baby who grew into a young man and was the light of my life - my reason for being for SO LONG - is just GONE forever....
No more hugs, no more smiles, no more EVER... there is no closure... because how can you CLOSE those feelings? You just don't - you incorporate them into your "NEW" life and try and survive... I have met so many Moms who after 8 years of losing their child, they have either committed suicide or end up in mental hospitals - I know some moms who still after 4 years think their child is on vacation - I know others who fill up their time with SO MUCh that they can't feel or think....
Stephen and I are trying to go on... and we are... hey - we're still here and we love each other and I'm a lucky to have him and my dogs and my beautiful home and food to eat and i'm Thankful for my Family back East who never forget me.. - see, I've ALWAYS lived my life "Hey, you know, it could always be worse"..... and i suppose it could be... but a lot of the time it's hard to see that when your child is just a box of ashes, u know?
As far as meds, well my Psychiatrist and Counselor are adament that I stay on what I'm on - it's lower than it was - but I suffer from Clinical Depression (big surprize), but the big one is the Post Traumatic Stress... Moms aren't supposed to see their child dead... and the nightmares and the sweats and the panic are just almost unbearable....and trust me, it does NOT block out the pain... no way... I was on a Valium type med that made me all woozy and stupid and sleepy and I knew that it was completely "unhealthy" to NOT FEEL...
Humor has helped me alot - and time of course.... and family and friends who are still around, cuz you wouldn't believe the ones that actually AVOID me in grocery stores - it's amazing...
Holidays and Jeff's Birthday and Heaven date will ALWAYS be extremely difficult because of the memories and the knowing that there will NEVER be another one with my child... and this weekend was the 7th; a Sunday (the day he died) and a Holiday... triple whammy...
As far as putting my Jeff's site everywhere and anywhere - well, that's just cuz there is absolutely NO WAY i want him to be forgotten, you know? No way... it's like the only JOB left as a Mom that I have.... and when people visit and comment and when Moms and Dads who have lost children have said that my site has helped them so much.... well, that makes my heart smile....
I get very down in the black hole of sad and depression... but not as down into the hole as I used to.... and i have my Up days.... I've always been known as either Mel, Auntie Mel or Jeff's Mom.... One identity is completely "gone" and that's a tough one too....
Ok - enuf of my Novel.... I do know others suffer with so many other things...pain, disease, cancers... and my heart and prayers and thoughts are always with them because I'd love for everyone to "feel" great!... but that's quite idealistic, and that's not me... I'm not pessimistic either.... I guess I'm coasting.... and this group helps me, my website is therapy, my journal is also "therapy".... but down to brass tacks - my son is Dead forever.... and that's something that i will never "get over"...i will, and have, learned to survive through it so far.... and that's a good thing...
(((Hugs))) my friend and Thank You.... xoxoxo Mel